Unfortunately, not a single person can be immune from betrayal, no matter how much he loves and cherishes those who decide to take such a step. The first time after this, it begins to seem as if someone has knocked the ground out from under your feet and life can never be the same. Indeed, if the traitor was very close to you, then his act cannot but affect you - now, most likely, you will be more suspicious and withdrawn. However, you must understand that one day the pain of betrayal will subside, becoming only an experience from which some lessons can be learned.

What to do when you've been betrayed

Betrayed by a beloved man

First of all, try to recover from this story as soon as possible. Realize that since this happened, then this man is clearly not the one who was sent to you by fate, but a kind of test for you. Don't close yourself off from friends and family by sinking into depression. Closing in on yourself, you are left alone with the betrayal that has occurred, and besides it, there will be almost nothing else in your life for some period. Don't let this happen - cut the offender out of your life, and fill your time with new hobbies and meetings that will gradually push this story off the list of important events. It won't be easy to do - you won't have the desire or the mood to lead active image life, but in this case it is necessary to force yourself. Understand that this is the only way you will help yourself get rid of an unpleasant past.

When the traitor is your own husband

Once this person offered you a hand and a heart, and you gave your consent, being sure that you would go hand in hand with him all your life path. Of course, it is very painful to find out in the end that the beloved decided to betray, but in this case you should not cut it off the shoulder, especially if children are growing up in your family.

Talk to your husband and try to understand what inspired him to do this. If you see that your spouse is sincerely repentant, and you understand that, despite everything, you still have feelings for him, then find the strength in yourself to give your family a chance. Spend the evening talking about why this happened, determine how you can live with it, and try not to return to this conversation in the future to maintain a favorable atmosphere in the house.

If you understand that you will never be able to forgive, or if the husband does not express much regret about the deed, then perhaps you should think about dissolving the marriage. After all, good family life, with such options, it probably will not work.

Betrayal by best friend

The betrayal of a friend can sometimes hurt no less than the betrayal of a relative or husband. If a friend is real, then, for sure, you trusted him with your personal secrets, supported him more than once in difficult situations. life situations and consulted on many issues. Now it will not be easy for you to imagine your life without this person, but it is important to realize that if this happened, then the friendship is no more, and it is time for you to go your separate ways.

An exception can only be in the case when a friend or girlfriend was forced to take this step, against their will, or made a ridiculous mistake. In general, you need to give the person a chance to explain themselves, and if you realize that the betrayal could have been avoided, then pause in your communication so that everyone can rethink what happened. After months, you yourself will be able to understand whether you want to return a friend to your life.

Is it worth it to forgive the betrayal of loved ones

Each person has his own ideas about betrayal - someone believes that it is only about treason, but for someone it’s enough if close person took the side of the opponent in some dispute. If you yourself understand that, in general, nothing terrible has happened, then you should not torment your loved one - talk to him and come to an agreement. Explain why it is important to you that this does not happen again.

If someone offended you, but does not ask for forgiveness, then you need to try to forget about him and understand for yourself that this story is superfluous in your life, and it is better to devote your time not to thinking about what happened, but to new impressions and other people. It is much more difficult if a person has repented, and you would like to establish a relationship with him. Unfortunately, the readiness for forgiveness does not always guarantee that it will happen. You may want this, but in fact, resentment will not go anywhere, and conflicts will flare up between you again and again. It is worth trying to forgive a person who admits his mistake, but be prepared for the fact that, despite your desire, you still cannot turn this page in your thoughts, because of which sooner or later you will have to break off relations with the offender.

Is it possible to forgive cheating with another woman

Depends on the situation. If there are no children in your family, then it will be easier to make a decision. It is also worth paying attention to such factors as the repentance of the chosen one and whether the other woman was a constant mistress or whether their relationship turned out to be fleeting.

It happens that a man consciously lives for several months, or even years, in two families, unable to decide who is dearer to him. In this case, it is better to ease the agony of choice and start looking for a life partner for whom you will be the only woman you love.

It is a completely different case if your lover was seduced or he spent the night with another woman after a quarrel with you. Under such circumstances, it is also not easy to forgive a person, but if he sincerely repents of his deed, then you can try to understand him. Most likely, this connection was fleeting and meaningless to the man. Of course, do not immediately pretend that nothing happened - ask them to give you a few days to think about what happened. After that, tell your lover that you forgive him, but if this happens again, then you will not be able to stay together. During the period of your reflection, a man, for sure, realizes how much you are dear to him and how much he does not want to lose you, and subsequently will appreciate your relationship more.

Of course, if you understand that even a fleeting affair is too much for you, and you will never put up with it, then you will have to end the novel. You will come to the same decision sooner or later if the chosen one does not feel guilty for what happened, and periodically causes reasonable suspicions of a new betrayal by his behavior.

If you have not been together for too long and have not yet created a family, then you should think about whether you want to see such a person in your life. A guy who decides to betray is unlikely to appreciate you highly. However, if you see that he is very upset by what happened, and considers this a big mistake, then you can try to give him another chance, and no more.

Are there children in your family? Then in this situation, you have to think not only about yourself, but also about them. If betrayal by a spouse occurs systematically, again and again making you upset, worried and crying, then, undoubtedly, an unhealthy psychological climate reigns in your family, which is not good for children. Instead of making time for your child, you are busy thinking about what's going on in your relationship with your husband. Forgiving the traitor again and again, you do not save the family at all - only its appearance remains. By doing this, you undermine your health and spoil your mood, depriving the child of communication with a happy mother.

The situation is completely different if the spouse stumbled once, realized his mistake and does not want to lose you. Talk to your husband, clarify to the end why this happened, and how you can restore trust. Tell him that this should not happen again if he wants to be the head of a friendly and happy family. It may be necessary for the two of you to visit a family psychologist if you find that you cannot cope with what happened on your own. For a person who regrets his deed, his own betrayal, as well as for you, is a serious stress. Consider taking a break from the tension in the family for a while by going on a short trip together, or at least spending a weekend in an interesting place.

How to forget a traitor

Try to mentally at least try to forgive him, and realize that only a weak person goes to betrayal, who has yet to grow above himself. Understand that because of this, he will have to face problems more than once in his life, and be glad that you will no longer be around at that time.

Understand that first of all, now you need to take care of your spiritual comfort. An extremely unpleasant situation happened to you, which should be considered as an important life lesson. Think about what you can learn from this lesson - now you will become stronger and, perhaps, will be able to understand people better.

It's not easy to decide to cut someone out of your life, but it's much harder to actually do it. If you have clearly decided that you do not need such a person, and you are worthy of other relationships, then first of all cut off contacts with the traitor, and do not initiate meetings, conversations and correspondence with him yourself. Don't follow his life through social networks and do not inquire about his affairs through acquaintances - learn that you must completely leave the person in the past. If you have time to learn about how the everyday life of the person who betrayed you goes, then you clearly need to find something more interesting and much more productive for you.

To begin with, set a period (for example, a month) during which you will not show interest in the life of the person you want to forget, and will also not respond to his attempts to get in touch. At this time, it will be very difficult to follow your decision, but you will make it much easier for yourself if you find a new hobby, go on a trip to another country or city. Understand that the sooner this painful connection is broken, the sooner something new and good can enter your life.

Psychologist's advice: What to do if betrayed and how to live after

2 step. Do not try to analyze what you personally could have done to prevent betrayal from happening. You are not responsible for a similar step of another person - it was he who decided to do this and, for sure, he had another choice.

3 step. It is not easy to force yourself not to think about what seriously worries you, but you can do otherwise - consciously switch your attention to something else. It could be about travel. Just do not choose a tour during which you will lie on the beach all day - opt for a more varied pastime. However, if a beach holiday is ideal for you, then perhaps it can become therapy for you. If the vacation is still far away, then think about what can distract you right now. Why not sign up today for a group fitness class, swimming pool, yoga, painting class, or some form of dance? Try yourself in some new direction, spend time with benefits for the body and mood.

4 step. Unfortunately, betrayal often brings not only emotional distress, but also a serious blow to self-esteem. Over time, you may decide that, in general, you deserve this outcome of events, and do not deserve anything good at all. Get rid of that assumption. A person betrayed you not because you are not perfect in some way, but because he himself could not find a more worthy way out of the situation - he did not have enough decency or willpower for this. You should only regret that you were forced to come into contact with someone else's weakness, and help yourself to recover from this situation. Pamper yourself with small and large pleasant purchases, meet friends, be open to new hobbies and acquaintances.

I do not know if there are such lucky people on this earth who have never been betrayed or deceived. I myself have been betrayed and deceived more than once, and therefore I have perfectly memorized all the lessons related to this. The basis of all treacherous acts is selfishness, people simply pursue, thus their interests and goals, their desires and instincts, prevail over morality. The cynicism and composure with which people sometimes carry out their treacherous acts is even difficult to attribute to such a definition of our species as a person. They can lie to your face, and do not even frown, which indicates absolute disrespect for you as a person, you are in the eyes of such people a tool that they use. I will not argue that betrayal and lies are bad, they are part of our life, and sometimes the ability to betray and lie gives a person a huge advantage over the rest. In the end, all power is built on this, because in the world of wolves, only a wolf can survive.

But being betrayed and deceived is not very good, sometimes it kills, especially when you are betrayed by the person closest to you and loved by you. And all we can do in such a case is to understand for ourselves the lesson of life, thanks to which we can draw the appropriate conclusions. Namely - if you were betrayed once, do not trust these people and do not forgive them for this. The likelihood that you will be betrayed again, by the same people, is very high, because they showed their insides, which means you saw who they really are, and not who they want to seem. It’s not for nothing that they say that a friend is known in trouble, as well as in joy, because these are such emotional moments when a person’s psyche can be out of his control, and then he has a quick prioritization in his head, and his ass is in the first place there . From a psychological point of view, this is normal, but the question is where is this line, beyond which for a person there is nothing more important than himself. After all, people can betray, for the sake of saving their own lives, the self-preservation instinct works, according to my findings, the most powerful instinct. But after all, far from always and not in all cases, betrayal is associated with a threat to life. This is the most interesting point when we just have to see how much you were sold for, that is, why you were betrayed.

Of course, we all admire people who are ready to sacrifice their lives for the sake of others, their moral qualities prevail over the instinct of self-preservation. Whether this is right or not, everyone decides for himself, there is no consensus yet about why we live at all. Everyone has their own line, beyond which a person cannot cross, for someone it is their own life, for which they will deceive and betray anyone, and for someone it is only the slightest privilege, or a one-time pleasure. For some reason, people who cheat on their spouses, for example, do not really like to be deceived themselves, although, logically, they can be repaid in the same coin, since this is in the order of things for them. But no, selfishness takes its toll, I can, but you can’t, because it’s so painful and unpleasant to feel betrayal. The same applies to promotion, up the career ladder, and all other cases where people betray and deceive each other can be said for cheap. If you were betrayed by an outsider, then certainly you are not on the way with him, if this is a person very close to you, just pay attention to why he did it, or rather, how much you were betrayed.

If you were cheated on with the first person you meet, your partner is a complete nonentity, the line of his or her bar is low enough, and you will always be betrayed at the first opportunity. Although in cases with spouses, what is the actual difference with whom they cheated on you, because if for a person the flesh is above feelings, you are not on the same path with him, of course, if you yourself are not like that. Of course, you can forgive if stupidity occurred from ignorance and clouding of the mind, but what kind of clouding is this, in which people are guided only by instincts, forgetting about morality and responsibility? According to statistics, and according to my own observations, most people, much more than half, live an unconscious life. They are driven by instincts, which are very difficult for unconscious people to control. Instincts give rise to desires, and desires develop egoism, in which the slightest opportunity to make oneself better, even if not significantly, is more important than everything else.

Unconscious people are not farsighted, they can do anything for the sake of a moment, forgetting about the future, because their whole life, as already mentioned, is based on instincts, and therefore they do not think, but react. Therefore, betrayal is inherent mainly in stupid and narrow-minded people, because smart people do it wisely, their deceit is like honey, and not bitter like tar. The betrayal of people and their deception are obvious and well-disguised. Every sane person should always be ready for betrayal and deceit and have several options for his reaction to this. These options should not be a natural manifestation, because if you are unconsciously betrayed, treat it as a natural manifestation of human nature. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this, because if you understand that this is an integral part of our life, then you just need to be able to use it.

Do not count on the moral qualities of a person, especially if you do not know the line, after which he does not care about everything except himself. Morality is simply an idea that we adopt in order to bring some semblance of civility into society. However, man, for all his greatness, is not far removed from animals, and all his basic instincts and behaviors are just as primitive. If you don't want to be betrayed and deceived, just be ready for it, and if possible stick to the right people, in your understanding of the right ones.

Paulo Coelho

Have you ever been betrayed, dear readers? I'm sure they betrayed. That's why you showed interest in this article, isn't it? And now you want to know how you can continue to live with the pain in your soul that you experience and that haunts you. However, it is quite possible that you yourself betrayed someone, and because of this, you now have a heavy burden on your soul that you want to get rid of. You want to know what it is like to be betrayed, you want to understand how the person who has been betrayed feels, how much his pain is. And you will definitely find out about this, because in this article I am going to tell you everything I know about betrayal. And I know a lot about him, believe me. Betrayal is something that I have repeatedly encountered in my life, not only as a specialist, but also as a person who was cruelly betrayed several times. Therefore, I will share with you not only my knowledge of betrayal, but also my feelings. Unfortunately, betrayal is an integral part of our lives. People betrayed, betrayed and apparently will continue to betray each other. And if so, then it is quite obvious that you need to be able to live with betrayal, regardless of whether you betrayed you or you betrayed. Betrayal should be treated with understanding so that it does not poison the soul and does not poison life. Let's, friends, find out what betrayal is and see how you can live with it.

For some people who have experienced the pain of betrayal in their own skin, it is very difficult to understand why people betray each other at all, why they treat others the way they would not like to be treated. On the other hand, those people who betrayed someone themselves sometimes look for justification for their traitorous act, and as a rule, they find it. It is possible to understand, and I think that it is necessary, both of them. After all, we are all people, which means that everything is not without sin. But in order to understand another person, even a betrayer, even a betrayer, you need to try to see yourself in him. I tried to cover the topic of betrayal in as much detail as possible, given its importance, and I am sure that I managed to do it. So you will definitely benefit from reading this material, you can be sure of it. I want to tell you, friends, that I have worked both with those people who were betrayed, sometimes very cruelly, and with those who once betrayed someone. And in most cases, both suffer from betrayal. Indeed, in the depths of our souls, we all understand that some actions, regardless of our attitude towards them, are not quite, let's say, necessary in this life, that they do more harm than good. Just think how many problems we could avoid if we thought about the consequences of our actions. After all, traitors do not always benefit from their treacherous deeds, on the contrary, they often suffer from them themselves, because the consequences of these deeds can be terrible for everyone. And if these traitors had been a little more prudent, they would not have betrayed other people, especially those close and devoted to them. After all, betraying others, we often betray ourselves!

Betrayal can lead to a lot of negative consequences, which then not always and not everyone manages to cope with. Therefore, I believe that when someone betrays someone, he commits a great evil. I have seen this evil, I have worked with this evil, I have pulled devoted people out of the most terrible conditions they were in because of the pain they experienced. People suffer very, very much when they are betrayed, maybe not all, but many, that's for sure. Therefore, my attitude towards betrayal is extremely negative. Well, what can I say, some devoted people even grow old for several years, because of the stress they experienced, while the traitor himself is often forced to live with guilt until the end of his life. So, friends, by betraying other people, we can take away several years of their lives, and for what, for what kind of benefits, for what kind of benefit? I don’t think that shitting into someone else’s soul is too profitable an occupation; in any case, I have not met happy traitors in my life who built great happiness on someone else’s misfortune. Well, let's deal with this issue in more detail.

What is betrayal?

About how much pain, what incredible suffering and what damage someone's betrayal can cause a person, many of us know well, or, in any case, guess. This is especially well known to those who have already been betrayed at least once in this life. But not many people know what betrayal is. Our experiences and our pain do not give us an answer to simple and natural questions: “why?”, “for what?” and why?" betrayed us? Do you know what is the most interesting? Traitors themselves often do not know this!

Betrayal is called a violation of allegiance to someone or failure to fulfill a duty to someone. The moral laws of society condemn betrayal and traitors, just like most religions, they consider treacherous acts a sin, a violation of taboos. Traitors really do great evil when they betray someone, because by their traitorous deeds they destroy the moral foundations on which our society is built. They destroy such a thing as people's trust in each other. Indeed, in any society, we adhere to certain rules and norms for a reason, not because we just want to follow some rules that restrict us in our actions, but in order for this very society to exist. If we do not follow certain rules, the whole order in our society will be broken and all-destroying chaos will come. Honesty and loyalty are the laws of maintaining order in society, and when a traitor violates these laws, he violates it, society, stability and stability. Traitors - kill trust, not only to themselves, but to everyone else. Being betrayed once, we begin to see the catch in everything, we are already afraid to fully trust someone and reveal our soul to someone, our life becomes more closed, people in our society become more closed, more alien and hostile to each other. This is the evil that traitors commit, this is how much they harm our society. They, in fact, destroy it, thereby harming themselves.

You can betray in different ways, you can simply deceive a person, so, you know, on trifles, for example, cheating him in a store, and thus violating his confidence in himself. And you can completely trample on a person’s soul, completely destroying his inner world, through, for example, the same betrayal. Be that as it may, both large and small betrayal are a stab in the back, a blow below the belt, this is without a doubt a vile and very cruel act, having decided on which, the traitor crosses the line beyond which his human qualities are slowly but surely degrading . We all know what the betrayal of Judas led to, and apparently, humanity will never change for the better in this sense, people have betrayed each other, to their own detriment, and will continue to betray. So, we can consider the following acts as betrayal:

• Adultery.
• Leaving a friend/girlfriend in trouble.
• Treason.
• Abandonment by parents of their children.
• Apostasy (religious apostasy).

The meaning of all the above actions comes down to the fact that all of them, one way or another, cause harm to someone or something. As a matter of fact, the word “betray” itself, according to dictionaries, means “breach of allegiance to someone or something, and this word also means to leave or surrender someone.” That is, this phenomenon is associated with destruction. We destroy the outer world when we betray someone or something, and we destroy the inner world to the person we betray. Traitors undoubtedly worsen our life and defile the beauty of this world. But on the other hand, they make the people they betray stronger and smarter, but more on that later.

Most painful of all, we experience the betrayal of loved ones, from whom we simply do not expect a stab in the back. And how can we expect it from them, because the people we love are the people we used to trust. These are people whom we unconditionally trust and for whom we are ready for anything. These are people with a capital letter, for us. And we, of course, expect a similar attitude from them. We want to be reciprocated, we want to be sure of the reliability of those people who are not indifferent to us and whom we ourselves do not even plan to betray. But this is precisely the danger for us, it lies in the fact that we do not allow the possibility of betrayal of us, by people close and loved by us. We ourselves leave our rear areas unprotected, and this should never be done, no matter how much we would like to believe some people and not see them as a threat.

The cruelty with which our loved ones betray us is, of course, astounding. However, for some soulless people, treacherous acts are the norm, not savagery, and we must understand this in order to be prepared for a similar scenario in our lives. After all, each of us can be betrayed at any moment. And it is our unpreparedness for betrayal that betrays us in the first place. Suppose, for a decent, honest wife, the betrayal of her husband can be a real shock, because she, for her part, did everything for the family, for the house, for the children, if any, and of course for the husband, and here such a blow, such cruelty. And it seems that we all know that the more you do good to people, the more cruelly they can do with us later, not all of course, man of sense he will never spit into the soul that is open before him, but many people will do it, they will really betray the one who was kind to them. Do you know why? Because most people are stupid. They are driven by their own, including predatory instincts, and not by common sense. This is why people are hard to trust. And anyway, we do this good, we do it to those in whom we believe, whom we love, whom we hope for. We want to believe that the people around us are reasonable, we are well aware that more than ninety percent of people are unreasonable, but we want the remaining percentage to surround us, we believe in this because we want to believe. However, the traitors in us are killing this faith.

So the heaviest and most cruel betrayal is a betrayal in love, when the egoism of one person kills the brightest, purest and most sincere feelings of another person. If you have been betrayed by a loved one, you know how painful it is, how hard it is, how terrible it is. After such a betrayal, a person finds himself in a deep knockout, the world around turns black, confusion in his head, heaviness in his soul, and an unbearable stabbing pain in his heart, from which you don’t know where to go. Many went through this ordeal in their lives, and someone else has yet to go through it, because traitors have always been, are, and apparently will be among us. And therefore, someone will always suffer from their callousness, cruelty and callousness. Unfortunately, and in my opinion, and fortunately, love and betrayal will always be inextricably linked with each other. Unfortunately, because someone will suffer from this, but fortunately, because being devoted, we become wiser, we become stronger, we no longer live in the illusions in which we used to live.

Thus, traitors, when they betray us, inoculate us against weakness, and if we continue to live, and thank God, this is exactly what happens in most cases, then we become much stronger, smarter, wiser, more protected from external aggression from traitors . If a young guy survived the betrayal of his girlfriend, he will no longer be the same, his views on the world, on people, and in particular on women, will change greatly. He will not necessarily hate all women, and he should not do this, he will simply be much smarter from now on and will not let anyone into his heart. The same with a girl, a woman who was betrayed by a man, if she turns out to be smart and understands the lesson presented to her, she will no longer let any male who thinks only about sex close to her. And even more so, she will not allow some “Don Juan” to settle in her heart, so that later it will be broken. Life makes us wiser if we draw conclusions from the pain we have experienced, and traitors are our teachers, they teach us not to trust people. It is difficult, of course, to live without trust in people, and in principle it is impossible to do this, we have to trust someone. But, we can be more prudent and more careful when we trust people, can't we? So in this sense, the betrayal of a loved one is even useful and necessary for us, and at least once in life, we need to go through this test in order to become wise.

We are betrayed not only by loved ones, but also by friends who usually reflect ourselves to us, because as they say - tell me who your friend is and I will tell you who you are. Therefore, friends must be chosen very carefully and not be friends with just anyone, because a well-disguised enemy may turn out to be a friend or girlfriend. The betrayal of friends is easier to survive, although it unsettles us, although it causes great damage to our inner world, it still does not completely devastate our soul, as is the case with devoted love. Traitor friends, after their betrayal of us, leave us something, they leave us faith in ourselves, depriving us of hope in them - in our friends and in people in general. In this world, a person must hope, first of all, for himself, all the other people who surround him can betray him at any moment, and sometimes very cruelly. But for some of us to understand it, it has to be experienced. And when friends betray us, they confirm this truth with their own, albeit vile, but very instructive act for us. Therefore, dear readers, try not to let your friends get too close to you. After all, if the betrayal of a friend or the betrayal of a friend came as a surprise to you, it means that you simply did not notice how you yourself put your back under the blow for your friends, which they, in the series of callousness and insignificance of their sinful little soul, finally decided.

Having survived the betrayal of people close to you, you will understand that it doesn’t matter what kind of person we are talking about, no matter who he is to you, because if this person is not reasonable, you can expect anything and anytime from him. Many times I have dealt with people who have been betrayed by their own parents, children, wives and husbands, best friends and girlfriends, others, very close and, it would seem, reliable people, from whom a treacherous act should be expected last. But, many, nevertheless, decide on this act, regardless of any moral barriers. It's all about human weakness. Think for yourself, what kind of phenomenon is this - the betrayal of people, why does it take place in our lives? Is this not a manifestation of weakness, not of her alone, of course, but of her as well? To betray someone is easy, you see, much easier than not to betray. All that is needed for this is simply to give up all our obligations to a person or people, to give up everything spiritual and rational that is in us, to throw off all humanity, all responsibility, to give up willpower and succumb to the influence of our primitive animals. instincts.

By itself, the theme of betrayal will always be relevant. That's how long people live on this planet, that's how long they betray each other. Cheating has always been, is, and will be a part of our life, no matter how conventionally civilized and developed this life is. Because, for now, in any case, we cannot educate and educate people according to one common standard for all of us, so that the behavior of each person, without exception, meets both the interests of society as a whole and the interests of each of us in particular. And the people themselves, for the most part, are still, unfortunately, too weak and unreasonable to give an account of all their actions and bear full responsibility for all their actions. The logic of most people is very simple - their shirt is closer to the body. Therefore, if it is beneficial for a person to betray someone, for the sake of his own skin, he will betray.

And it doesn’t matter that none of us will survive in this world alone, and it doesn’t matter that one bad deed can give rise to a whole series of the same bad deeds that will make life in society very difficult and dangerous for most people. These simple truths, not everyone is able to understand and not everyone wants to understand them. After all, understanding these truths is a responsibility that must be borne. And she's so heavy. While people feel good, they do as they want, but when they feel bad, they begin to do as they should. Well, now we'll talk about why people generally betray each other. Read about it below.

Why do people betray each other?

Throughout its history, humanity has experienced quite a lot of suffering, which, ideally, should have become useful lessons for each of us, because we need to learn from others, and not from our own mistakes! History teaches us how to act and how not to act, and she explains to us with her examples why it is impossible to act in a certain way. But, alas, no mistakes of our ancestors and the suffering caused by them taught humanity as a whole, the mind of reason, it both made these mistakes and continues to make them. And it turns out that many of our ancestors suffered in vain, because we are again stepping on the same rake that they stepped on. People have been repeatedly convinced that betrayal is very harmful to any orderly society, that it is evil, it is a sin, and this is obvious. Otherwise, any normal society would not condemn this phenomenon. And almost everyone condemns him. And yet, people continue to betray each other, they do evil without thinking about the consequences, and they, these consequences, always come.

Well, in this case, let's try to figure out why people betray each other, why they commit treacherous acts that can harm, including themselves. There are several reasons that force people to commit this terrible, insidious, treacherous and disgusting act - betrayal.

1. selfishness. Being a terrible egoist, a person can betray anyone at any moment. And note that this is far from being about healthy egoism, in which people always calculate the consequences of their decisions, we are talking about stupid, reckless, irresponsible childish egoism, in which a person in his decisions proceeds exclusively from momentary and often dubious benefits.

2. Weakness. As I wrote above, weak, in every sense of the word, people are prone to betrayal. Lack of willpower, weak character, low level of intellectual development, spiritual and moral poverty, because of all this, a person can easily decide to betray in order to solve some of his problems and / or fulfill some of his desires at the expense of other people. Weak people look for easy solutions to complex problems, so betraying them is easier than not betraying them.

3. unconsciousness. When a person does not understand what, why and why he is doing, he can do such things that he himself will not be happy with them later. Acting unconsciously, a person acts as if in a dream, he does not understand anything, does not control anything, his behavior is primitive, spontaneous, chaotic, and often does not correspond to common sense at all. It is clear that an unconscious person can easily betray anyone at any moment, even the people closest and dearest to him, simply by simply reacting in a primitive way to some situation conducive to betrayal. And interestingly, an unconscious person often does not even understand the horror of his treacherous act.

Let's now, dear readers, consider with you in more detail the above reasons that push people onto the path of betrayal. There are, of course, other reasons why people betray each other, but these are the reasons that I indicated above - they are friends, the main ones.

selfishness

Some people, for their own benefit, even the most insignificant, are ready for anything, they stop at nothing when they seek to satisfy their desires, and therefore they can betray anyone, even those closest to them, for the sake of themselves and their interests. Egoists, it should be noted, are very unpleasant people, and usually normal people are not comfortable with them. We can meet selfish, and therefore potential traitors, everywhere, but for a start, it would be more correct to pay attention to yourself. Remember how often you personally neglected the interests of other people, for your own benefit? Here you need to get something, here you want something, and you do everything to fulfill your desire, without thinking at all about how this can affect the people around you. You do not think about those people to whom, perhaps, your actions aimed at satisfying your desires can somehow harm, cause discomfort, inconvenience or even pain, because the main thing for you is your own interests, and other people are up to them you don't, absolutely don't care. Have you had this in your life? Now, if you had something like this in your life, with you, then you probably found an excuse for your selfish actions, and for sure, you were inclined to betray someone, at least in your thoughts, in order to get something for yourself or to avoid something, for example, some problems. So, other people act in a similar way, selfish, of course, people. And all right, if these problems, for which we betray someone, were serious when it comes to life and death, and when the traitor has to choose - either he or someone else who can be betrayed must suffer. But no, egoists betray without a special, acute need for them in this act, but only because of their whim or because of their immeasurable desires.

So some people have always betrayed, betray and will betray each other. And they will do this not only in difficult, hopeless situations, when it comes to their lives, which, of course, is worth fighting for, and when their betrayal can still somehow be justified. They will do it whenever they see fit. People can also become traitors and because of various minor trifles, they can become traitors in situations that are completely harmless to them, for the sake of insignificant, and often very dubious benefits. These are “small”, one might even say that miserable people, and sometimes complete insignificance, not capable of anything good and great, but only capable of harming other people. These are selfish, not the most pleasant creatures in this world. We need to be very careful with such people, and not let them get too close to us, so that later we do not complain about their insignificance and wretchedness, when they cynically betray us at the first opportunity. Therefore, carefully look at the people who surround you and with whom you intend to do business. If you see that they are terrible egoists, that their childish egoism is right out of their ears, if they are capricious, arrogant, greedy, think only about themselves and spit on other people, even on the people closest to them - in no way Don't trust these selfish people. In general, you can’t trust anyone in this life, to the fullest extent, but you can’t trust egoists all the more, compare it to suicide, or masochism.

Moreover, speaking of selfishness as a phenomenon pushing people to betrayal, I am talking about unhealthy, childish selfishness, and not about selfishness in general, which is characteristic of all healthy people. It's just that people with healthy egoism understand how their personal interests are intertwined with the interests of other people, they understand that for a normal life, everyone, or at least most people, should live more or less well. Healthy egoists are much more reasonable, more prudent, more social and benevolent in their lives than unreasonable egoists. They know that by thinking only of themselves, they will thereby alienate other people whom they could count on, if necessary, with whom they could build mutually beneficial relationships. Healthy egoists are smart egoists, and unhealthy egoists are children for whom treacherous acts are not only something immoral, but also harmful. So, in reality, we are all selfish, and this is normal, another thing is how healthy our egoism is, and as a result, how responsible we are for ourselves and our actions. If we are talking about a smart person who knows how to competently defend his personal interests, without significantly infringing on the interests of other people, then in such a person you can, if not completely, but to a large extent, be sure, and such a person, if he betrays, then in himself last resort. But from stupid egoists who, like children, think only of themselves, it is better to stay away, or, in any case, not to trust them.

And here's what else is important to know about betrayal generated by selfishness. All people in one way or another strive for pleasure, and each person, to the best of his ability and depending on the level of his intellectual development, enjoys different things, different things, and in different quantities. Normal person, seeks to enjoy things and actions that improve his life, and a stupid person will enjoy by harming himself, for example, by harming his health. Well, you understand, tobacco, alcohol, drugs, irresponsible sex with bad consequences, all these are fun for stupid, and usually poor people. In addition, an intelligent person knows in pleasures, as well as in his desires, the measure, adhering to which, he does not allow these pleasures to harm him and his life. And also, he does not allow his pleasures to harm those around him, dear to him, people. But a stupid person is ready to put everything on the altar of pleasure, and is ready to enjoy endlessly until everything around him, including himself, is destroyed. As you probably guessed, I am talking about those egoists who are ready to betray anyone and anything for pleasure. And the more selfish a person is by nature, the greater value it gives all sorts of pleasures, for the sake of which many egoists live. Therefore, with those who passionately desire to do themselves very well, you need to keep your eyes open so that they, for the sake of this good of their own, do not do bad to you.

Weakness

Very often people betray each other because of their weakness. And above all, we are talking about their spiritual weakness, because of which people simply cannot, and often do not want to, correspond to the image of an honest, decent, responsible, strong man who you can rely on and trust. Being strong is not easy, but being a weakling, being a scum, a traitor, is easy. Weak people, who are also often lazy, and at the same time cowardly, are used to looking for simple solutions to complex problems, and therefore, when it is easier for them to betray than to do otherwise, they, not wanting to strain, betray. A weak person will always find an excuse for his betrayal, he will say that he could not do otherwise. For example, he could not help but leave his young wife with a child, because he was not ready to become a father. A mother who abandoned her child can say that she was forced to do this, because the circumstances in her life developed in such a way that it was more correct not even for herself, but for her child, if she left him. In general, you must have met people in your life who always find an excuse for their disgusting deeds, which they might not have committed if they had the strength of mind and willpower, but they did, in the absence of them. So when a person is, first of all, morally, spiritually and intellectually weak, and secondly, physically weak, he can betray anyone, and in practically any emergency, or even just stressing him, situation. And then he can justify himself and his act, in his own eyes, referring to the need for this act, to its obligation. Say, nothing else but to betray someone, due to the circumstances, he had no choice. Of course, a person could not do otherwise, what else could he do, he did what he had to do - he betrayed. That's all the excuses. In life, often, such “weaklings” then pay for their treacherous deeds, because any weakness in this world, in any case, is punishable. These are the laws of life. Weak people have no place in it.

Weaklings are very cowardly, which is natural for them, and we all should not forget about this either. Morally, spiritually and intellectually weak people are afraid of a lot in this life, and often fear forces them to betray even those people in whose betrayal they are not at all interested. Fear, unconscious, animal fear, first of all, gives rise to panic, hysteria, chaos in the head, because of which people slide into their animal state and begin to act exclusively instinctively, without any share of common sense. You understand, it is not difficult to betray in such a state, it is difficult not to betray, if not impossible. So people betray, they act solely on the basis of a momentary situation, without taking into account the consequences that their unconscious actions can lead to, because they are not aware of their actions. Thus, if you see that a person is a coward, be prepared for the fact that he can betray you, because he can do it.

unconsciousness

Unconsciousness, friends, is another, rather large, but, nevertheless, natural flaw for most people, which forces them to betray each other. An unconscious person is both an egoist, a weakling, a scoundrel, and in general, this is an unreasonable person, the meaning of whose actions is often incomprehensible even to himself. So he does such things, the whole meaning of which he is simply not able to understand. After all, it is far from always that a person who betrays someone benefits from his act, especially if we proceed from the long-term perspective, when after spitting into a well, after some time we return to it in order to get drunk. And in general, if we talk about the weakness and selfishness of a person, then these of his qualities are directly related to his unreasonableness, and the unreasonableness of a person is associated with his unconsciousness. If a person does not realize what and why he is doing, if he does not take into account possible consequences his actions, both for himself and for other people, if his actions harm, including himself, then such a person simply cannot be called reasonable. How is such a person different, let's say, from a cat? Nothing. It only has more functions, and it is more complicated than a cat, but it makes no difference. Well, what do we want from an unreasonable person who is not aware of what and why he is doing? Is it not high spiritual and moral qualities? Come on, primitive creatures, to which some people belong, to their and our regret, they are simply not capable of something high and worthy, for which a person can be called a person. For them, their primitive animal instincts are their inner voice and serve as the basis for them to make certain decisions in their lives, it is only these instincts that prompt them to act, and not some kind of common sense.

In the same way, being, either completely or partially, unreasonable people, some people betray, let's say, by mistake, which they later greatly regret. Human stupidity, unfortunately, as we know, knows no limits, and sometimes a person can betray us without any substantial reason. Of course, this does not change the essence of the matter, but still, when a person made a mistake to a greater extent and betrayed someone to a lesser extent, then, in principle, he can be forgiven. Although, of course, in the future you will have to be on the alert with him, because there can no longer be complete trust in such a person. You and I cannot hope that this or that person, who betrayed us because of his unawareness, suddenly, for no reason at all, will begin to see clearly and it will be possible to begin to trust him. If this happens, it is very rare and only with a few people. Therefore, I do not recommend that you hope for this tiny miracle. Do you want to forgive the person who betrayed you? Great, sorry. If only he deserves it. But I do not recommend trusting him in the future, because by God, in this case, you risk stepping on the same rake twice.

How to deal with betrayal?

As for the attitude towards betrayal, I suggest that you treat this phenomenon, and to each specific traitorous act, no matter who committed it, calmly and indifferently. Yes, I understand that you can object to me by saying that this is not the case when you can remain calm and ignore the treacherous act of a person because of which you suffered greatly, especially if it is a very close and a person very dear to you. But, if you prepare for such a scenario and not only assume the likelihood that anyone, even the most reliable person from your point of view, can betray you, but also imagine this, then you can make such a development of events a norm for yourself and, accordingly, to him to prepare. You understand, friends, that the whole point is in our expectations, which are either justified or not. It is because of this that we suffer when someone betrays us. We expect one thing from them, but they surprise us with another, they betray us, and we are unprepared for this stab in the back. That's the whole problem.

People are imperfect, and this has long been known, and for some people it is generally difficult to be people, it is much easier for them to be animals and behave accordingly. And therefore, people, because of their imperfection, for the most part, in principle, are naturally inclined to betrayal. And those people who are at a very low level of development are all the more prone to betrayal, and not only to betrayal, but also to many other bad deeds. So why expect anything good from them? It would be more correct to expect from any person, first of all, the worst, meanest and basest deed, and prepare to give a worthy response to it, than to place too high hopes on, no matter what person, and then be upset because he did not justify them. . We can only hope for good deeds from other people, and rejoice in the fact that they are committed by them, and, if possible, reciprocate them in order to maintain the unspoken rules of human behavior in society. But to demand from people a certain attitude towards themselves, the observance of some kind of obligations, loyalty, devotion, honesty, responsibility, this is too naive. After all, no one really owes you anything in this life. And no matter what obligations this or that person fetters himself and no matter what he personally promises you, he can refuse all this at any moment, at his own request. We deceive ourselves when we recklessly trust other people and completely unreasonably believe in other people, placing our hopes on them, which is why we suffer from betrayal, for which in most cases we are simply not ready.

Of course, each of us can have, and usually has, some of his own beliefs, and based on these beliefs, he can evaluate certain actions of other people, and even his own actions. Actually, we all have the right to this, the right to our opinion. But it is beneficial for us to be more flexible in our views on life, so as not to try to squeeze everything that happens in it into the narrow framework of our limited worldview. Everything, including betrayal, has the right to exist in this world, everything has its own necessity, its own benefit, and everything has its own regularity. Therefore, we must understand that lies and betrayal are just as natural phenomena in our lives as are their opposites - honesty, valor, responsibility, love. We must be able to get along with all people and with all their actions, both good and bad. Therefore, I repeat once again, betrayal should be treated calmly and indifferently, preparing yourself in advance for the fact that anyone, I repeat, anyone can betray you. Accept it, and then no one will be able to stun you with their traitorous behavior.

How to survive betrayal?

Well, if you were not ready for betrayal, and it so happened that you were betrayed, then what to do next, how to survive the betrayal? First of all, friends, look at the pattern of what happened to you, do not accept what happened to you as something that falls out of your picture of the world. If you were betrayed, then this act had its own reason, I will not say that it has its own justification, but that it has an explanation, that's for sure. People are selfish, cowardly, stupid, greedy, insidious, and therefore they will always have reasons to commit this or that bad deed, bad, for someone else, first of all, but not for themselves. We can be betrayed at any moment, no one is immune from this, so there is nothing to be surprised at, you just need to understand what and why we lost sight of that we allowed someone to betray us. We must learn from our defeats, from our misfortunes, from our pain, so that in the future we no longer allow ourselves such stupidity as absolute trust in other people. Therefore, when we are betrayed, we are taught, we are made smarter, wiser, and therefore stronger, which means that traitors, sometimes without realizing it, do good for us.

Thus, someone's weakness and stupidity makes us stronger, and we, in fact, should rejoice in this, rejoice in the fact that someone betrayed us, no matter how absurd it may sound. After all, if life throws us hard trials, it places great hopes on us, it believes in us. And if life itself believes in us, then why shouldn't we believe in ourselves, why should we perceive the betrayal of another person as some kind of our defeat, as damage caused to us by someone? It is better to look at it as a victory, and see in this bad deed for us, from which we suffered, new opportunities for our development, because being devotees, we change our lives by changing our views on it. We become stronger if we do not die after betrayal, and we usually do not die from it. We break off our relationship with a traitor or take it to a qualitatively new level, and these are completely different opportunities, a completely different life. And we get a very useful experience for us, without which it is quite difficult to survive in this harsh world. A devoted person is a person wise by experience, he is cautious with people and does not fully trust them, this is a person whom life has made more mature. Thus, friends, the practicality of your thinking will save you from destructive emotions that overshadow your reason and cause you pain that you experience from betraying you by another person or other people.

Also, you must understand that around you and me, there may often be not very smart people who themselves do not understand what and why they are doing. Such people betray by mistake, or rather, by stupidity, succumbing to the influence of emotions generated by the instinctive urges I have described above, and often their mistakes harm not only those around them, but also themselves. Mistake or betrayal? How to distinguish one from the other? Very simply, you need to pay attention to how conscious the actions of this or that person are, to what extent the results obtained by him justify, first of all, his own expectations. And you must understand that a person who harms not only other people, but also himself, is not a very smart person. Well, if a person is just a fool, then he will first do something, and then think what he did. So, acting unconsciously, you can make an incredible number of mistakes in your life, you can betray everyone, including yourself, and then regret what you have done. I'm sure you've come across such people in your life. And, as it were, to be offended by them, this is already stupid on our part, because their stupidity is their misfortune, not their fault. But to have, with such stupid people, any business, if it should be, then very carefully. Because, you yourself understand, an unreasonable person is an unpredictable, inconsistent, irresponsible person who does not deserve trust, and along with it, respect. Now, if it was just such a fool who betrayed you, or a fool, then taking this betrayal too close to your heart is superfluous. You shouldn't be doing this. Don't attach of great importance for those who don't deserve it. What to take from a fool, why take offense at him, because he is a man deprived of reason, which means that he is already punished by God. You just need to draw the appropriate conclusions for yourself and understand that you should not have any serious business with this person, that he or she will never change, and you should not expect anything good from a traitor fool.

You see, dear readers, everyone makes mistakes. We are not perfect. But this is especially often done by stupid people, of whom, it must be said, there are many in our world. Therefore, the betrayal of these people is their next stupidity. But only a few deliberately betray. These are not stupid, but really mean people. It makes no sense to be offended by fools, as I said, because their stupidity harms not only the people around them, but also themselves. Well, as for those scoundrels who deliberately betray us, for the sake of their selfish and often base goals, what can I say about them, except that if we ran into them, then we were very unlucky. Here are some psychologists who recommend learning to forgive your betrayers, which certainly helps to survive betrayal, but is too simple a solution. Of course, hating a traitor also does not make sense, because with our hatred we poison our own soul, but as for forgiveness, before forgiving someone, you must first understand why and whom we are forgiving. Well, let's say, how can you forgive a fool who betrayed you out of stupidity, if such a person, in principle, should not be taken seriously? If it so happened that a fool betrayed you, then you should not forgive him, but yourself, for believing in a fool, for not seeing a fool in a fool, for allowing a fool to betray you, you smart person. Do you understand what the logic should be here? Forgiving fools is, you know, too big a favor for them, because first you need to see a piece of reason in them, believe in it, then be deceived, and only then forgive the one who turned out to be worse than you expected. And if you did not do all this, then you should not forgive the fool, you should simply completely ignore him and his treacherous act.

As for the scoundrels and bastards who deliberately and sometimes very cruelly betray people for the sake of their interests, then they, in fact, should be forgiven, not only for no reason, but also for no reason. You see, a bastard, he is a bastard, and always will be, because this is his role. How can you forgive him, why forgive him? To then again let him close to you and let him sting you again? A bastard betrays because he is a bastard, therefore he is a traitor, and he should not be forgiven, but, so to speak, marked as a black sheep, so that in the future you do not mess with him and in no case trust him in anything. That's all we need to do in order to calmly, without unnecessary, negative emotions that take away a lot of strength and nerves from us, survive betrayal, and having received a useful life lesson, continue to live on.

And only a few people who, indeed, out of inexperience, out of unreason, because of, so to speak, temporary insanity, without any malicious intent, due to circumstances for which they were not ready and which forced them to betray us, in principle deserve our forgiveness. In any case, I believe that such people can be forgiven. It happens that just a morally weak person, because of his weakness and cowardice, unwittingly, can betray you, friends. And then he will wildly repent of his act, he will regret what he did, and he would be happy to fix everything, but he cannot, to his and your regret. The past, as you know, cannot be changed. Therefore, he wants only one thing - that you forgive him. He does not expect a human attitude from you, which he did not deserve, he does not count on anything other than forgiveness, because he understands that he hurt you, that he did very, very badly, betraying you. He understands that now you will no longer see in him the one you saw before. And just think, he will carry this heavy moral burden all his life. He will really carry it in himself, friends, believe me. He, or she, will remember his act of betrayal throughout his life, and these memories will cause that person the same intense pain that you experience when you are betrayed. And I think that you and I should not burden the lives of such people, no matter how much they betrayed us, and torment their souls with our resentment towards them. Therefore, I suggest that you forgive them, forgive and let go if you no longer want to deal with such people.

You, my dear reader, as a reasonable person, I am sure, understand perfectly well that it is better to turn to a psychologist for help in order to solve your problems than to flood them with alcohol, or try to somehow intoxicate yourself to cope with your pain and suffering. There is no need to harm your health when there are normal ways to solve such problems. Problems need to be dealt with, not covered up. The main thing is to put things in order in your head, then there will be order in life. Betrayal is hard to bear, I understand that. But it can always be done, believe me.

Treacherous people impersonate your best friends just to hang around you. However, as soon as you turn away, they betray you by spreading lies and gossip about you. Whatever the reasons for such behavior, it is important to be able to protect yourself from them. If this situation is of a prolonged nature, then you should find a way to stop its influence on your life. Thus, you need to either improve relations with the traitor, or throw him out of your life.

Steps

Part 1

Check and double-check the information before taking action. People have a habit of exaggerating by spreading rumors, and you may be overreacting to something that didn't really happen. If your fears are justified, act.

Keep gossip to a minimum. Do not spread rumors in the company of strangers. You may be tempted to be helpful and start telling gossip you've heard about your teacher or boss, but who knows who others might pass on your words to. If you cannot refrain from gossiping and complaining about a person, do so only in the company of people who do not know the person you are talking about.

• You can listen to gossip and rumors from other people, unless you yourself take part in them. If you can’t stop gossiping, then at least try to listen more and talk less.

1. Build a good relationship with the people who surround you. Be friendly and kind, even to strangers. This way, if someone starts spreading gossip about you, others are less likely to side with them.

   • At work, treat everyone with respect, not just your immediate colleagues and management. If you only care about these relationships, you may inadvertently offend a secretary, intern, or junior colleague who will remind you of this.

2. Learn to recognize signs of hypocrisy and betrayal early on. The more time the traitor will spread lies about you and harm you, the more difficult it will be to restore the damage done. If you spot signs of treachery early, you will be able to repel attacks before they gain strength. Pay attention to the following warning signs:

   • You hear rumors about things you haven't done or said.
   • You said something to someone in person, and now everyone knows about it.
   • People have stopped sharing information with you, giving you work assignments, or inviting you to events they used to invite you to.
   • People have started treating you coldly or unfriendly for reasons you don't understand.

3. Remember that not all annoying behavior is a sign of betrayal. Make sure you don't make a molehill out of a molehill when you accuse a person of hypocrisy. Unpleasant behavior, such as systematic tardiness, carelessness, or narcissism, is characteristic of thoughtless people and is not necessarily a sign of betrayal. Misdemeanors like canceling an appointment at the last minute or neglecting your phone call are not hypocrisy either.

   Start keeping a record of what happens. As soon as you begin to suspect someone of betrayal, get in the habit of writing down all suspicious occurrences. Write down everything that happened and the reason why you think this person wanted to intentionally hurt you. So it will be easier for you to assess what is happening and find out in which case an unpleasant event is part of general attitude to you, and in what a simple misunderstanding.

   Try to recognize the traitor. When you spot signs of targeted harm, take a closer look at people's behavior to narrow down the suspects. Carefully observe the behavior of possible traitors before drawing any conclusions. Being rude to you may just be the result of a bad day. Here are some behaviors to look out for:

   • Talk to someone you trust and ask them to keep the conversation private.
   • If you suspect someone in particular, talk to someone who knows them but is not their friend. If there is no reliable person in your field of vision that fits this description, discuss it with someone who does not know him - describe the behavior of this person, not your opinion of him.

4. Do not become a hypocrite and a traitor yourself. You may be tempted to take revenge on this man with his own weapon. Don't let yourself be drawn into this. So you are likely to worsen the situation, spoil your mood and emotionally immerse yourself even more in what is happening. Moreover, it will damage your reputation even if you deal with the traitor (which is unlikely).

   Part 2

   Dealing with a traitor friend

   1. Take it easy. Sometimes people just do nasty things, but in reality it turns into betrayal. Anger and irritation will not fix the situation. It is in your best interest (in the short and long term) to remain calm and focus on the practical side of the issue. You don't have to ignore the situation. Just try to do the usual things.

      Appeal to the positive personality traits of the traitor. Being kind to the traitor is probably the last thing you want to do, but if you calm down a bit and sincerely try to understand his position, you can really make things right. Most passive-aggressive people, which include traitors, think that they absolutely have to resort to cunning and offensive methods, because they are not appreciated.

      • Invite the traitor to some event. Do something fun and distracting that would make the traitor feel like you again.

   2. Challenge the hypocrite to direct dialogue. Contact him personally, write a message or send email if a face-to-face conversation is not possible. In a polite way, make it clear that you want to discuss the latest developments. Make sure the conversation stays between you.

      Describe the situation honestly. Don't threaten. Talk about incidents that hurt you and how they hurt you. Ask the person to confirm the facts (for example, the message or letter they sent, and so on).

      Listen to the interlocutor. Chances are your friend doesn't want to be mad at you for the rest of his life. Give him a chance to get his point across to you without interrupting or getting angry. There is always the possibility that you were wrong and that the situation is much more complicated than you thought.

      Ask forgiveness for everything you've done wrong. Even if it seems to you that your friend is more guilty, look at the situation through his eyes. Apologize if you misunderstood and accidentally offended him, even if you are partially to blame.

      Forgive a friend when you feel ready. If you want to build your friendship again, you need to forgive each other for the mistakes you've made. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, forgiveness will help you move on and stop worrying about the betrayal.

      Talk about your friendships and current issues. Be frank and open. If something goes wrong, discuss it face-to-face. If one of you is upset about a particular activity or repetitive behavior of the other, talk about it. Let your friend know about your feelings.

   3. Get ready for change. After you have discussed your problems, you need to prepare yourself for changes that will help restore trust between you. You may need to find new things to do together to spend more time together if your friend's usual pastime does not suit him. If a friend tells you that your words hurt him, remember this and try to avoid nicknames, intonations and habits that hurt him.

      • Mistakes are inevitable, especially if you're trying to break old habits. Apologize if you made a mistake; Forgive your friend if he made a mistake.

   4. If your attempts fail, end the friendship. Sometimes it is impossible to restore trust, and betrayal leads to the end of friendship. If you've done everything in your power and it doesn't work, you need to find a way to move on.

      • By this point, you most likely already had a conversation about friendship and betrayal. If your friend has not expressed a desire to correct the situation, just stop communicating with him.
      • If both of you have already made attempts to restore friendship, but have not succeeded, then calmly discuss the current situation and stop communicating.
      • Sometimes friendships can be undone in a natural way. You need to invite a friend to events less and less often, periodically not answering his calls. Complete ignorance can offend a person, but gradual separation will lead to a break, making the process itself less painful.

How to survive betrayal? This event scares almost everyone who is in a relationship, whether they are love or even close friendships. Fear is born from the need for personal identification, experiencing one's personality as part of a larger one, relating to it. A common identification is "I am a member of a family union." It is the existence of a "we". If it suddenly turns out that the partner simultaneously belongs to another, this fact is perceived as a betrayal, an event when, without the knowledge of the other side, my social life has changed. To perceive oneself as part of a whole, a group, even of two, is an important need. Therefore, it is clear why the blow of betrayal is so painful. When a partner has another “we” on the side, I become part of the union of three without consent.

Feel the value of your own life, which you have only one, it should not be spent on experiences and negativity. At the same time, analyze the mistakes of the past. Any problem in a relationship is created by the partners together. Understand the mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship. Therefore, to betrayal, you need to have a position that perceives it as an experience in your life.

How to survive the betrayal of a friend?

Betrayal causes great trauma to a person, since it is associated with treachery and undermined trust as a result. Often female betrayal consists in the fact that a friend could not keep important information entrusted to her secret, perhaps even deliberately used it against you. Betrayal, according to many polls, is what people are most often not ready to accept as friends, because it destroys the friendship itself.

If the relationship with the best friend has gone through what can be called a betrayal, a woman often develops a feeling of hostility to the world, the inability to trust anyone after this experience, especially women who are trying to establish close relationships. However, when a specific person betrayed you, this does not mean that there are only traitors around. At the same time, hostility towards friendship is natural, it can be understood, accepted inside oneself as an emotional sediment from what happened, which will certainly pass if this trauma is worked through psychologically.

How to survive the betrayal of friends? Try not to turn into an enemy inside yourself, not to plan revenge, not trying to prove something, win or destroy, then forgetting and putting an end to the person. After all, such a strategy will not give anything to you or your friend who betrayed you. You will not receive true consolation from revenge, and a traitor who has experienced revenge from you will only become embittered. You will only tighten the knot tighter.

Spiritual practices here teach not only not to return evil, but sometimes even to do good to a traitor. After all, by doing so you will collect “burning coals” on his head - this is nothing but remorse. Only by experiencing them and succumbing to the awakened conscience, a person can draw conclusions. Why do you need it? Think about the fact that a friend, if she was really important person- was valuable to you, you loved her. Revenge here will hurt you too, even if it superficially gives a sense of triumph from retribution. The challenge is to live through these emotions, drawing conclusions and, as opposed to getting stuck in painful experiences.

The betraying friend did this out of her weakness, perhaps from hidden feelings. And you, as a person who knows her well, will be able to understand this with sufficient attention and patience. Realize what expectations you had for your friend, why you brought this person closer to you, what good things she gave you. Thank your ex for all the good things that happened in the relationship, and let her go. Such a wise metaposition, taking the weaknesses of human nature and all circumstances into account, will allow you to easily pass the pain of betrayal and retain the ability for future trusting relationships.

A difficult question is whether to trust a betrayed girlfriend in the future. Some women find the strength in themselves enough to figure it out, to talk about what happened. The betrayer may even be forgiven if her act was somehow understood by the injured party. And if both women have realized the importance of relationships, they can even continue communication and friendship after going through this experience. The decision to continue communication here is only yours, depends on the circumstances of what happened, the extent of the betrayal, its internal motives, the presence of repentance and its sincerity. Here every woman will be helped by her inner ability to and even premonition - the famous female intuition.

Good day! We were together for 4.5 years. Cheating was on his part, forgave. There was a fight here recently. and then it turned out that he again went to that woman with whom he had already troubled a year ago, he did not directly tell me that they had parted. hid from that relationship for unknown reasons. We did not communicate for a month. Then he began to show some signs of attention, to come up with all sorts of reasons to see each other. Once we agreed that I would come to him for things, I wrote an SMS that I would take a bottle with me, which I promised to give a try even at the time we met, that is, the person made it clear that I would come not only for things, but also sit. It was on Friday, on the eve of his birthday. Well, we sat, and the next day I stayed, that is, I met my birthday with me. He admitted that he still likes me, but for some reason he is drawn there. But when she called, he asked very much that she did not know anything and that they spent two days together. and she didn’t come to the d.r., like she didn’t feel well. I have joint pictures for these two days, very compromising. Moreover, he lied to her that I had only come to congratulate him, hoping to find him alone, and told her that I fell asleep with him and he would go to spend the night with a neighbor, supposedly does not want to I sleep in the same room and I sleep in the same bed. I don’t know what to do, send pictures to her or not, she didn’t think about me when she did this, getting into a relationship. I can’t let go yet, I’m holding a very resentment. Help!

I am 57, of which I have lived in a happy marriage for 38 years, the last year due to circumstances I was in another city, however, in June we had a wonderful vacation together, in September he said that he could not come because of work, but was waiting for me forever in December, And 2 weeks ago he said that since July he has been living with a smart and wonderful woman who is 12 years younger than me and leaves because they have a relationship. I screamed and cried and begged to explain what happened. During these two weeks, I'm going crazy. All my heart ached, pressure, I don't know how to survive this pain of betrayal, I can't forget for a second, He doesn't answer the phone, saying that everything has grown together. How can you forget and delete me at one moment from your life and leave your faithful wife alone at that age. We have 2 adult children and we successful people. My husband is 60 years old, he just wanted to live, and now I am turning into an old woman and fading before my eyes.

hello! my wife betrayed me! did a lot. and then this happened! I forgave her because I love madly. she is like a second daughter to me! she says that she doesn’t love me, and I myself know that she didn’t have special feelings for me! lived 10 years in marriage, I fight to the end for preservation family and wife and she doesn’t give a damn about me and my family! It’s impossible to live like this

Hello. I wonder how long these experiences will last, complete apathy, insomnia, no appetite. They met in general for 7.5 years, of which 5 everything was fine, then I began to notice changes in her behavior, although she seized me, I didn’t like her right away. Then she wanted to be always there, talking all day on the phone if not nearby. Kissing a lot and everything. After 5 years, changes began to occur, seeing less, calling less, kissing stopped even when making love. When I asked her, she replied that nothing had changed, just a lot of worries appeared. I'll be honest, jealous and immediately felt that she had someone appeared. This went on for some time. I couldn't find my place. Then she offered to leave because she believed that I had insanity and that I got her with my jealousy. I thought I'd go crazy. I couldn’t work, I went to a psychologist, I drank medicine, nothing helped. She felt sorry for me and we met once every two weeks and then for an hour maximum. Intimacy was already humiliating for me without caresses and all that, and I saw how disgusting it was for her to make love with me. But I didn't know what to do. I didn’t have the courage to leave her, I was afraid to go crazy. But she was not shy about sucking money out of me, I spent everything I could if only she was there. And I still could not forget her, because her sister, second cousin, and part-time her best friend works in my department under my supervision. They talk all day and that made me feel uncomfortable. I can already say I arranged interrogations for her, like I wanted to find out if she had anyone besides me, she assured there was no one, love just passed. As time went on, I decided to hit on her sister in order to be closer to my beloved and know what and how. When I offered her to meet, she just laughed and explained how it would look, and even more so, she considers me only as a friend and her boss. But after a while I achieved it and we have been dating for six months, but no one knows about it. She blames herself and worries about what her sister will find out. It seems to be easier for me. But then I learned from her that she has and had another one for about three years. It turns out she dated the two of us. From this, everything aggravated me and again I feel very bad. When will this addiction of love pass? How could she betray our relationship? In general, from the very beginning of the relationship, she got me hooked, I didn’t want anything, and then I fell in love. And I don't know how to get out of this nightmare? Time doesn't heal for me. You read forums and everyone advises psychologists to go in for sports with something else, to be distracted. And how to do it if there is apathy for everything. Can't believe that this will pass. And it constantly creeps into her head how she makes love to him and the spirit freezes. I don't drink, I don't smoke. Can't get her out of my head. I tell her that I know that she has a man, she does not confess and says that I am talking nonsense. She calls her sister at the same time and asks who could tell me everything. In short, everything is very bad. I didn't think this would happen for so long.

• Hello Sergey. Your experiences will continue as long as you allow yourself to suffer. Accept the situation as it is.
  Your girlfriend is afraid (for her own reasons) to admit that she has another. Sister, knowing that your girlfriend is cheating on you, agreed to flirt and so on with you, realizing that her relative is doing the same.
  If you want advice: let everyone go to all four sides, and start loving yourself: eat normally, sleep, work calmly and enjoy life. It takes 21 days to develop a habit, so be patient with it. To act radically with subordinates - to load them with work, to fire them over time, or to look for another job yourself so as not to see them.

hello, I took a wife with a child (5 years old), she left her husband for me, lived without grieve for 9 years, I couldn’t make my own children, I was 100% sure of her, half a year ago I found out about the betrayal, I was very worried , revised my views, I thought that I didn’t want to make our family happy, in short, I was ready to forgive, but the end is far away, then I’ll catch them in correspondence, then I’ll find out that they call up ... and I don’t know what to do, he is also married, I had to communicate with his wife when they do so. he does not want to lose his wife, but even May does not give him peace, or something. I don’t understand what to do, May assures me that all this is nonsense and she loves me, and sometimes she cries herself, talking about depression, although she is strong. People, tell me at least something, I carry everything in myself, there is no one to share it with, swearers at home ... I’m already tired .. I have no strength ...

And I have pain, resentment, anger and confusion. After 30 years living together my husband left for my only "best" friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. I have been trying to get out of this nightmare for a month now, I have been crying, roaring, sobbing, howling, my psychotherapist at the session was crimson from my story, and I have a desire to forget everything and be born again. It hurts me a lot, I got used to the presence of a reliable friend, as it seemed to me, on my husband’s shoulder, but I was left alone. They are now together and I am alone. Emptiness. Loneliness. Pain. and tears in my eyes. There is no joy. no desire to do anything. I forgave my husband - because I love her very much, but I can’t. does not exceed.

Betrayal is not only a male vice, but also a female one!
The wife announced that attempted premeditated murder is natural
They arrested me and beat me up myself and I had to think a lot!
And at that time the apartment was sold on false documents!
Thank God I got a lawyer who unwound the ball and put everything in its place!
Was the court released with a determination not guilty!
For more than a year I could not come to my senses! I lost the meaning of life, thank God the core still remains!
Alas, the fear or experience remained for life!

• Hold on Alex, against all odds, hold on!
  Don't waste your health, you can't get it back, thinking about the person who brought you pain and suffering! Everything will definitely work out! Distract yourself with work, hobbies, interesting people, books, etc., if you have children, then taking care of them.
  I only set myself up this way, although there is also a lot of pain in my soul (almost my whole life is in my comments from 01-17.11.2017).
  And after what I had to go through, especially in the last 2-3 years, now I am left alone with my daughter, my husband is no more, for half a year now, drunkenness has done its job, my heart could not stand it. Only in the last week before the disaster, they spent the New Year wonderfully, together as a family, like a very long time ago, and that’s all ... In my heart and annoyance, and resentment, and anger, and anger that he, being a healthy and strong man, brought everything to this , he wasted and did not save his life, our daughter and I, no matter how we tried to reason with him, how much effort was needed to save the family, everything was in vain, happy days of life were lost, pride broke everything further, not listening to anyone, and at the same time pity to him, in spite of everything, because she loved deeply and forgave a lot, and not everything was bad at first, I remember a lot of good things - this makes it even more painful ... With your mind you understand that everything was going to this, but the heart screams that it was possible change everything, but I was not able to do it alone.
  We have to keep going no matter what! Fortitude and good luck to you and to us!

Hello! Here I am with my pain to you. For many, my story will seem relatively easy and not worth attention, but I will write, because it is very difficult for me. I will not write much, I will write only the main. I have a second husband - 4 years of marriage. Child from first marriage (10 years old son). It so happened that our relationship was built at a distance and also continued after the wedding, although he promised to change everything in the very near future and that we would already live normally together. We never fought, we talked every day on the phone. The first three years he came every 2 weeks (he was with us for 1-2 weeks). Then he had to go home for a few months. I moved out of the rented apartment to my mom for a few months. He returned three months later, we went on vacation and he again left for his homeland. I started to have questions and I started looking for information. My God, what did I find ... And I found out about another girl, and about my second wife in my homeland, too, and about the fact that she is already pregnant and about much more ....
And now we have not spoken for almost a week, he is now in another city. He doesn't call and neither do I. I clearly understand that there can no longer be relations here, such a betrayal with shameless lies and sweet flattery cannot be forgiven. But I feel so hurt and embarrassed. I trusted him implicitly... his son decided to call him dad ... and here it is ... I know that I myself am to blame for allowing this. But I can't deal with the pain...

• Hello, Tatyana. What happened is not your fault, there is nothing to blame yourself for. You just wanted to be happy. We recommend trying to let go of the situation. All disturbing thoughts and exciting emotions should be expressed by writing a letter. Allow yourself a free flow of thoughts, it is necessary to express what is painful. This technique contributes to the fact that a person gets from inside all the hidden feelings that do not give rest, do not allow to experience joy. In this way, you can let go of all emotions.
  It is necessary to write what you want to say, without considering whether it is good or bad, not to hide, not to conceal. It's just undesirable to send it, since it will not bring anything good, here the meaning of the method is different. After finishing writing a letter, it must be destroyed, torn, burned or thrown away, and the disturbing thoughts should be released with it.

Hello.
My heart is so lousy that there is no strength. I don't know how to pick myself up and move on. My story is simple, probably like many others.
Lived with my husband for 12 years. Everyone said what a good couple, they were 100% sure of him, they were always not just husband and wife, but friends. It was the second marriage for each of us. I have no children, he has a daughter who lives next door to his parents (we just have a 1-room apartment - his mothers, and his parents have 3 rooms). Mom didn't need it. My husband and I are also classmates, so it happened. We have common friends, we have everything in common. At one time I made good money, bought everything for the house, repairs, a new car. She dressed him. But it was a joy for me - I loved it so much. He also always treated me very well, we almost never even quarreled. I always told each other that finally, there were two halves. There was such joy. Only there were no children. Well, it didn't work, everything seems to be fine. I hinted at IVF, said it was expensive. Maybe I was wrong then that I didn’t insist or didn’t ask my money. But underneath something always stopped. I don’t know, maybe most likely that he was not indifferent to vodka. No, not a drunkard, just if you drink, then drink heavily for several days. And drunk - a completely different person, and sober - gold. For the past two years, I have switched to new job Less money, more work. Delayed at work, business trips. But he understood and supported everything, always helped, waited and rejoiced when I was at home. Of course, I relaxed, recovered and thought that he would not go anywhere. I was just sure. He did not drink - the second time he was hemmed. And a year ago, he began to talk more and more often about drinking, that the filing probably no longer works. But he didn't drink. Although I saw that his dad was the same! In general, after his birthday, he decided to exhibit godfather. And he came drunk. I was in shock, quarreled. And in the morning he went to work and did not come home. In general, as it turned out, he had a mistress for 2 years. Found on the Internet when he was at home after the operation. He said at first because there was nothing to do. I went to her, because I thought that he didn’t care for me. In general, he came three days later, asked for forgiveness, said that we were relatives and all that ... Of course, I was in shock, but I forgave, I loved very much. But a couple of days later he left again, because that young lady (although it’s hard to call a young lady, already 42) is pregnant. The next day it turned out that she was not pregnant, but we were already going to adopt a child, the documents had already been drawn up. But when he left, he said that when you have your own, you don’t need someone else’s. She's not pregnant. but he still didn't come home. Drunken calls began about the division of property, especially cars. Although he knew whose money it was bought with. I was shocked. He came, but did not pick up things. He will come, talk and leave. I begged, I cried, I begged. Uselessly. And one fine evening came for good. Drunk. As it turned out later, they had a fight there. Sold the engagement ring. It was disgusting. But I accepted it. the idea of ​​adopting a child was not abandoned. In general, in order not to tell for a long time: he left like that, came 2 more times after that. It turned out (she enlightened) that they had been in great love for two years already, and had already gone on vacation twice, and that their love was eternal. In general, a month later he again went to her already with things, again being drunk. The next day, he called and said to get out of the apartment and a bunch of different filth. And he himself was already choosing a TV in the store with this madam. I got ready and went to my parents, though I took something from the apartment. Then they called me a thief. In general, I had to leave only with things. He brought this beauty to our apartment in two weeks. But he constantly communicated with me: how he lives, what he does, how he gets used to everyday life with her. He drank, dumped from her for a few days. And I waited like a fool. By the way, I lost 25 kg from nerves. When he saw it, he was surprised. Everyone began to tell me how good I looked, but I only needed him and I was ready to forgive him, only to return. Well, I don’t know why, although everyone urged me to open my words to him. He dragged the tires around the car for a long time. Allegedly, he was looking for money to give half, then he found it, but for some reason he was in no hurry to give it back. In general, they met and he admitted that he did not want to get a divorce, he simply did not know how to send her. They found a way out, money, so that she rented an apartment. He also gave me a TV set. We paid this loan for another six months. Actually, I went back. At first it was unusual, although I always considered it my home. She tried not to remember, although he himself did not let her forget - it turns out that he corresponded with her all the time. He took pity on her poor woman - she has no one here! And during this time I was in the hospital for a month, I was sick, I dangled, I followed his diet. But lately, he started talking about vodka again, and they started arguing on this basis. He's all kind of on the nerves, irritated. One weekend, right before the New Year, I went to the hairdresser, and he just wrote. that he went for a walk, to relax from me, I wanted to drink. Well, he disappeared for three days, it turns out - with her. I called all day, wrote, did not answer, just wrote that he did not want to talk. And then, when he nevertheless picked up the phone, he said that our restoration was a mistake, he does not want to live with me, and loves her. But now he's drinking. and problems at work. And most importantly, when he sent her back, he told all his friends. what she was like, and what she said about his friends and their families. She just wanted to separate him from everyone, so that it would not be connected with the past, they say we are better off together and no one is needed, but you can make new friends. But not at 45, right? In general, I was left alone in the apartment, however, he said that he would go to her, but I can here. But I'm so tired. Again on the same rake. Friends say, well, as much as possible. What if you can't take it out of your heart? I don’t depend on him financially (only morally), I have a job, I’m the director of the company, but I don’t understand why I allow myself to be treated like that. I'm afraid if it comes again, I'll accept it. But I understand that it destroys me. Nerves to hell.

Hello! Girls, dear, to everyone who is now in such a situation, I wish only strength and patience to get out of it, as well as myself, including. I have exactly the same story, only married for not 4 or 10 years, but all 17, but even more difficult. I also saw the correspondence, said that he was not holding anything, kicked out, returned, accepted, hoped, believed, he tried to somehow behave like a husband and father, but everything was somehow feigned, or so it seemed to me, because this worm gnaws constantly , and there were stories with such correspondence with others before, but everything stopped and I tried to forget it and not remember, but the behavior shows that something is not right, a woman always feels, blocking the phone explains a lot, intimate life has become less frequent, addicted to alcohol, they talked about this topic, if there is another - I let go, go, but did not leave, he says there is no one. But the drinking brought the family to a boiling point, and at one point decided to check the details of the SIM card. He promised to delete her phone, not only did not delete it, but also communicated for the last 2 years, although there were periods where the lady herself, like a leech, could not keep up with him, just like sms in the mornings and evenings, but he did nothing to her for weeks, at that moment when to build a relationship with me, I already filed for divorce, there was a divorce, but they filed an appeal, he asked to start over and return to the family, and then,
after a month 2, how my daughter and I went on vacation, and he stayed at home, he didn’t have the opportunity to go, resume again, but not so often, but still .. By the day of our wedding, he decided to give me a picture painted by a friend, with a story about love, I don’t argue beautifully, but the next day he called and talked for a long time about his girlfriend and noticed that on that day he had an upsurge in mood. I don’t know how to explain the logic and behavior of men, but I can no longer live in lies and betrayal. She kicked me out because of drinking, I have no strength, and then I found out that too. I love him myself, I have already forgiven a lot, but I can’t do this anymore. In my heart, as everything was burned out, a daughter of 14 years old is growing, she understands everything, she wants to be a complete family just like me, but to forgive him again, it’s completely trample on himself completely, if he seems to want to be with us, but continues to do it. I'm asking for some advice or support. Thanks for understanding.

• • Light, dear, hold on. I have almost the same. Such heaviness in the soul, there are simply no words. My daughter is older than yours, she already lives as a separate family, and I don’t even know how to tell her that we have problems in our family. I sympathize with you very much.

    • Thank you so much girls for your support and feedback! I try to hold on, to be distracted by something, but everything is constantly spinning in my head, I analyze the past years, my own and his behavior, self-digging and the same question: why torture loved ones with your arrogance, ambition, humiliate them with lies, not hear anyone but myself? It’s better to calmly dot all the points and remain in front of each other just people and parents, without bringing anyone down with humiliation, or if you decide to be with a family that has experienced a lot by your grace, forgave you your mistakes, then respect the feelings of loved ones and live like a human being!
      17 years of marriage, this is not 1 and 7. In the beginning, everything was somehow normal, he was simple, hardworking, assertive, non-drinker (which attracted me), went in for sports, striving in life, thought we would achieve everything in life on the sly . They agreed on love and considered him a reliable person. He is not at all from the rich, I am one daughter from a middle-class family, I have been working since the age of 17, with higher education. image. We agreed on almost everything ready (mine): I had a room in a hostel with everything necessary for life, he had nothing - clothes and a pillow ... he moved to me. Prior to that, he lived with his mother. My parents always helped us with everything. His mother is tight-fisted, from the first day, both morally and financially, he warned, they say she _uh!, but I was going to live with him, and not with her: when he brought me to introduce her, she said that she was no matter who, as long as he was well; we started talking about the wedding - she said, it’s too early to marry him (23), and threw it to us casually - “you won’t live”, supposedly she lived badly with his father (for the rest of my life it stuck in me, but she loved him and there was not even a thought to quit , I just thought why she was like that), but she doesn’t need a wedding, and she doesn’t have any money at all. Still, the wedding was played (in 2000) at the expense of my parents, they borrowed his friend's husband for a suit, the mother-in-law did not even buy a shirt for her son. He and I helped our parents pay for the wedding. I felt sorry for him from the very beginning, I thought that his mother’s life herself was not successful, well, okay, we can handle it ourselves, the main thing is together, side by side. He didn't leave me.
      After 2 months after the wedding, the mother-in-law suddenly found the money to put a good front door, costing not 100 rubles, of course. I began to understand that my mother-in-law knows how to cheat well, lie and is very proud, which later manifested itself in life, only with greater impudence. In general, they lived normally, but gradually he could periodically stir up with colleagues, he could not refuse them, he came very late, they began to quarrel about this. Gradually abandoned the sport, and in his youth he was CCM. Here I consider myself guilty, I asked to be with me more often in the evenings when I went on maternity leave. Years passed, they got out of the room to the block in the hostel, they themselves made repairs, his hands were golden, he himself aspired and learned everything, his daughter grew up, sometimes the mother-in-law helped to sit (the only thing she is grateful to her for). It would seem that everything is fine, but gatherings with friends became more frequent, sometimes he came after midnight, and thought that this was in the order of things. Quarrels were only on this basis and more and more often.
      The child was 3 years old when he did not come to spend the night for the first time, and came on the 3rd day, with a hangover and a request to let him go. Let it go. In the family of my parents, this was not and was not used to this. I thought my friends were confusing, because I had never been like this before. I tried to reason with him, and in a good way and in a bad way, it worked for a certain period, and then again - friends, drinking, quarrels, my grievances, he thought that I was nitpicking, arrogant, they could not talk for days until I myself I will take a step forward. She noticed that she highly appreciates herself and does not consider herself guilty of her actions. With the advent of the cell phone, there were frequent phone calls and his answer - “you made a mistake”, detected text messages and his other behavior, which made it clear that the hubby loves to take a walk. There were showdowns, my distrust appeared. From time to time it was smoothed out, I tried to forget, I thought that I would go crazy. But further, the husband decided, without consulting to change jobs (at the factory, he grew from an apprentice to a foreman), the reason for the low salary. I found a traveling job, with a higher salary, but I needed a car, and I would certainly have a good one. But he wants to and that's it, it doesn't matter that he hasn't traveled for 14 years and on credit! I began to open it for myself from the other side. We made a compromise, the desire to sell the block in the future and buy an apartment overcame me and I convinced him, we bought a simple car. Then he began to change for a year for 2-3, invested in them, sold and bought another, he put me only before the fact about this, motivating that I don’t understand anything about this and it’s time to sell. I had nothing to object to, except that in the family this should be decided together, but he did not hear. So he worked for 2 years, took a mortgage, bought an apartment, a new one, with only walls, did repairs themselves, not euros, but themselves, my parents helped, moved, live and be happy, my smart daughter is growing! But then, after a family vacation at sea, upon arrival, he finds out that another is being taken in his place, for which the reason is still unclear, he worked flawlessly, with pleasure. In general, freaked out, quit. Then it went like this: changing jobs, sometimes he doesn’t like it, sometimes it’s not right, unstable work - unstable income with all the consequences ... despite the fact that having a mortgage, I didn’t think about how to pay (I have a small but stable income, I’m on one place for 20 years). He changed jobs, also putting me before the fact. I tried to restrain myself, I thought it was hard for him, they are weak men, they can’t find a place for themselves, you have to wait and endure. I found a job, in the same field of trade, not dusty - to collect applications from stores and transfer them to the base via the Internet, a stable salary, he is satisfied, I was also satisfied, BUT a year. He had plans to open his own business; He was silent. Subsequently, he informs me that he quit and opened an IP with a colleague for himself and outlet in another city (50 km from us). I did not interfere, I realized that I was not needed in his case, my offers of help were ignored, I fell behind. I decided to fulfill myself in life. He always dreamed of having a lot of money and not denying himself anything. From the moment of his dismissal to the IP, there was practically no salary from him, his answer to the absence of his salary is that we are developing, we need to pay money for the goods (confectionery business). I noticed that I was pleased with myself, but at the same time, gatherings in the garage began to become more frequent (either the car broke down, then the goods needed to be dismantled), while drinking (as a relief from fatigue and stress in a day), it became out of reach for the family, there is no time for us and household chores, zpl from him at 5,000 a month, good 10, and he could lend a friend 15,000. It didn’t fit in my head. If he had any money, his answer is not his, these are common for IP, I saw a good salary a couple of months before the New Year. And pay the mortgage and utilities. every month, we need to dress the child for school, ourselves too, and eat for something, my salary was sorely lacking, I restrained myself as much as I could, I didn’t hear, I’m alone “later, I don’t know” ... We bought a car with a partner to carry the goods with which funds they bought and could not at first get it, she knew that how much it costs approximately, they could not have so much in six months. The constant hassle of lack of money, secrecy and his drinking led to scandals. He did not listen to my arguments, requests, he simply went to my mother if I started talking about drinking and money (and how not to talk? how to live and pay for everything, I waited for months). So he went to his mother at first for the night, then for a week or more, ignored my calls, drank, took a short break from scandals, and then my mother quit telling me that he was there, unless I called, and I stopped calling her, no need, so they are not needed, since they don’t worry about us. Then he texted with “sorry”, I threatened that I would not let him into the house anymore, but I forgave and accepted, tried to bring him to a calm conversation, but this was not enough for long. Further, his quirks became larger and more frequent, with his higher opinion of himself and his rightness, ambitions. He had money for himself. During the scandal, he left us, left us without money, supported the house herself, her daughter, paid the mortgage, and he gets drunk, rests and starts working, and goes home again “like a beaten dog”, and I regretted and forgave. In one of these drunken trips to his mother, he lost a large amount of money (100 thousand), for which it was necessary to purchase goods, all documents, a telephone (he often lost them). So 1.5 years passed, I understood that the person was moving away from the family, no longer with us somewhere, began to remain silent more, to come home more and more often drunk, just went to bed, began to boorishly answer questions why you drink and where he was. I guessed what was the matter, which was later confirmed, he had a relationship on the side ..., kicked me out, and immediately filed for alimony in marriage, there was nothing more to wait. He came, confessed everything, convinced that there was nothing holding him there. It's still painful and ugly. I believed, gave him a chance, loved, although I said, if you love there, let go. The first time I saw him so broken, he said that he wanted to be only with us. He promised to break and protect the family from this. Alimony was a blow to him, but he accepted my conditions (But later reproached them with them). A month later, he gets into an accident in the car he bought with his partner. Our two months tried to restore it alone, a friend practically did not help him with this, but worked at their outlet, earned money for himself, and ours was left without anything. Soon, I find out that my dear took out two loans for himself, one 2 years ago for a business car that he crashed (I assumed this), they paid together with a partner, and the other 3 years ago, allegedly someone crashed a car and it was necessary give money. It all surfaced when letters about debts and delinquencies on loans went. To say that it was a shock for me is an understatement. In general, that partner of his left ours without business and with a broken car, which is only for scrap, although they also pay in half for that loan. Ours began to drink more often, he would not get a job, tried to support, persuade him that this was not the worst thing, alive and healthy, but in vain, got a job - quit (problems with alcohol). I persuaded, and asked not to drink, and cursed, brought to breakdowns, kicked out, did not live for 3 months, issued their claims to each other, nothing reached him, like with a blank wall. I filed for divorce. We were divorced in 5 minutes from the first time, he did not expect that they would not even think so soon, and I was ready for anything, I was tired of all his antics, but it warmed in my soul that we were not indifferent to him. And from the same day he begins to work on me and put pressure on pity. As a result, after almost a month of all our conversations, we were able to annul the divorce and again decided to live as a family. He got a normal job at this time, I helped arrange installments on his loans to make it easier for the family. I saw that he was trying to improve relations with both me and my daughter (she was very offended by him), admitted that he had done a lot of nasty things and was guilty, tried to catch up, but somehow everything was not the same.
      Six months have passed since they got back together, but they can’t stop drinking, they tried to code, it didn’t help with suggestion, but I don’t agree with medication. Maybe he doesn’t drink for 10 days, and then he takes days off during the week, not to be with his family, but he just stupidly drinks his days off to disgusting, or for a week every day after work to drink and lie on the couch, he wore it regularly, there was a part-time job, which in he mostly drank, he gave little from her, he thought that it was not money, every day almost a check, having a mortgage, his loans, and + they also deprived him of his license a year ago in a friend’s car for driving in an alcoholic state, as much as he asked, do not sit down drunk driving, you'll make more problems, it's useless. Assertive as hell. And he did not pay 30 thousand on time, there was no money and the fine has doubled now. And with such debts, however, he managed to buy a good phone from a part-time job just before the scandal, instead of paying for debts. In short, he deprived his family of everything, helped, dragged him from the bottom, sober as a man, and his hands were gold. But to live and think what awaits you today, drunk or what, there is no one to talk to, if you drink for days, and then resentment, I can’t do it anymore. And I love him sober (another person, as before), but how many nasty things he did, deprived of everything and still continues to drown his family in drunkenness and does not hear anyone but himself.
      In the next impulse, I put him out the door and decided to check his phone, it was blocked constantly with him and this brought me out specifically, after he left this time I decided to check him, since Lately drank and lied. Checked. Has made for these half a year detailing. He did not break off contact with that lady, as he promised, for some time he stopped the relationship, she, like a leech herself, periodically communicated with her and not only with her, by calls and SMS. These are the men, and we pity them. I told him about it, so it’s my own fault why I climbed, and a bunch of accusations that I don’t want to live a normal life myself. So 2 months have passed, alimony only with a white salary of 1600, brazenly said how much the state had accrued, the state took care of the child, he also needs to dress, and his mother said he had loans and brazenly slandered me and added fuel to the fire, and he himself receives a black salary, a good one. I asked for help from his boss, he was a stranger, helped, set him a condition to give another part of his salary or he would be fired. Again, he does not communicate with the child at all. Like we were gone for 17 years. And all the claims against me are from him, that I did everything myself and do not want to live normally.
      That's it girls! I never thought that such a thing was possible in life! ... I am ashamed in front of my parents and daughter.

      • Hello. Please help with advice! From the side it is always clearer what I missed in family relationships? Forgiving too much? It's been 2 months since I put my drunk husband out the door and said that I know about his communication with different ladies. I thought I was lying and there is no evidence. He came to take the necessary things (which time already, there is simply no strength). There was no explanation on this matter, and he didn’t try to apologize, he just snapped and didn’t know where to hide his eyes from me and regret in them. Very proud. Probably waiting for my invitation. For a month they expressed each other's claims on the phone, both said rudeness and nasty things, I from misunderstanding and resentment, he from annoyance and anger. He remained with his opinion, although he agreed that he was doing something that should not have been done, but decided that our relationship did not add up, because I did not stop putting pressure on him and did not want to live under a cap, that it was me I want to live as before, and normally nothing will work out. But he does not try to hear and understand how we want to live with my daughter. Take it as it is and carry on. Here I am, I will not bend. He thinks I need to start with myself, and then present something to him, that it was I who dishonestly behaved. Communication was terminated on terrible phrases. We don’t communicate at all for a month, she doesn’t call her daughter and isn’t interested at all, as if we didn’t exist or she was to blame. It hurts from everything, for the attitude to oneself and to the daughter, for the attitude to life, that there is everything in order to live together as a family, and we trample each other in ambition, and do not understand that life is short, the years go by, and we spray it : he is on booze and lies, I am on arguments that he does not hear at all. How many times have I told him about it! All the same, I feel my guilt that I myself destroyed the family, that I had to endure, I don’t know how to cope with it, I myself became dependent on him. And if you part, you don’t want to be boorish, you want to remain people for the sake of the years you have lived together and your daughter, but I don’t know how to solve this. He does not try to do anything himself, a complete ignore to us. Everyone is to blame, but not him. It is not going to fall at the feet of anyone, and we are not waiting. I know that there are my mistakes, and I offended him a lot, with those alimony (I couldn’t forgive), with the phone, but he himself led to this all, I defended myself and my daughter as best I could, and I have every right to know what kind of life a person leads next to me, because he did not have full openness. And I can't run after him either. Tell me, please, how to proceed?

Hello! Sorry for posting in this thread... but the topic " love addiction» is closed for comments. The question is this: I currently have such a relationship where my man is dependent on me. In general, as it is written in the article, exactly the same symptoms. The beginning was like love at first sight .. then the problems began. Quarrels and he tried to make me dependent on him. He didn't let me work, he was jealous. Although he did and bought absolutely everything for me ... not greedy. He will buy something for me rather than for himself. This is manic love ... now she left him for the second time completely. He asks again for another chance. Help me figure it out ... is it possible to rid him of this addiction? And make it so that there was a normal love? Or the only option to end this relationship?

• Hello Katherine. A man loves you very much and is afraid of losing you, which is why he is trying to make you dependent on him. Hence arises and jealousy in your side. He doesn't feel that you love him the way he loves you. Once he senses this, he will soften his control. Give him as much time as he needs so that he feels confident in you and that your feelings are mutual.

Hello. Help me please. I saw the correspondence of my beloved with another woman. They talk about love, and about the impossibility of resting together and other favors to each other. I can't write it. We have been together for 8 years, but not married. And this woman turns out to be the same one with whom he corresponded five years ago, there was a scandal, from which it turned out that they would no longer communicate. Now I already know that all this time they communicated. I can’t say about meetings, he is constantly on a business trip in another city, but he comes right next to me, but I understand that everything is possible now. What kills me the most is that I felt that we also said that if there are problems, if we cannot be together, then we will be honest. He is not very talkative, but he says how he misses and loves, and now we even decided to get married. But why is it all, if you love another? Is it really impossible to speak directly. It’s unbearable for me, for me all this time there was only him. Yes, there were quarrels, but like everyone else. Why is he doing this to me? I can't take it. He doesn’t say it himself, so I’ll tell myself what I know and leave. It is right? It hurts so much, I feel it physically, I can’t really occupy myself. She also recently lost her job, but she could not get a job yet. And now I just want to disappear, how to drown it out. I beg you please help

• Hello Nadia. It will be right to calm down first, not to let your emotions take over your mind and think about what will be best for you. Only then make a decision.

  • Hello. I felt so good with him, but now I think that I can not accept and leave everything as it is. This knowledge torments me. Mentally, I constantly think about it, and imagine what is happening behind my back. Why is he doing this to me. He says that he loves, and with her the same way. These conversations are too similar to our conversations. Why does he continue to be about me, why is all this so? I always asked to speak like it is. I wouldn't force him to keep it. And she is married and has a child. Is this the thing? Because of the impossibility of being together, as a reserve? It's too cruel. I seriously wanted our children, although I'm afraid of it. Will he constantly run to her and back?

Nadia, hello! It seems that you have the same asshole-man as I have ... I go through all the torments of the soul, doubts and sufferings that you do ...! I'll be happy to chat with you! Let's support each other and find a way out! Write to me at i9294540 (dog) yandex.ru or find me in contact Irishka Baeva SPB

Hello, please help me figure out what to do next and how to survive it!!! My husband and I are 6 years old, we have two daughters. When I was pregnant with the second, our relationship deteriorated, the pregnancy was difficult, panic attacks began, my husband did not understand scandals. At this time, he switched to a new job. After a while, a man wrote to me on social networks that my husband was cheating on me. To this, the husband replied that they just work together and often call up for work, and this is her ex-young man, just he doesn’t understand everything that way. After that, I began to notice that he began to come late if he went somewhere to rest. New Year after the chiming clock, he immediately ran away from home to the Christmas tree, saying that he wanted to rest. He appeared at 14 o’clock in the afternoon, asked for forgiveness, said that he got drunk and spent the night with a friend. they said that he was cheating on me, I answered her by asking what they had with my husband, she said that they just work together. But I checked the details of his calls and SMS, it turned out that just after the new year they began to correspond, and for whole days. I made a scandal for him, he said that he had an emptiness inside for me, and he was just pleased to communicate with her, she helps him sort out relationships in the family. She believed, tried to change relations in the family, more attention, care, communication. together, but as it turned out, he did not stop his communication with her. We had a fight, I wanted to leave, begged for forgiveness, said that we were very dear to him, that he would not repeat this again and would not hurt me anymore. We tried to save the family again. did not have not correspondence, he said that he loves. But at some point everything returned, she burned again in correspondence. Again a quarrel, again a chance to save the family, since all this time he said that they were just talking, that he was not cheating on me. And now for the fourth time, I decided for myself that this would be the last time, I won’t tolerate it anymore, we decided to save the family again. For two months everything was fine, we made plans for the future, we even discussed the birth of a third child. But now he again slept , I found another phone with him, of course he justified himself that this phone was given to him simply for safekeeping, but I didn’t believe it and decided to check it for the purchase of a SIM card, it turned out that a day after our application and the decision to save the family, he simply purchased a new one SIM card, but I didn’t stop communicating. We had a fight, I packed my things and the children and went to my mother. that she loves him he has been cheating on me for a long time, that he says that he loves her and only he needs her, she said that she sent him to the family more than once, but he returned her. But nothing has changed in the family, I saw that he loves me, wants , and all this time he didn’t even have thoughts of leaving me, at least he never said this and didn’t leave himself. Anyway, if he slept with her, as she says three times a day, he would he didn’t come home from work later and wouldn’t want me, but he never stopped wanting me, I saw that. And when he could have time to sleep with her, if he went straight from work to kindergarten and home. And if he went somewhere, I always knew where he was. And he still says that he loves us, that he didn’t cheat on me, but from her he just needs communication. I don’t know what to do, because the correspondence is already going on third year and he doesn’t finish them, which means something is wrong here, and after talking with her, I realized that she also bustles and believes a lot. I don’t know where the truth is and where the lie is. divorce already?

• Hello Irina. Try to give your husband what he lacks - communication. Become an interesting companion for your husband, think about personal self-development. After analyzing the correspondence, you can understand the nature of what you want. Perhaps this is flirting by correspondence - start to personally correspond with your husband.
  Do not try to seek the truth, try to save the family. Stop controlling your husband, his correspondence. Switching his attention to another (personal hobby) - his interest in communicating on the side will also subside over time.

  Hello, I’m reading your story and I see my life for the last 2 years ... one to one, you won’t believe it as if I wrote it myself ... everything ended with a divorce for us ... now we don’t live for a year, we live on our own, we don’t live with that one, but I know that she communicates on the same level as in marriage .... I don’t know what to advise you, I understand your condition. ..but life will not be the same as before, betrayal is very difficult to forgive .... one thing I can say, by myself, with his departures, a lot of negative information accumulates, he took off the stone and hung it on me and live on with him "happy ”, Yes, and communication with Madame left its mark, just such a moment came that I realized I couldn’t live with it, despite the fact that I love him very much and we have two children, now I’m trying to live on, I know what will pass, sometimes it rolls, but it doesn’t hurt as much as before, when it seemed that I would die ... ..
  I wish you happiness, patience, wisdom .... I hope it will reach him and he will take the family

  Hello! I had a chance to get into the situation of your husband's mistress, but for now I refrain. I loved a man who did not want to marry me, and after a stray wedding to another, he began to show sympathy for me. Now he already has two children, he drinks, is unhappy in marriage, runs away from his wife on business trips, and she passionately depicts love for children and jealousy for her husband. I can roughly imagine how that other woman feels when your husband refuses marriage, and uses it as a pillow for tears and rest from a controlling and persecuting wife. If she is lying, then in this way she is protecting herself from you. If you loved your husband, you would not let him live dishonestly, and the preservation of the family has nothing to do with it. It is more important to save a person, and all he does with you is that he lies unrestrainedly, and you seem to gloat that he "burned out again." Well, if you give your children this rotten illusion of a family, then they will create the same rotten illusory families according to your patterns. Well, your husband will die ten years earlier than with an honest life - will it be easier for you? Either observe the principle of honesty in the family, both, or scatter.

  Hello Irina! I wish you all the best, the brightest and most beautiful and get out of this situation faster. I'm in exactly the same situation right now. My husband decided that I stopped loving him and decided to find love "on the side." Namely - consoling his work colleague after two unsuccessful marriages - started a correspondence with her. They corresponded, called up more than 50 times a day (and so EVERY day!!!). Correspondence began with morning SMS and ended "before sleepy". This all lasted a year. Of course, I saw that his behavior changed. I tried to talk to him, but he denied everything and said that these were all my inventions. He wrote words of love to me and to her: first to me, and then to her, and vice versa. It seems that I want to save my family, but I just can’t come to terms with such a betrayal on his part. To my question “what is the reason?” he replied that for him it was so, it was pampering. I am completely obsessed with this problem, I can not get it out of my head and forget. Just as I remember what he wrote to her (the content of SMS), it becomes so painful. We have been married for over 10 years. Yes, there were problems, but not of this magnitude. I let him go to her, but he doesn’t want to go there himself, he says that he loves only me and his son, and it’s like that - just SMS. Therefore, after reading your message, I wish you (and myself too) to gain strength and patience. Although I myself think, if I forgive him, where is the guarantee that this will not happen again. Or maybe you and I should also talk to someone? (It's like I found one way out of this situation). The most important thing is the health of you and your children. And they still get what they deserve (from above). Not now, then later. Because I know that the evil done by you will come back to you.

  • Hello, everything is very similar to me ... I don’t know how to survive betrayal ...
    They lived together for 4.5 years, then they got married, and before a year had passed as from one scandal, everything flew into tar tare ... .. there were scandals before, it happened that I left, but they always put up ....
    after this scandal, they reconciled, went on vacation (they also swore on vacation), but they arrived together and I thought that everything would work out, and in the morning he said that he would divorce me ... I left then ... and in the morning a friend sent pictures from the club where he hugs the girl ....
    Then he began to write, call, say that he felt bad without me and he did not know how to live on .... I, too, was unbearable without him, all the years I lived only for him .... He said that there was nothing with the one from the club, I believed because I wanted to believe, although everyone around me told me the opposite ....
    We decided to let go, forget, and start over.... but I still no no, yes, I returned to that topic ...
    The application was short-lived .... I discovered his correspondence with another, (he called her an old girlfriend) that he thinks about her, that he wants to meet ... and wants more than just to be friends .... and when I told him, about that I know everything, at first he said that I dreamed it, and then instead of apologies (by the way, I never knew how to admit my mistakes, I could always turn it so that it was my fault for everything ....), as always, I said that I was to blame and only me…. and this is a lesson for me for the future ... and in the morning he wrote to her, good morning, and deleted me from friends !!! Packed up and left...
    And now it hurts so much, even climb on the stack .... until I understand what to do next, and probably the worst thing is if he had asked for forgiveness, I would have believed again. Stupid!

    • You wrote about me. Also 4.5 years, however, this is the end. I also believed, because I fooled my head with my “crystal purity”. And he always blamed me for everything, although he himself was wrong. And I also suffer from the asshole who wiped his feet on me for many years. I'm just trying to persuade myself that the universe has fenced me off from the biggest mistake in my life. Because there is a friend who has been suffering with this for 16 years. While the wound still hurts, but, probably, such an experience was needed. I think such men do not change, and when our “handsome men” get tired of another young lady, he will go to change again. But the main thing is that we will no longer cry, because by that time we will be grateful to fate for protecting us from such an unworthy person.