The family institution is based on word of honor. A generation ago, hardly anyone would have dared to publicly declare that children are a burden, there is no need to get married, and a series of remarriages is wonderful.

Traditional marriage takes on new forms: spouses live separately and visit each other, or, conversely, live together, but are not married, or are married, but allow each other any pranks on the side. Nevertheless, black cars with gold rings on top are still parked on Poklonnaya Gora. Brides come out of them, picking up the hem, and the aunts in the registry offices with the state metal in their voices congratulate the spouses. What makes adults reasonable people to perform this cumbersome ritual? Why would we even declare ourselves a family? There are several reasons, says Mikhail Papush, a member of the European Association of Psychotherapists. One of them is that a person came up with myths about the family, believed them, and now he is struggling to bring it to life.

- In our culture, the life of a couple is formed into a family. And for almost everyone, the family is a problem, because the myths about the family are unrealizable. At least the myth that family is both romantic love and reliability. People do not know how to combine spontaneous and free romantic love in marriage, or rather, falling in love, the life of which is limited, with a well-established way of life. This way of life involves a lot of mutual obligations, including, according to the myth, sexual fidelity.

In addition, men and women tend to be childish and self-centered. A man wants to be loved and served, to live by his values ​​and interests. A woman - to be loved and lived with this love. Everyone wants to receive, but no one is going to give, and both are offended. A 26-year-old man came to me, a co-owner of a company. He was abandoned by his wife, a sweet girl. He sits, pounds his knee with his fist and growls straight: “Well, why is she leaving? I felt so good with her! "

Women have a resentment that he is inattentive, devotes little time to her and children. He really tries to be somewhere far away, at work at best. Because they bothered him.

And on his part, resentment that she does not care about him, they say, "I earn money for them all day, but she does not carry cabbage soup to me in her beak."

- Why, when they get married, people think that the other half owes them everything?

- The myth of love is built on the story of courtship, most fairy tales end with a wedding. But the myth works after the wedding. It is believed that such love, which was before marriage, should always be in the family. In fact, the period of courtship, when he throws everything at her feet, is one mode of existence and mental activity, and ordinary life is completely different. The husband needs to work, and he cannot devote all his time to her, as well as the wife to him. Few people understand this. And she is much more busy with the baby than with her husband. And he is at a loss. He had just had everything, and suddenly almost nothing. People are trying to adapt to this. At best, he starts working harder and educates himself.

“But not as a child and not as a wife.

“It's not instinctive. In general, male child care is a rare thing. So, my husband found himself in work, is growing in the service, busy. A year has passed, a year and a half, the wife is no longer so busy with the child and is ready to "return" to her husband, but he is not. If he wants love now, he will not look for it with her. And in an amicable way, when a woman becomes pregnant, it is necessary for the man to include this circumstance in his life, so that they prepare together for the birth of a child. If everything was good with them before, if there was a completeness of the relationship, they complement this completeness with a child. And when she is again ready to tear herself away from the baby and go out to meet him, the man will meet her, because all this time they were together in soul.

In a marriage between spouses, there is not only a relationship about falling in love, but many very different relationships, for a variety of reasons. Relationships in everyday life are one thing, in connection with some common interests - another, sexual relations - the third. The spouses, entering into this relationship, are in different states. In the state of "night love" they see each other in a special way. In the morning at breakfast they see each other differently. And this transition, like other transitions, like the transition from courtship to everyday life, must be very delicately organized. You have to understand that the delight that was at night cannot be reproduced in the morning, and this is unnecessary. This difference is often terribly bewildering. “Just now I was crazy about her, but now I’m looking - well, aunt and aunt, what to do with her?” You need to know this and, creating a family, think about who we are to each other, not only in the heat of desire, but also in life.

- Sexual interest in marriage dulls over the years, it is common knowledge. However, it is customary to demand loyalty from each other. Why is such loyalty necessary?

- She acts as a sign of being chosen. "If he preferred another to me, then I am not good." "If she preferred someone else to me, I am not good." And although in modern families there is often sexual dissatisfaction, one-sided or mutual, infidelity is perceived as a threat to established family life... Sexuality, by the way, is not always the most important thing in marriage, more often it is not even the most important thing. The pair can be held together by other bonds. For example, a henpecked man needs a female heel, this can be no less strong instinctive need than sexual desires. In addition, people get used to being together, it is difficult for them to abandon it, and even in the absence of children, they cling to each other, unable to live independently.

- What's wrong with that? They live for themselves and live, maybe it's easier for them.

- The trouble is that such relationships are standardized, people stop noticing each other - they just live together, because it's more convenient, they don't even talk about love. The life of such a couple becomes rather dull. This is not even cynicism, it is indifference. If you do not want to live sadly, decide for yourself what you want. Answer yourself to the question, what is more important for you - spontaneous romantic love or household reliability, a well-established life. In a family, one rarely gets along with the other. Answer and decide whether you stay in this family or leave. And depending on this decision, you either adapt, or say "this does not suit me." But in this place everyone "hangs" endlessly: they are unhappy, and do not leave, and whine. If you didn't leave, then you stayed. If you stayed, be so kind as to adapt and build a satisfying life as best you can and as best you can.

This decision, apparently, is not easy. There are no more than a quarter of those who stay because “I want to be with this particular person” among my clients. Another quarter is too difficult to decide on changes, and the rest eventually admit that love is not the most important thing in their life, but more important is reliability, comfort, material conditions. I have rarely seen families where husband and wife really love each other. If these people are relatively mature, their love has grown into love. A more affordable option is a friendship that includes satisfying sexual relationships. Such people can live happily ever after.

But more often I meet with what I would call not love, but affection. In the sense of not "I love - I can't live without you," but "I can't live on my own or on my own." The feeling of one's own unviability ... here, perhaps, the appropriate formula "where am I without him (or without her)."

- Ten years ago, a sociologist told me that, having interviewed students about their amorous plans, his colleagues saw: young people are planning five or seven marriages for their lives. If they fell out of love, they ran away, and on a new one. Consistent polygamy. Is it really going to this?

- In my opinion - no. Of those whom I know, most would like to get married once and for all, because the myth of either one love or one marriage is in everyone's head. And then from work experience I know that the repeated change of partners exhausts and tires a person. With each parting, something is lost, goes away. When a man is looking for a couple in his youth, he prepares to give, to invest a lot of himself in this couple. When a couple is formed, people open up to each other and really give a lot, and with the feeling that all these feelings are signs of love "to you and only to you." The second time, this feeling “you, only you, and no one else ever” disappears. And it is one of the important components of love.

So, if I were giving advice to these same students, I would say: walk while walking, enter into temporary alliances, but only without children, and so consider that this is temporary. But when you're serious about it, take it very seriously. There is still need to say about the stages mental development... In adolescence, when puberty is already in full demand, first romantic, then sexual relations, and the consciousness is still half-childish, boyfriends and girlfriends can be changed without difficulty. And the next stage of adolescence is the stage of choice: a profession, more global goals in life, a couple. When people find themselves at this stage - and they should have been at it in their early 20s, but among my clients this happens, as a rule, at best in 30-40 years - so when and if a person reaches this stage of development, he chooses his life partner. And then a person begins to understand that falling in love is, of course, a necessary condition, but extremely insufficient. We also need compatibility, common life plans.

There is such an existential concept of "life project". How a person is going to live his life. And it is very important that these partners' projects are compatible. And if they are incompatible, then at very strong love the situation turns out to be tragic: it is impossible for them to live together. There are men whose life project does not provide for a partnership with a woman at all, but puts something else in the first place, for example, creativity.

- Why not revise your project in order to be with this person?

- I know of several cases when men tried to reconsider them. And each time I asked the question: what is more important to you, say, your research or a woman? They tried to pretend to be a woman, but research was actually more important.

- Is this a masculine trait?

- A female individual project is a rare thing. As a rule, a woman has a project “to be with a man in a certain way”, but he doesn't want that. Then what should she do?

“Spit on him or tune in, I suppose.

- Here is a story about how you can combine two different life projects. He is an IT guy high level, he is terribly interested. And since childhood, she wanted many children. They got married, let's go kids, now there are four of them. She decided from the very beginning that since she and only she needed these children, she would cope with them herself, without interfering with him doing his business. At the same time, she had a cabbage soup to his nose, and a shirt in the morning, and everyone was happy. She does not expect any help or unnecessary participation from him, she allows him to live as he needs, and she herself lives as she needs. She wanted children - she has them, she fiddles with them, and he earns money. The projects turned out to be compatible, since she did not demand participation from him.

And here is the story about incompatible projects. The woman was focused on the family, on home comfort, so that "we have everything together." Family dinners, family trips, so that he was always by her side. And the man was busy with his creativity, his work. He needed this woman in his rare free hours. It so happened that they were both in love and attached to each other. Exactly that “I want to be with you and only with you” - and could not, did not work. They parted very bitterly. But it was impossible for them to live together.

In another case, one businessman wanted his wife to meet him from work, stay at home, cook cabbage soup, and worry about his affairs with him. She had to be with him and for him, for him. And she married him, began to study, turned into a businesswoman - and began to compete fiercely with him in business, wanting to crush him (they were partners, or at least become equal with him). He was more experienced and stronger, he squeezed her out of business, and they parted. And love was the strongest. Compatibility of life projects is an important thing ...

- How to calculate it? Just talking?

- Well, not only talk, but carefully watch how a person lives.

There is also such a thing: when young people converge, without life experience, they, listening to a person's plans, think that he or she only says that this is not very serious and that “when we live together, then everything will get better. " But this is not so, and it can be seen from the outside. In such cases, I say: try not to do irreversible acts, do not have children, do not register them in an apartment. Love - and love yourself.

In addition to the life project, there is also a very strict criterion of compatibility: strata. Educational background, attitude to money, social status. And if there is a misalliance on this part, the modern family quickly disintegrates. Misalliance is if, for example, she has a university education, and he is a chauffeur. There may be a very strong sexual attraction between them, but they most likely will not succeed in a good family.

I remember my surprise when my beloved teacher, to whom the girls and I confided our heart's secrets - who liked whom - told us about how she got married. She and her husband studied together and were friends for a long time, well, in a simple way, and then somehow they suddenly got married. It was a very happy and calm family.

It seemed to me, a maximalist teenager - what nonsense is it, to equate and friendship! Love she hoo, as it overwhelms, passion, longing, torment, but also sweetness. And friendship is boredom, something even and calm. Something opposite to love, too stable and ... too responsible. With love, it's somehow easier - you have stopped loving, well, what can you do, you cannot order your heart. And friendship, it requires much more sacrifice and effort.

Now I know that there is no way without friendship in love.

My husband and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and we have been friends for 20 years. Actually, our family was born and grew out of a long friendship. Friendship with all that it implies - with common interests, long conversations on various topics, disputes, trusting each other in the secrets of the heart. And at the moment when there were frustrations (or downright tragedies, how much is needed at the age of 17-18 for a tragedy) on the romantic front, a true friend was near. So by the time some more than friendly romance appeared in our relationship, he knew everything about me. And I'm talking about him.

Oh, how many nerves we have saved in our family life thanks to this! And, no matter how many friends I have, girlfriends, even the oldest and most beloved, the best and, truly, I think, the only one, only he is a husband. Whom you trust completely and in everything, even that is not intended for husbands ears.

They say that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. This is not true, it is possible. Only it can end with a wedding. And friendship is the strongest foundation for a family. Because passion or has a tendency sometimes to fade, or even completely disappear. And without strong friendship, falling in love has no chance of turning into love.

I have long understood that nothing good can come of marriage according to the principle "You are Orthodox, I am Orthodox, so everything will be fine with us." It will be possible, but not for long. On the first godly impulse. Rather, there will be an appearance that everything is good and correct. But, if there are no common interests other than faith, if there is at least some commonality of characters, views, tastes, a similar sense of humor in the end, then very soon everything will start to fall apart.

And at best, family life will continue by inertia, out of habit, or out of a bare sense of duty. A sense of duty, which will collapse at the first sign of passion, any passion - be it carnal passion or love for alcohol or irritability, or stinginess, whatever. Or the wife will become not pious enough for her husband (or vice versa) and endless pressure and humiliation will begin ...

But in addition to all this, a person can experience a crisis of faith. Or even leave the church altogether. And then what will bind the spouses? What will save them and help the one who loses this faith to get out? Nothing, I'm afraid. Because there is no trust in your other half, but there is doubt as to whether this is your half ... And this “half” does not really strive to be a support, because it is seized by bitterness, resentment, and simple family concerns.

Alas, I meet more and more sad examples when a family is tormented by two crises at the same time - faith and family. For some reason, more often it "sausages" men. And in this case, it is even unclear who is harder - a woman who has no time to suffer especially, because children are in her arms and you have to think about what to do next, or a man who suddenly finds himself in a full feeling that absolutely everything in life was wrong, and especially marriage ... Outwardly, of course, it is harder for a woman (to be honest, I am more on their side in such situations), but how is it really? Who has more opportunity not to lose heart, in the literal and figurative sense of this expression ?.

Honestly, it's even hard for me to imagine this feeling - that you have never really loved your spouse (or spouse), and something vague and abstract once bound you. I think this is very scary and painful.

I do not mean to say that this can only happen in Orthodox family, with people who got married in a neophyte impulse - an impulse of passion that bound "ordinary", non-church people in this sense is not at all more reliable.

And even if the family does not fall apart, but rests on a sense of duty or inertia, is it a family? When the husband does not want to go home, and the wife is happy if he is late at work, when there is nothing to talk about except the budget, when either indifference or irritation hangs in the air all the time. And not temporarily, but forever. It may sound grim, but personally I think there is no way out of this situation. Sadly, the moment was missed at the very beginning. Probably, in the case of a very strong-willed and responsible person who is ready to love the unloved, a breakthrough and miracle happens. But, alas, I have not seen such cases.

In general, whatever one may say, but without friendship in marriage you will not go anywhere. I can cite a lot of examples, not from books and not even from the stories of "acquaintances," but from my own observations.

Here are families with one child, ordinary average, non-believers: the husband proposed to his wife very romanticly, without close acquaintance and, moreover, friendship, without really knowing anything about her, quickly got married, quickly tired of each other, live by inertia, manage the household together and bring up a child, do not swear too much. The wife says - oh, how good it is when he leaves for a day. I remember that it was a shock for me when I first heard it. And this was at the beginning of family life, of all the participants in the conversation, I was married the longest at the time of that conversation, and I suffered terribly when my husband went to work for a day. And now I am not at all surprised by such words (I don’t know what men say there, I’m more about women), because I hear it very often, alas.

There are such vivid examples from families of believers when people are radically different when they get married, but after all, both are Orthodox, so everything will be fine and right. And this led to the most sad consequences, even worse than those of non-believers.

But for you families, the spouses in which they studied together (cooked in various common parties, were counselors in the camp, had some kind of common hobby), no special romance in the generally accepted sense, long friendship, for many for some time even without a shadow of thoughts about marriage and "relationships" - and now people have been together for many years, and they only become more interested in each other. What's the secret?

Yes, there is no secret - the usual friendship. Do not look for romance, passion, tears and sighs, but just look for a friend with whom you are interested, whom you trust. And then a cordial relationship, you see, will appear.

It is not for nothing that there is such an old name for a loved one - heart friend.

Who do you need more - family or friends? And if there was a choice - just family or just friends? It's good that no one seriously puts us before such a choice. Because, no matter how much we love our husbands, children and parents and no matter how we value our family, for complete happiness we do not have enough of them - these wonderful people who are ready to keep company on weekdays and on holidays, ready to go with us to the cinema and cross the Alps. It is never boring with them, you can discuss everything in the world with them, we have no problems with them. Except that ...

Chatting with friends takes too long

The idea of ​​what place friends should occupy in life is formed in childhood. At the same time, the degree of closeness in communication with them is determined. This largely depends on the example of parents and other relatives. A child who spent his entire childhood surrounded by a huge friendly parent company, in the future, will probably strive to recreate the same type of relationship in his family. Not the least role is played by features of character and temperament, such as sociability. Attitudes can change in adulthood as well. So, for example, an over-communicative wife and an introverted husband sometimes seem to adopt each other's qualities and approach the golden mean in communication with friends.

“I like that my husband has many friends. They are all cool guys, and I’m not against their company at all. But apart from joint meetings, with wives and girlfriends, they still have only men's“ training camp ”- a game of football, a bathhouse and beer I have nothing against it, but not as often. Almost every Wednesday - football, every Friday - a bath. And all this is not even discussed - he goes there as if to work. Sometimes they celebrate good things in the same way. work, sometimes - the victory of our (or not our) team. And I sit at home, rereading books. "

Such claims are not uncommon. And they are presented more often to men. Of course, it happens that a wife is inclined to various hobbies outside the home, but usually these are cases when she is unhappy with her family life. When everything is in order, then all her hobbies are within the family, with the family and for the family. This does not mean seclusion and the absence of any interests whatsoever. But women supplement their family life with these interests and communication with friends, and men, along with family life, need another. Women do not necessarily need some kind of business to communicate with each other - the communication itself is perceived by them as an occupation. And men cannot "just chat" with friends, they get together for something specific. This is work, sports, collecting, hunting or fishing, as well as discussing all this over a beer or in a bath.

Is it possible to fight this? You can, and in any way. It will not help anyway: either instead of one hobby there will be another (it is quite possible that you will not like it even more), or new friends will appear instead of old ones (also unknown which ones), or there will be no friends at all.

Better pay attention to the positive aspects of this pastime.

You have a stable free time, and shaping, a beauty parlor, a hairdresser are at your disposal (no remorse: how is your beloved?). And you have an active, pleased with yourself - and therefore with everyone around you - a husband. Isn't it a gift?

By the way, people who do not pose any obstacles in communicating with friends are usually able to refuse it if necessary. But the forbidden fruit, as you know, is doubly attractive.

Friends don't like

“My husband hates my girlfriend. She talks nonsense, laughs too loudly, comes too often without warning and affects me badly. Of course, he does not kick her out of the house, but he does everything possible to make her leave. , yawns, answers questions: “Yes” - “No.” I tried to talk to him on this topic - I would like good relationship- but he is adamant: "From the outside it is better to know what kind of person she is. If you want - communicate, but without me." ... Now I and with her conflicts on this basis began to arise. Well, do not tell her to come when her husband is not at home? "

We cannot love all people, and it is likely that we do not really like some of the relatives and friends of our chosen one or chosen one. Cases of extreme hostility are rare enough, but the popular wisdom about "my friend's friend" is not always confirmed. Why? People may have different needs for communication, and then funny friendly parties, turning into matinees, delight and amuse one of the spouses, but annoy and completely unsettle the other. Another reason for such a cool attitude may be common jealousy. It is difficult to admit this, but how else can you call the feeling that your loved one is very good with someone else, that he needs this friend no less than you, that they are connected by warm memories and many mutual acquaintances?

Well, in the end, we may not like someone, because ... we just don't like it. Those who are fond of psychoanalysis can figure out exactly why in a couple or three years, but it is more important, perhaps, to determine their behavior.

So the first thing. Whatever feelings you have for your husband's friends (in general, for someone else's friends), you must admit that this is their right. Think about what these friends are so dear, what do they give psychologically? What provides such a strong relationship?

Be moderate in your criticism. Statements like: "What can be in common with such people, what can you talk about with them !?" - will certainly lead to resentment and even conflict, because it is known that people are friends who are somewhat similar. You can say that you do not like a specific act or something in particular in behavior, but do not touch your appearance, intellect, moral qualities.

If you really don't like hanging out with these people, try to negotiate a time apart without resentment.

And finally, the advice is exactly the opposite: try to arrange as many joint events with them as possible. It is possible that seeing people in different life situations and having learned all their qualities, you will change your attitude towards them and fall in love well, just like relatives.

Friends like too much

“My husband cannot be introduced to anyone. As soon as any of my friends appears, he begins to take care of her in every possible way. All this is done under the pretext of hospitality, but, you know, with my aunt he is far from being so polite and prudent. invite new acquaintances to the house, because all these courtesies, cute jokes, the search for mutual acquaintances just got me. "

There are probably very few people who, being happily married or married, would never flirt. Having chosen the one and only, we continue to communicate with by different people, including with members of the opposite sex, including those we like. In general, it is believed that any relationship between a man and a woman, even professional, has a touch of courtship and play.

Moderate flirting is harmless to, and perhaps even beneficial. New impressions, confirmation of your attractiveness to other people have a positive effect on mood and enliven the relationship with your partner. But everyone has different ideas about what is permissible in such a frivolous courtship, and what is not. It is good if the husband and wife have the same ideas. If one of them considers a playful compliment to a "stranger" lady in the presence of his wife as the height of promiscuity, and the other does not see anything reprehensible in this, it is unlikely that communication in a heterosexual company will be equally pleasant for both.

Of course, it cannot be argued that such friendships never develop into more serious relationships. In life, as they say, there is a place for everything, and many life dramas begin from the moment someone introduced their wife or husband to their own friends. So maybe it’s safer not to have friends at all? Unlikely. If a person has an inner readiness for a new romance, he will start it - and with anyone. Therefore, it is better to take care of relationships within the family, to maintain mutual interest, so that the routine of everyday life and conflict clashes do not force them to seek new options. On the other hand, avoid provocation. If you ask a friend to be in your absence at the camp site with your husband and child and live with them in the same house, then do not complain in a week that a very warm relationship has developed between them.

Friends influence behavior

It is important for us what others think of us, and therefore our behavior is not always sincere: we behave in the way we want to create an impression of ourselves. With regard to the topic of communication between family and friends, it might look like this. The husband comes home from work, the wife and her friends drink coffee at home and discuss the shopping trip. Seeing her husband, his wife says: "Dear, I'm so tired, please cook dinner. By the way, I forgot to buy groceries - go quickly to the store. Well, we are waiting for you." And if the husband is a non-conflict person, he will go to the store, and the girlfriends will ask for advice on how to tame the man to such an extent. For this, everything was started - to show their superiority in relationships.

There are many options for how to show this. In the presence of friends, a husband can tell stories about some familiar girls, call back with someone in such a way that his wife has nothing to complain about, but so that everyone understands: he is a free man who is popular, and his wife tolerates all this, because he is very loves.

"We quarrel every time after the visit of the guests. Because my husband makes so many comments to me every time, both for and without reason. Whatever I do, it's not like that:" Helen, who does this? The wine does not need to be chilled, it is even written here - for those who are especially literate. "Or:" Of course, you did not buy what I asked, - I only said two times, not ten. "He treats me like a fool, but then he says that these are just humorous remarks. And usually (without guests) he does not behave like that. On the contrary, he himself helps me, gives in and, of course, does not allow himself such rude jokes. "

Those who actually do not possess this superiority, and those who actually experience insecurity or even inferiority in the family situation, tend to such a demonstration of superiority. To fix this, it may not be enough to just talk frankly with your partner and ask them to be tactful. It is better to sort things out with the help of a family psychologist. Several joint visits will be very beneficial for the psychological health of the family.

Conflicts with friends

“For several years we were friends with one married couple - Andrey and Masha. We were vacationing together in the south, and the relationship somehow immediately developed. We discovered many common interests, we understood each other perfectly, and our children are almost the same age. they have such wonderful relations with each other that we too - apparently under the influence of example - have fewer conflicts. In general, I was very glad that we have such friends. But a few months ago my husband had a serious fight with Andrey. The reason is Andrey He promised something, but did not do it on time, as a result, my husband let people down, connections with whom were very important at work, etc. This is what my husband told me.Andrey told his wife in a different way, so it's hard to find out the real reason. I don't care what happened. But now I can't communicate. Masha and I at first tried to somehow return everything, but it didn't work out: husbands are adamant and set us up against each other too. "

It is a pity to lose a relationship, even if there is a reason for a serious conflict. And I would like to avoid this, because with age, new friends appear less and less. Everyone understands this, but often with a delay, when it is already difficult to return what was lost.

• It is better not to have any professional or any business relationship with friends and relatives. Too often it ends up in conflict. The person may be a good friend, but not as knowledgeable as you might expect. Appreciate your friends for the qualities that they have and that ensure your friendship.
• High demands on people and on themselves will certainly ensure social stability. But, you see, good people sometimes do bad things too. If you end your relationship with everyone who did not behave the way we expected and how we thought it was right, then ... a few years - and New Year we will meet all alone.
• If you are not involved in the conflict, but your other half, then do not add fuel to the fire, but, on the contrary, smooth over the severity of the situation. Men are in conflict over business problems - and then the wife can try to convince that there are not only deeds in life, but also just human communication. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to quarrel over interpersonal issues. A husband, who thinks that this is sheer trifles, can even suggest to his wife that it is not so serious to take who said what was wrong.
• No matter how angry you are with a person, try to follow the basic rules of behavior in a conflict: analyze a specific situation, not personal qualities; talk more about your feelings, and do not stigmatize; do not go over to the discussion of relatives and predictions about children; do not threaten and do not bring the development of the situation to the word "never".
• Do not be afraid to take the first step towards reconciliation, or maybe apologize for saying too much in a fit of anger. You will only benefit from this.
• Don't try to remember grudges for the rest of your life. In addition to inhibiting the restoration of relationships with other people, they can affect your own condition and worsen your health.
• Try to look at the whole situation from the outside, through the eyes of a completely stranger. Imagine what the other side is talking about the conflict. Think about why your friend or girlfriend did this in the recent past, why they said these exact words. Definitely - because they are also emotional and they also have some kind of claims for your certain attitude towards yourself.
• Try to look a few years ahead. What happens if you end the relationship completely? What will you lose and what will you gain? Now make a choice - stay your friendship in the past or continue in the present and future.

P.S. It is not in the rules of psychologists to insist (and even more so to press), but if you chose the first option, do this whole procedure in a month. Everything in the world is changing, and so is our perception of this world. And friendship is too much value to be lost to petty personal ambitions.

When she gets married, a woman by default expands her circle of acquaintances to include all of her spouse's friends, whether she likes it or not. If there is no mutual sympathy between the parties, the young husband finds himself at a crossroads - to meet his wife halfway or remain faithful to old friendships.

How can a girl improve her relationship and should she do it? Find out why the struggle for the attention of a loved one with his friends can end in tears and how to prevent family tragedy.

Opposition theory

Every man definitely needs a field for self-expression - a society and a place where he could discuss topics of interest to him “without censorship” and expect an approval reaction in return. In a family, a guy asserts himself differently, and normally his behavior is significantly different from what is considered permissible in a male company.

At the beginning of a marriage, while “old priorities” are still working in the relationship and the spouses are actively trying to defend their independence, friendship can come first for a man. He tries to prove to his acquaintances, and above all to his young wife, that the conclusion of a marriage union is not a reason to change habits. Usually, this position in the family is maintained during the first year after the wedding, after which the husband finally decides in favor of the side where he feels most comfortable.

Male friendship: to protect or destroy?

The wife's attitude towards her husband's friends, as a rule, is formed during the difficult period of the “first year” for the family, and if the guy spends most of his free time meeting with friends, it cannot be positive. A woman is faced with a choice:

• leave everything as it is and come to terms with the fact that the husband will often disappear outside the house;
• make friends with your spouse's companions by introducing yourself into their company;
• get rid of unwanted people by stopping my husband's communication with them forever.

Having chosen an acceptable option for eliminating the danger, the girl must develop tactics of behavior and follow it to the end. She needs to be prepared for the fact that, having felt opposition, her husband's friends will try to win the man over to their side, and whether they succeed or not will depend on her personal efforts.

In some cases, male friendship can be the key to the success of the head of the family and bring him not only pleasure from communication, but also contribute to the development of his financial and social position. In this case, even if the husband's friend does not arouse sympathy from the wife, it is better for her to leave the negative to herself and tune in to a friendly and respectful attitude towards a new acquaintance.

Why husbands choose friends

Unlike women, for whom friendship means an opportunity to speak out and be heard, men perceive companionship as an option for self-realization. In the company of like-minded people or in the company of a best friend, the husband can temporarily abstract himself from the role of breadwinner and family protector and return to emotional condition prior to marriage.

When can a man choose companionship to the detriment of his family?

• immature disposition of character (infantilism) and unwillingness to take responsibility;
• inability to behave naturally and at home at home;
• low authority of the wife in the eyes of her husband;
• spouse's hysteria and nervous atmosphere at home;
• a common hobby with friends that has been at the heart of their relationships for many years (for example, fishing);
• unwillingness to cause condemnation and receive the status of henpecked in a circle of acquaintances.

The husband may not be aware of the reason that drives him out of the house over and over again, but if this happens, the woman should look for the problem in her own attitude to family life, and not in the communication of her husband with his friends. To deprive him of this resource by force means to doubt his masculinity and to expose him in a funny light in front of his comrades. A husband, even having submitted to such a decision of his wife, can harbor a grudge against her, which will certainly lead to mutual disappointment.

A Bad Friend Can't Spoil a Good Husband

Women often complain that under the influence of their best friend, the husband changes dramatically for the worse - he starts walking, drinking and showing aggression at home. However, the ability to radically change a person's character is not inherent in even the worst friends. People do not change suddenly, and no external circumstances can force a man to smoke and drink if these bad habits contradict his inner convictions.

Those unpleasant traits that a woman reveals in her spouse in the course of his communication with friends, in fact, always constituted the latent essence of his nature, forming throughout his life. But it is easier for a wife to blame unmarried or unencumbered friends of her husband for all the misfortunes than to admit that the faithful himself, at the first opportunity, is ready to take up a bottle or run to a party.

Before “weaning” a spouse away from friendly gatherings, one must ask the question: is everything in the family really so perfect that, having lost an outlet on the side - even in the form of “bad” friends, the spouse will happily spend all weekend at home? Perhaps, being left alone with themselves and with problems that were only covered by external factors, the husband and wife will understand how little they connect and how they, in fact, know each other poorly.

A fight for attention that might not have been

The complaints of girls who are faced with a busy schedule of spouse's entertainment sound the same: "I do not want to communicate with my husband's friends, but I also cannot allow him, under the influence of his friends, to slip into infidelity or alcoholism." As a result, the wife is present at men's gatherings, not getting any pleasure from communication and overshadowing the fun of the whole company with her dissatisfied look. Or he sits at home, winding himself up morally and preparing the ground for another scandal.

In fact, if the girl had bothered to be frank with herself first of all, this phrase would have sounded like this: "I will not allow my husband to devote his attention to anyone else but me." My wife is offended: she works just like her chosen one, pulls on herself the chores around the house and would like to receive gratitude for this. In this situation, her husband's meetings with friends are perceived by her as a betrayal. She gets nervous, fantasizes, torments herself and her husband with phone calls.

Having gone through a difficult period of getting used to each other, having learned to value their partner and his interests (and this comes with the years of marriage), women begin to regret this wasted time when they tried to control every step of their husband. Hours spent in nervous anticipation are irrevocably gone, and the eternal scandals that accompany each spouse's return force him to look for new opportunities to leave home. It turns out vicious circle: demanding more attention to herself and not being able to argue her right with anything other than reproaches, a woman pushes a man away from herself even more, and loyal friends become for him already salvation from an unbearable home environment.

Good behavior with your husband's friends

At the beginning of family life or before the wedding, that meeting-X will definitely take place, which decides the further position of the girl in the established friendly environment of her husband. If a new member of the gathering has to "out of the way" and friends directly tell the guy about it, there is a 95% chance that he will stop inviting his girlfriend to the company.

How can a girl behave correctly in a new society, so that the friends of her beloved person would consider her a worthy match for their comrade and not build intrigues against her?

1. You should immediately present yourself as an integral part of the spouse, so that friends do not even have doubts that from now on all their invitations and other issues will be considered not by one person, but by two.
2. You need to think before you speak, and not rush to take sides in conversations, because behind every event in the company there is a story that is not yet known to the new participant.
3. You can not flirt or highlight any of your husband's friends with your attention - this behavior of the girl will cause ridicule in his direction and will automatically impose a ban on her presence in this society.
4. You should listen more and more often support your spouse in the conversation - this will give him confidence that his choice regarding his girlfriend has become the right one.

Most likely, there will be other girls in the company of her husband's friends. If this is the case, then it is better for the newly arrived woman to enlist their favor first. Even if the guys do not advertise this in society, at home they always listen to the opinion of their girlfriends, and this factor can be decisive for the bride of their friend.

How to get your husband out of a "bad" company

If in the company of friends, a man reveals only the worst qualities that make themselves felt at home, the situation needs to be changed urgently. It will not work to forbid a guy to communicate with such people. Strong between husband and friend are always justified on a deep psychological level. It remains only to cool the old friendship, drop by drop, bringing doubt and mutual dissatisfaction with each other into it.

Here are some of the most simple ways to expel "extra" people from the comfort zone of the spouse:

• You need to praise your husband more often, saying how positive he is and at the same time wondering how he finds anything in common with such a gray mediocrity as his friend.
• A girl can occasionally hint to her husband that his friend is looking at her, that she does not like his "greedy" look.
• If the husband's friend makes some mistake, the girl needs to show her upset - to a greater extent, by the fact that the friend's behavior disgraces her loved one.
• It is permissible for a woman during joint gatherings in a benevolent manner to ask the friends of the faithful "uncomfortable" questions, the answers to which will expose them not in the best light.

And finally, a girl should always look good and look a little helpless - then any attacks from her husband's friends in her direction will cause her husband to want to protect her, to rebel against everyone.

Relationship with a friend of an ex-husband

Due to various circumstances, the marriage may break up, and some friends of the ex-spouse may turn out to be sober enough to side with the weaker half. There is nothing shameful in the fact that a girl, even after a divorce, continued to communicate with her husband's friend, albeit a former one, but sometimes mutual understanding develops into a stronger feeling. It is much more difficult for guys to decide to follow him than for girls, because on one side of the scales for them they find themselves and on the other - a love adventure, which can either develop into a strong union or end in nothing.

For a woman, the possibility of a relationship with her husband's best friend is not so much a matter of ethics as an agreement with her own conscience. Shortsighted young ladies have ways to use such a move as revenge on the "ex" or to forget with a person who "knows everything." For a serious-minded girl, the opinion of the spouse left behind is important. The idea of ​​"what the ex will think" is kept in the mind of a woman long after a divorce, and it is she who often becomes the reason that a promising friendship with her husband's friend becomes impossible.

If the couple nevertheless decided to take an important step, the girl should remember three important "not":

• never reproach a man for betraying a friend;
• not comparing life with a new guy with those relationships that are a thing of the past;
• not letting the young man think he is being used as an instrument of revenge.

The option when men continue to be friends even after they have changed roles in relation to the girl is considered not the best. If men find it well mutual language, they will always be in solidarity to the detriment of anything, which means that a woman needs to be prepared for the fact that all conflicts in her new family will be considered through the prism of a failed marriage.

Psychologist comments

When she gets married, a girl pre-sets herself up for new life circumstances will force the husband to change his attitude towards friends, giving them the second place on the scale of importance, but this opinion is erroneous. A man does not consider his current marital status from the point of view of sacrifice; for him, marriage is a new component of a happy present, fitting among other elements of joy, the same as communicating with friends.

Not a single normal man will answer positively to the bride's question, asked during the premarital relationship, about whether he is ready to break off all friendly ties, having found family happiness. A man simply does not understand how these two moments of his cloudless future can crowd out each other, and he will be right in his own way. The mistake of many young wives is that after the wedding they directly issue an ultimatum: “Either I, or they!”, Without even realizing that the desired effect can be achieved without squabbling and mutual accusations.

A well-groomed, affectionate, always playful-minded wife who meets her husband in good mood no matter where he comes from - from work or from a friendly party - this is a guarantee that in a short time new associations will be earned in the mind of a man. It is no longer a friend's bachelor apartment or a cafe that will appear before his eyes when planning the next weekend, but a cozy house with a friendly hostess.

"Tell me who your friend is, and I'll tell you who you are." And if this friend is not only yours, and not only your husband's, but ... common? Sometimes you need to think about: what role does he play in your family? And is it not a threat to your marriage?

Male friendship is a sacred concept and has been praised many times. Women's friendship usually causes doubts among others, to put it mildly, and friendship between the sexes - ambiguous grins. But then a person appears at the door of your apartment, to questions about whom you always calmly answer: "This is a friend of our family." So tempting to ask: "What does this mean?"

Family friends are a controversial phenomenon. A kind of triangle develops: you, your husband and another person (male or female). “If the stars are lit, then someone needs it,” Mayakovsky wrote.

If three people line up in a "friendly triangle", then they need it. Thus, they satisfy their internal needs, which, by the way, are not always realized by the spouses themselves and the “family friend”. Of course, there are also “pure” friendships - who can argue? But more often than not, the existence of a common very close friend is a signal of danger, a sign of the instability of a marriage. Even if we are not talking about outright adultery, all the corners of the triangle are sharp, and hitting them - oh, how, it hurts ...

Crutches "for marriage

Diligently drawing a pencil over the paper, a human child draws a HOUSE. No matter how strange, clumsy or pot-bellied the "square" to its base turns out to be, the kid will mount a triangle on top with constant zeal. This is a painted tower, where happy young people began to live and live and make good money. "Or maybe the same hut in which - with a lovely paradise? The triangle is a stable figure. It happens that it is she who strengthens the wobbly family building. Here is one such story. with an extremely atypical, fabulously happy ending.

Not long ago Katya experienced a dull irritation when she heard Oleg's cheerful voice in the telephone receiver on Saturday morning: “Is yours still asleep? Okay, get ready quickly, at 11.30 on the court! "Well, again this" rest for three "! Why should she, still almost a newlywed, get out of the matrimonial bed and rush with Igor to his" friend from the sandbox "?!

But gradually round-the-clock communication with her adored husband (they studied together at the institute) became not only unpleasant, but somewhat tiring. The presence of Oleg, a calm and benevolent "senior comrade", helped to cope with outbursts of emotions, outbursts of irritation and misunderstanding. Oleg, in turn, willingly allowed Katya to take care of him like a woman (no need to smile knowingly - beyond that his desires really did not extend). He lost his dearly beloved mother early, and there was no close woman next to him.

After a couple of months, Katya became so attached to Oleg that she began to get bored if he did not come for several days. Igor sincerely valued both and did not think to be jealous. On the contrary, I was terribly glad that everything had turned out so well.

Then Oleg fell in love with a charming shaping instructor. Katya and Igor graduated from the institute, family life went back to normal, a daughter, Alenka, was born, and the "family friend" situation gradually developed into harmonious "family friendship".

You are disappointed? Waited for blood and tears? But in reality, everything is not so smooth: serious psychological problems are hidden behind a prosperous facade. Why did the newlyweds replace the precious minutes of solitude with a threesome? Why Oleg, an interesting free man, didn't spend more time with single friends and unmarried female friends !? What did they all lack?

The answer is simple: paternal and maternal custody. The psyche of the three young people remained somewhat infantile and immature. This (to varying degrees) is characteristic of all mankind: women subconsciously seek to find a father in a husband, and men in a wife - a mother. Moreover, not only Igor was infantile, but also their family as a whole. And Oleg became a kind of "stabilizer", a guide through a new space for spouses life together, with its not only "centripetal", but also "centrifugal" tendencies.

As for Oleg himself, he always idealized the image of a deceased mother. Hence the difficulties with the female sex: he wanted the impossible - to find the lost "maternal" principle. It was then that Katya entered the stage: despite her youth, the lady is married, with a developed - and not yet realized maternal instinct.

A happy exit from the "triangle" is a rare case. It is very dangerous when a friend turns up not with a young, but with an "aged" family, where feelings have faded somewhat. The wife sees that her husband has not burned with his former passion for a long time. And feminine nature, as you know, does not tolerate emptiness. And a woman uses a family friend as an emotional "prop". Fills the void - and has no idea what it might lead to. Unfortunately, quite often the denouement is similar to the ending of a tragedy.

Trump in the struggle for power

The struggle for power (secret, subconscious, and sometimes overt) is inherent in every family. And the presence of the "third" gives one of the parties the opportunity to quietly manipulate the spouse. Such games are dangerous, they gradually destroy the family - and in the end an explosion occurs.

Once upon a time Alla, her husband Artem and his most devoted friend - Sasha. So, the vertices of the triangle are marked, and we will leave the lines of the narration to the heroine herself.

“My husband and I didn’t live very smoothly,” Alla admitted with a sigh at the psychologist’s appointment. “And somehow by itself it turned out that Sasha's appearance helped us to make peace. I, as if by chance, tried to“ get ”him to visit. on days of quarrels and “cooling off.” My husband seemed to be pleased, I did not notice any signs of jealousy, although I felt that Sasha liked me as a woman.

And then disaster struck. Once, in a streak of regular scandals, Sashka appeared. He lived outside the city and often stayed overnight with us. So it was then: he went to bed first in the living room, then her husband went to the bedroom. The thought of a marital bed caused me that day a feeling bordering on disgust. Either because of the heavy night shift the day before, or because of an extra glass of "Khvanchkara" at dinner, but common sense left me for a while. I took the folding bed, put it next to the peacefully snoring Sasha and instantly "passed out".

This is how I finally ruined my marriage. Perhaps he would have disintegrated anyway - sooner or later. But it was this case that served as the reason for the divorce.

The next morning, Artyom behaved in such a way that I understood: the jealousy, splashed out in an ugly scene, had been accumulating for years. And the way I "innocently" used Sasha was actually a hidden blackmail. I kind of made it clear to Artem: "Do you see how your wonderful friend admires me? Look, don't let me go!"

People with serious mental problems usually seek to manipulate others. For example, some women in a state of hysterical neurosis constantly use sexual plasticity, as if they are running a rapid fire - they seduce everyone and refuse everyone. Such a woman breeds triangles around herself, and her family friends are usually her first "victims". In fact, she herself does not know what she wants, she is thrown from side to side, like a boat in a stormy sea of ​​unconscious fears and emotions. Or maybe she's just bored?

Interestingly, for some people, the "triangle" is a common type of relationship building from childhood. In the process of psychoanalysis, it is usually found that the man, who often enters into a "triangular relationship", competed with the father for maternal love, and the woman, respectively, with the mother for paternal love.

And the personal life of such people, as a rule, became a chain of triangles: with friends, colleagues, loved ones. To break this vicious circle ... sorry, triangle, you can only "pulling out from the subconscious" the root cause, childhood psychological trauma, already firmly forgotten.

I'll give my husband in good hands ...

If you combine the phrases that are often heard in the psychologist's office, you get something like the following: "Why are you so unfair to Nikita (Petya, Vasya ...)? He is always considerate with you, I might even be jealous - but I respect both of you! Why are you object to his visits? interesting person, a friend of our family? "

Indeed, why are you worried about the presence of Petit or Vasya in your family kitchen 3-4 times a week? And why are you so reluctant to go with a family friend to the theater, where your husband, going on a business trip, bought tickets in advance? After all, he took care that you did not get bored ...

Well, my heart aches for a reason. Often, pushing the wife to get closer to a friend, the husband subconsciously looks for a reason for divorce. The marriage ceased to satisfy him, but he is not able to go to a straight break: either the principles do not allow, or he does not want to take the blame. Sometimes it comes to the fact that the husband begins to play the role of "child". He does not "guard" his fair half, but on the contrary, closes his eyes to everything. He is comfortable, both his wife and friend take care of him, they even send him to bed early, like a beloved child. Roughly speaking, he doesn't give a damn about everything else.

Women also successfully use this tactic, most often trying to hide the brewing coldness towards their husband. A typical scheme: the wife invited her friend to visit, left to spend the night, then joint trips to the cinema and trips to the country began ... All this is shrouded in a haze of light jealousy, which alternates with the joy of companionship. The wife is led by her subconscious, which tells her an unexpected way to express the accumulated dissatisfaction and aggression. And thus only exacerbates his emotional problem.

There is also a very painful situation: one of the spouses constantly provokes the other to commit adultery. Most often this is a person with extremely low self-esteem, a partner seems to him an unattainable ideal. At some point, he goes headlong into business, leaves the other alone, providing unlimited freedom, constantly invites friends to the house. In general, it pushes towards something that, it would seem, should be especially feared. This is done unconsciously, in order to once again find confirmation of his "failure", his image of a loser.

By someone else's fire

It happens that a person becomes a close friend of a completely happy and prosperous family, almost a member of it. Even the most meticulous psychoanalyst will not unearth any complications between the spouses, there can be no question of a love affair. Who is he then, this strange "third is not superfluous"? What binds him to a peaceful couple?

Often, this role is played by a person who is not only flawed, but to a certain extent unhappy, with psychological problems (serious or not so). This may be quite "normal" in the usual sense of the person. It's just that for some reason he is not able to create his own family, but he also feels uncomfortable alone.

The rarest and most exotic type of such a "third" is a person with impaired sexual identification - in other words, with unconscious homosexual inclinations. However, you should not focus on this possibility and suspiciously investigate your friends for hidden sexual perversions. This case is mentioned solely for the sake of completeness.

But another option - unfortunately, now in our society is not so unusual. A loyal and devoted family friend can become a person suffering from a deep neurosis, which is most often the result of psychological trauma: for example, people who have gone through Afghanistan or Chechnya, victims of violence. They want warmth, but they cannot trust another person (potential husband / wife). Protecting themselves from possible mental pain, they prefer to build "safe" relationships for themselves with "ready" couples - and "bask in someone else's fire."

In the same way, a person who grew up in a dysfunctional family keeps a negative model of marriage in his subconscious and is afraid to repeat the fate of his parents. As for the inmates of orphanages, in their subconsciousness there is no model of marital relations at all. Intrafamily relations for their psyche is an unknown sphere and, therefore, potentially dangerous. Fear comes into conflict with the human craving to "build a nest." Another's "nest" turns out to be a welcome compromise and brings peace of mind.

People who cannot have children and are forced to realize their parental instinct in other ways do very well with the role of "family friend". In addition, the warmth of someone else's hearth often warms the soul of a person who has suffered a family tragedy - in particular, the loss of a spouse. If a family is able to emotionally support such a person, then he will surely become a reliable friend and helper.

We love our friends with all their flaws and problems. After all, friendship is wonderful. Of course, if you have a real friend next to you, and not a "time bomb".