Adopting a child in any state is not so easy. Prospective parents must meet criteria that will ensure the safe and happy development of the adopted child in a new family. At the same time, children from an orphanage are much more likely to be adopted in infancy (provided they are in relative health). Such high demands from both sides lead to the fact that many orphans remain to live in shelters and orphanages.

It should be noted that many children living in homosexual families are related to one of the spouses. Children stay with mom or dad after a failed previous relationship, or are born already in a homosexual union with the help of artificial insemination.

Thus, data from a study of same-sex couples and their children in Germany from 2008 show that about 48% of such children were born in a homosexual family, and 44% are children from a previous marriage. At the same time, 89% of homosexual couples in Germany live without children, but many of them seek to adopt a child.

The same researchers argue that the influence of parents on the child in such families is more positive than in heterosexual ones. Thus, homosexual parents are much less likely and reluctant to impose harsh sanctions on the child, and the atmosphere in such families is softer and more relaxed, which allows children to express themselves freely.

One gets the impression that it really does not matter if your family is heterosexual or homosexual. At the same time, work is being carried out with school teachers and educators in kindergartens in order to provide a child of a same-sex family with favorable learning conditions. And although the question “Is it good or bad to live with homosexuals” still remains open, every adult can answer for himself what is better - to remain an orphan, or to have homosexual foster parents.

Science or provocation?

One of the most controversial studies on this topic was conducted by sociologist Mark Regnerus in the United States. The search for answers was carried out for a year and a half, and in 2012 the results were published in Social Science Research. The scientist claims that the prospect of being a child of a homosexual couple looks unsafe. Under pressure from supporters of same-sex adoptions, the results and methods of the study were subjected to scrutiny. Evidence soon emerged suggesting that the Regnerus study was commissioned by the conservative Witherspoon Institute to manipulate public opinion.

The Regnerus study involved 3,000 adult children of homosexual couples. But only two of them were raised by same-sex parents for a significant period of their lives, both in lesbian families. The result showed that 25% of them had STDs, 40% were loyal to adultery, 24% were thinking about suicide. Fewer than 70% are aware of their heterosexual orientation. A third of people from gay and lesbian families are unemployed, and about 65% of them lived on state benefits in their parental families. The question of whether depression and suicide, sexually transmitted diseases and unemployment occur in children of heterosexual families remains rhetorical. All study data are open to independent analysis.

The issue of adoption of children by homosexual couples cannot be closed, not only because of the significant shortage of adoptive parents. Children in an orphanage may prefer to be adopted by a lesbian or gay couple than to be orphans. In many countries, when adopting, the opinion of the child is taken into account if he has already reached a certain “conscious” age. One way or another, taking into account the research of independent scientists and listening to progressive opinions, over time, society will learn to adequately respond to such questions.

Natalia Trohimets

Can children in same-sex families be happy? How do people around them treat them? Can a same-sex family raise a full-fledged child? Does parental sexual orientation affect children's preferences? "Paper" asked these questions to adults who grew up in "non-traditional" families: with two mothers, two fathers and the son of a "Swedish" family.

“They told me:“ I don’t have a single dad, but you have two! All in all, I was lucky.”

- What is your sexual orientation?- Traditional. I am loyal to sexual minorities, but for myself I do not consider other options, except for heterosexual relationships. - Please tell us about your parents.- They met by chance. We've been together for almost 20 years. - It turns out that you are a child from a previous relationship?- Yes. I don't talk to that parent. Wrong person, inadequate person. - Have you ever had the feeling that your mother is missing?- Do you miss the person who lives two blocks away or whom you have never seen in your life? So I don't get bored. This is a stranger and I don't know anything about her. - What did you call your second dad? That's what I call dad. Dad and dad. As a child, it was funny, I told everyone: “And I have two dads.” I had many acquaintances who lived in divorced families with one mother, and they said: “Well, here ... I don’t have a single dad, but you have two!” In general, I was lucky. In fact, this is very cool: I now find a common language with the guys very well, maybe better than most girls. I have no discomfort in communicating with the opposite sex. - Have you often met with a negative attitude towards your family?“People just don't always understand what's going on. Usually I say: “dad and stepfather”, and that suits everyone. It's not that people have a negative attitude towards same-sex families, it's just that they are so unfamiliar with it, so far from it, that it is sometimes difficult to explain. But you can explain. And then people understand if they are adequate. And I try not to communicate with inappropriate people. “I have always taken it for granted. Of course, at some point I thought that something was probably different ... But everyone lives in such different families: someone only with mom, someone only with dad, someone doesn’t understand at all. I don't think anyone will be surprised by anything. It surprises me on the contrary, when in traditional families people put some demands, ultimatums to each other. When people treat each other not as relatives and family, but as some kind of consumers who only pull from each other and give nothing in return. We don't have that. - How do you evaluate your childhood?- I think it was great. Very intense - all sorts of trips, trips in a big company. My dads always sewed suits for me, at school, in kindergarten ... I somehow danced the “snowflake”. My parents are generally very creative people, so since childhood, for example, I sang and played the violin. - I believe that not all people can bring up a normal person. And I think that this is basically not a topic for discussion. Then you can forbid ordinary people to have children - what if they can’t raise their child normally? This is the same nonsense. Of course, homosexuals are capable of raising a child if they are humanly adequate. I believe that a child should have a family in the first place. When my dads enrolled me in the first grade, two dads were entered in the “parents” column. They were told, they say, the most important thing is that there are two parents, and this is already cool and great.

“It happens that they joke about my young man something like:“ Is he not afraid of two mothers-in-law? ””

- What is your orientation?- I'm bisexual, but now in a heterosexual relationship. - To be honest, I do not remember how many years they have been together, but quite a long time. I am a child from a previous mother's relationship. I knew my father very well, but in recent years he did not keep much contact with us. - Did you have the feeling that you "miss" your father?- There was no lack of a father. Rather - the feeling that I miss one of my close people, relatives, because, unlike my younger sister, I remember him not from rare calls and meetings, but as a loving dad. - Do you remember the moment when you first realized that your family is different from others?- There was no such moment. The reason, perhaps, is that I have always seen that my family is different from others. When I was little, I saw a formidable bearded biker - my father, and my mother, who does not lag behind him in terms of the specificity of appearance, and attendants at the entrance, who always looked disapprovingly at our family. And then there was a second mother. And somehow it turned out that I was not surprised by this, and absolutely no one from my circle told me that it was bad. And they would say - did not believe. - Have you ever experienced uncomfortable situations with your family?- There was only one such situation when I was studying to be a designer, and in my group there was a girl who allowed herself rude and condemning statements about LGBT families and children in these families. The situation for her very quickly became uncomfortable, because we then talked, and I told her that she, in fact, spoke unflatteringly about me and my family. - Did you have a happy childhood?“My sister and I had a wonderful childhood. If only because everything was always resolved calmly: our parents never yelled at us, did not raise their hand. There are many vivid memories: when they put me on a motorcycle for the first time, how I went with my mothers to other cities and to the beach, just walks. - How do your parents feel about your orientation, your relationship with partners?- Wonderful. Of course, it happens that they make playful pretentious faces and say something about my young man like: “Is he not afraid of two mothers-in-law?”. - Quite. I live with a young man for a long time. We support each other and live the way normal, healthy couples usually live. - In your opinion, is a non-traditional family capable of raising a full-fledged child?- Yes. One should not think that if two women organized a family, then these are two vanilla-infantile persons. This is not true. And vice versa, if these are two men, then this is also something similar. These are quite a full-fledged couple with quite a full-fledged relationship and vision of the world. Therefore, I do not see any obstacles here.

“We don’t need stupid weddings or anything else that annoys society, but at least some kind of civil partnership”

- What is your orientation?- Hey. - Please tell us about your parents.- My mother was a skater. She was trained by the former champion of the USSR. At the same time, she studied to be an investigator. I met my father while studying. They had such a small company - the father and his friend - friends from childhood, young lieutenants. And then a delicate situation arose - they were so "not spilling water" that the question arose: whose girlfriend would she be? Here, as I understand it, they began to compete, but as a result they decided not to lose their friendship and asked my mother who she wants to stay with. And she answered: I cannot choose any of you. And then someone said, they say, maybe we will live as one friendly family? And everyone agreed. They met at the age of 22, I was born when they were 25. Naturally, they issued documents with the same father. Who am I from? I can’t say for sure - at that time no genetic research was carried out, and then it already lost all meaning. - Didn't the dads have homosexual relationships with each other?- Of course not. Or I just didn't know. We had an open family, but not to the same extent. What happens in their bedroom there is none of my business. - What did you call your parents? They were two dads, and that's what you called them?- Yes, I called them "daddy" and "daddy" and that's it. There were no questions in kindergarten or school. I told everyone that I have two dads, and as a rule, no one listens to a child. - Did you have a moment in childhood when you suddenly realized that your family is somehow different from others?- On the contrary, even. When my friends asked me: “Do you have two dads?”, I said: “Yes, I have two dads,” and they were just jealous. Then, when he began to grow up, sometimes the neighbors gossiped. - Were there any bright and unpleasant moments associated with a misunderstanding of others?- Well, once a classmate told me that my mother, roughly speaking, was a prostitute, and then I stuffed, excuse me, my peer in the face. Everything. There was nothing else special. - Did you have a happy childhood? What are your brightest and happiest family memories?- I had no problems at all until I began to live an independent life, for which, however, I was prepared by my parents. I have had a vibrant, full life. Night hikes, fishing trips, football. In winter - skiing. Taking into account the fact that both the fathers earned a lot, and the mother was in the service in Soviet times. We rested together, even went abroad. I didn't have any negative feelings. And when I felt bad, there were no such situations when I could not turn to one of the parents for a question or for advice. - Do you think that an unconventional family somehow influenced your orientation?- No, absolutely. I only came to the realization that I was gay around the age of 17-18. How satisfied are you with your personal life?- I feel clearly not thirty-six, but a maximum of twenty. I'm happy. I have everything that I want. We've been together for 14 years. We have a place to live, we have big plans. We do not experience financial problems, because we earn normally, we travel a lot. If, of course, not for this stupid situation in the country, we could use the services of a surrogate mother. We have money for this and we know that our relationship will be destroyed only if the world collapses. We have no doubts about our future, but in our country it is unrealistic for same-sex couples to have a child. What if a brick falls on me tomorrow or I have a heart attack, and my partner and I are legally nobody to each other. In our country, even an elementary partnership cannot be formalized. No need for stupid weddings or anything else that irritates society, but at least some kind of civil partnership. - In your opinion, is a non-traditional family capable of raising a full-fledged child?- Yes, exactly. If my dream of having a child comes true - but I feel that it will only come true when we go abroad - we can give everything to the child that we will have: both a good education and our love. Because I will educate him in the same spirit that my parents raised me, and teach him what they taught me - openness, trust and love.

In Germany, the adoption law does not yet apply to same-sex couples, despite the fact that they are raising about 7,000 children. Justice Minister Brigitte Cypris demanded equal rights for families and same-sex couples.

Unlike 11 other European countries, in Germany the law on the right to adopt for same-sex partnerships does not apply, although many children are brought up in "rainbow families". The fact is that since August 1, 2001 in Germany, homosexual couples have been able to officially register their relationship. However, same-sex unions are not called "marriages" or "families" in Germany. This is not because the Germans do not accept "rainbow families" - on the contrary, as polls show, about 70 percent of the country's population have a positive or neutral attitude towards them.

This approach reflects the legal side of the matter, since same-sex couples are not equal in rights with traditional families. This concerns the constitutional right to family protection, tax and benefits, receiving a pension for the loss of a spouse, a number of laws on public service, as well as other legal norms. But German Justice Minister Brigitte Zypries does not agree with this state of affairs:

“Children living with same-sex adoptive parents, although adopted by one of the partners, are in reality raised by two adults, whether they are two women or two men,” points out Brigitte Cypris. “Therefore, the legal framework for adoption needs to be improved.”

Gays and lesbians are looking for "loopholes"

In Germany, same-sex couples still have to live by the principle that laws exist for that, so that they can be circumvented. Gays and lesbians who raise children born in heterosexual families or with the help of artificial insemination abroad are placed in such conditions.

German women living in an officially registered same-sex "marriage" are not yet helped by doctors to give birth to a "test-tube" baby. At the same time, doctors refer to ethical standards, although the law does not prohibit this. Lesbians have found a "loophole": they travel to neighboring countries for artificial insemination, and give birth and raise children in Germany itself.

More rights for the child

"By advocating equality in matters of adoption, we, in fact, are seeking greater rights for the child, which he has in ordinary families, where the mother and father are equally responsible for his upbringing," Tsipris said. In a same-sex "marriage", according to the Minister of Justice, only the one who adopted the child, that is, one of the two partners, bears official responsibility so far. If something happens to him, for example, illness or death, then his “other half” has no right to participate in the future fate of the child, who can be transferred to an orphanage or another foster family for upbringing.

"This legal situation does not suit us. If one of the two is given the right to adopt a child, then why should this right be deprived of his partner? Especially since the child is brought up in an officially registered same-sex partnership. That's the discrepancy!" - explains the Minister of Justice.

The position of the Social Democrat Brigitte Cypris is shared by representatives of the Greens and Free Democrats. Members of the bloc of Christian parties CDU / CSU and the Catholic Church do not agree with them. The deputy head of the CDU parliamentary faction, Wolfgang Bosbach, criticized the statement of the Minister of Justice: "We are deeply convinced that children should be brought up in a family where there is a man and a woman."

Research results are 'rosy' like a gay flag

Meanwhile, studies conducted over the 10 years of the existence of the same-sex "marriage" law show that more and more children are being brought up in gay families. For example, experts at the State Institute for Family Research at the University of Bamberg estimate that at least 6,600 children live with same-sex foster parents, a third of whom are in formal partnerships.

According to the study, children in "rainbow families" develop no worse than in traditional ones. At the same time, according to experts, unlike their peers from "normal" families, they often receive not an authoritarian, but a more liberal upbringing. "Rainbow" children are less prone to depression, more calmly withstand the ridicule of peers due to the absence of a father or mother, and do not have problems with gender identity, - such is the conclusion of experts.

Accept reality as it is

Ideas about family life in Germany and other EU countries are changing. Today, in addition to the traditional, there are other models of partnerships - single-parent families, the so-called "patchwork" (patchwork families), in which each of the partners brought children from a previous marriage into the family, as well as same-sex partnerships with children. The Minister of Justice is confident that Germany should join the European agreements on the adoption of children by same-sex couples, which have already been signed by 11 EU countries.

Tsipris insists on the speedy equalization of the rights of same-sex marriages with heterosexual ones in terms of tax legislation. "We need to finally accept reality as it is," says Brigitte Cypris.

The Minister of Justice of the Federal Republic of Germany also notes that we are talking about children who are brought up by officially unregistered same-sex couples. According to Cypries, in total, from 10 to 20 thousand children live in "rainbow families" in Germany today.

Actual

Context

archive

Anniversary Parade of Sexual Minorities Held in Berlin

Berlin hosted the 30th anniversary parade of sexual minorities. About half a million homosexuals from all over Germany are celebrating and at the same time demonstrating for their rights. (28.06.2008)

Some say: a lesbian cannot give a child a standard heterosexual family "father - mother" and this will complicate the children's gender self-identification, the child will not be able to have a "normal" orientation, will be mentally traumatized. Others quite reasonably object: is it better with an alcoholic dad?

There are no normal families. Not only Douglas Copeland wrote about this in the book of the same name. They really do not exist, regardless of the sexual orientation of the parents and the composition of the family in general. The whole question, as psychiatrists say, is being far from the norm and understanding what this norm is.

Less than a month ago, Sir Elton John was denied the adoption of a 14-month-old Ukrainian boy, Lyova, who has AIDS. According to Ukrainian laws, only a married couple can become adoptive parents, and same-sex marriages in an unmarried couple, as, indeed, in Russia, are not recognized. “Therefore, for us, Elton John is a lonely citizen,” the media quoted the verdict of Pavlenko, the Ukrainian Minister for Family Affairs.

The situation is different with “single citizens”, to whom the law in no way forbids getting pregnant in various available ways and even adopting a child without being officially married (“Private Correspondent” has already written about the first attempt of two Moscow lesbians to legalize their marriage).

Many famous women, such as Masha Gessen, are quite successful in raising children in their homosexual families. But the stars are a little different. And how is it in ordinary lesbian families?

The questions of "Private Correspondent" were answered by two Moscow lesbian mothers who are raising a lovely two-year-old daughter, Yana. Her biological mother Katya, who is called “mamaka”, is 23 years old, the second mother, Anya aka “mama”, is 22 years old.

- How can a child appear in a family of two lesbians?
- Although there are no officially same-sex families in Russia, in fact they exist and there are many of them. Several hundred families with children communicate only on the Internet. There are very few gays among them, mostly we are talking about couples of two women.

There are three main ways they appear in lesbian families.

Some children remain after marriage or relationships with a man, but are already brought up in a new family.

If two girls are thinking about a child already living together, then, as a rule, they choose insemination with donor sperm, in a reproductive clinic or on their own.

To do this, they choose who will give birth and select a suitable man or use a sperm bank at the clinic.

The third way is adoption. In Russia, there is no adoption by same-sex couples, but nothing prevents one of the couple from adopting a child as a single mother, and raising a child together. While this method is not very popular, but there are examples. We are planning to adopt our second child.

- In psychology, it is generally accepted that a child, regardless of his gender, in childhood should have before his eyes the image of a woman and a man (it does not have to be a father, maybe an uncle and grandfather), looking at which the child learns the essence of the relationship and roles. What do you think of it? Does Yanka need an “image of a man” and is there one? Are there any courses/trainings for lesbian families where psychologists help solve the problems of raising children? Is there any value in these courses? Do you use the advice of psychologists?
- In general, there is no consensus among the community: someone thinks that it is safest to hide everything and not advertise your family composition, someone, like us, on the contrary, tries to be as open as possible. Different types of families need different advice, and making some universal courses is difficult. Nevertheless, there are attempts to create them, if I am not mistaken, in St. Petersburg.

We do not believe that the image of a man is obligatory, because the child sees the model of relations in the family anyway, but there will simply be men in the life of the child anyway: at school, in circles, among relatives, in families with friends, in books and movies. Nevertheless, we believe that it is extremely important for a child to know about the diversity of the world. And we try to communicate ourselves and we will be very happy to communicate with a daughter of a variety of people and families, including, of course, heterosexual. Our good friend has a husband and a son, the same age as Yana, we often meet. Plus, Yana has grandfathers.

- Do you have any problems with the clinic / kindergarten / nannies?
We didn't have any problems personally. If there is self-confidence and a willingness to kindly answer questions, then usually everyone is surprised and groaning for a while, but then they do not pay attention. Perhaps some of these people do not like something in our family, but as long as they do not voice their dissatisfaction, this is their right.

- Is it possible to legally formalize the "equality" of mothers in relation to the child? As I understand it, only one mother is recorded on the birth certificate, right?
- According to the laws of Russia, there is no equality yet, now legally a child can have only one mother. But recently a law has appeared that the parent himself can write an application in advance and choose a guardian for the child in case of his death or serious illness. This law is very convenient for same-sex couples, now they have a guarantee that if something bad happens to the biological mother, the child will remain with the second.

How are your responsibilities divided? One works, and the other sits with her daughter?
- Yes. When Yana grows up, she may go to kindergarten, then we will both work.

How are they perceived on the playground? Has it ever happened that parents inspire their children that it is bad to be gay or lesbian?
- To be honest, we have no idea how we are perceived on the site and whether they perceive us somehow at all. We have little contact with other parents there. Sometimes we walk in turns, sometimes all together. Yana calls both mothers, but I don't know if anyone noticed this.

Are there any other same-sex families with children among your friends?
We have very good friends, two girls and their two daughters. Unfortunately, they live in another city, and therefore we rarely see each other in person, we mostly communicate via the Internet. There are also many simply familiar families, also from various cities.

- How did your relatives perceive the appearance of the Yankees? Has something changed for the better?
- With relatives, everything is fine with us. No, it is, of course, better, but the way it is is also not bad. Parents have known everything about us for many years, they are not happy, but they understand that this is our life. When we first started dating, we were still teenagers and our parents thought that all this was stupid and would soon pass. Five years have passed since then, and they understand that everything is serious. Yana also helps, both grandmothers love her very much.

- When Yana grows up and asks why other children have one mother, and she has two, what will you tell her?
Let's show that families are different. Someone has only a mother, someone has a mother, father and stepfather, someone has a complete set of grandparents, someone has no grandmother, but has three brothers and sisters. And here we are.

Representatives of sexual minorities themselves usually insist that a tendency to an unusual sexual orientation is innate and it is almost impossible to force a person to be like everyone else, or, conversely, “not like that”.

Based on this, I don't think there is any reason to fear that we will one day fall into the era of the Amazons, when the role of a man will be reduced to the production of "material" for a sperm bank. And in a hundred years people will love. Some will love members of the opposite sex, others will love their own. But it still doesn't feel like the end of the world. It seems to me that humanity will destroy itself in completely different ways.

When I was preparing for the interview, I was in a somewhat wary mood. Still, I am an uncompromising heterosexual, and I have heard enough of psychiatrists. But, after talking with my mother Anya, I realized that their Yanka really grows up happy. And it’s hard to imagine how happy the child will be, whom Anya and Katya will soon take away from the orphanage and give him a good family.

I have an answer to the question of what kind of family is “acceptable” for a child. This is the family where everyone is happy! I know a family where mom and dad were completely indifferent to their daughter and her grandparents raised her perfectly. I know families where the stepfather became a native, and the father always remained a stranger. And many more different stories.

Because normal families do not exist. But they are happy.

Data taken from the site http://www.chaskor.ru