It is important to start with the setting point here. Facing death is generally unpleasant. Even with a stranger. Therefore, the friend-companion of the grieving person, as a rule, is himself frightened, confused and anxious. And most importantly, I am powerless to suggest and change anything. And powerlessness, anxiety and uncertainty often irritate people. Hence such reactions as: “stop crying”, “you just feel sorry for yourself”, “you can't help grief with tears”, etc. The other extreme: “I understand you,” “it's hard for all of us right now,” a high concentration of empathy and inclusiveness. It is also harmful, because the degree of immersion in someone else's grief should be very moderate, there really is little you can do.
What you need to know about grief and grief.
The death of a loved one is, first of all, a serious acute stress. And like any severe stress, it is accompanied by intense experiences of various kinds. There is anger, guilt, and depression. It seems to a person that he was left alone in this world with his pain. In my experience, mourning turns into depression mainly from two experiences: “I am all alone” and stopping the mourning. Therefore, a friend-comrade can help the grieving person in two ways: to make him feel his presence and to support the process of experiencing.
Brief principles of mourning.
Here I describe different views on the work of grief. But for everyday education, it is enough to know a few key principles:
... There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. In fact, there are no stages that follow each other. These are all convenient working models for specialists. But man is more than any model that describes him. So you should avoid advice on how to grieve properly and what to do, even if you've read about it. And even if you yourself have experienced grief, it is not a fact that your method will work for another.
... Grief can be accompanied by emotional swings. The most sensible begin to behave irrationally, and the lively ones in life can fall into a stupor. Try to be gentle with his feelings. Phrases like “you have changed so much”, “so some is not the same as before”, “you are completely unstuck”, will cause shame and guilt rather than bring relief. It is important for a person to know that what he is experiencing is normal. Well, you do not take it personally if these emotions suddenly fall on you.
... There is no clear time frame for grief work. According to various sources, on average, recovery after the loss of a loved one can take from a year (it is considered important to survive all key dates without him) to two years. But for some people with special needs for establishing close relationships, it may be much less or, on the contrary, longer.
A kind word and a true deed.
The most disturbing question for close (and not so) people is "what can I do for him / her?" And the most useful thing you can do is not interfere with him. Just accompany the person in what is happening to him. And here a few simple tricks will help.
Acceptance of the fact of death. Do not avoid the theme of death from the idea of "not disturb again", as well as avoid the word "death". Be direct and open about it. Expressions like “He left”, “God took him away”, “Time is over”, “His soul remained with us” encourage avoiding contact with the theme of death, which means they slow down the process of mourning.
Expressing your feelings. Don't fantasize about knowing how a bereaved person feels. Even if you have experienced yourself, remember that we are all different and experience differently. If you're sorry, you sympathize, just say, "I'm sorry you have to go through this." And if you are not sorry or you are worried, then it is better to keep silent. A person is especially sensitive during this period, and guilt for the fact that his condition worries you will definitely be harmful.
Direct messages. Don't know how to help but want to support? Say so. No need to strain your imagination. Just let me know: "Is there something I can help you with?", "If you need something, you can count on me." But don't say it out of politeness. It is better to honestly remain silent, if you are not ready to invest in a person, than to promise out of politeness or anxiety, and then look for ways to avoid what was promised.
Stick to your philosophy. We all rely in difficult times on different beliefs about the world order, both internal and external. You don't need to go to a person with your ideas. Even if both of you are of the same faith, it is the job of a priest, a spiritual mentor, to comfort you by faith.
How do you accompany a bereaved person?
1. Listen, not speak.
Psychotherapist Ron Kurtz said that a person has four passions: “know, change, intense, perfect”. They are especially exacerbated in a moment of anxiety and uncertainty.
Everyone thinks what to say to the grieving person so as to "cure" him of grief. And the secret is to ask and listen to him instead: about the deceased, about feelings, about meanings. Just let me know that you are there and ready to listen. In the process of listening, different reactions can be born, but there are several things to remember. simple rules:
... Accept and acknowledge the importance of all senses. It should be safe for a person to cry in front of you, get angry, laugh. If you have an idea of how to respond correctly to death, then make a little effort and hold it inside. Criticism, judgment, and guidance are not needed at all in the process of mourning.
... Exercise patience. Don't put pressure on the person. Just indicate your presence and your willingness to listen. And wait for him to decide to do it himself.
... Let me talk about the deceased. And as much as he needs. This may be too much for you. Find a way to take care of yourself without interrupting the narrator. If you want to both help and not strain, then this is fine, but it is unlikely to work. See the previous point - patience. Repeating the stories of the deceased is part of the process of grieving and accepting death. Speaking reduces pain.
... Consider the context. A safe environment and lack of rush is essential for a supportive presence. If you want to start a heart-to-heart conversation, assess the appropriateness of the setting and environment.
... Now about the usual speech stereotypes. There are popular “words of encouragement” that may sound nice but have no practical benefit.
... "I know your feelings." Yes, we can have our own experiences of loss and grief. And it is unique, even if it is similar. It is better to ask the grieving person about his experiences and listen to them.
... "God has his own plans for him", "He / she is now with God in paradise." If you are not the priest that the parishioner is visiting, you better hold on to religious ideas. Often, this only causes anger.
... "Think about those who are alive, they need you." Chopped off your finger? Think about the remaining nine. They need your care. A reasonable thought that does not in any way eliminate the pain of loss.
... "Stop crying, it's time to move on." Another useless tip. Grieving for the deceased happens because he was an important figure in a person's life. Therefore, one should not suggest giving up this importance. The sobs will go away on their own when the wound heals. Be patient.
... "You have to ...", "You have to ...". Stick to your instructions. As a rule, they promise nothing but a quarrel. Especially if a person is experiencing anger or apathy.
2. Offer practical help.
As you know, chatting is not about turning up bags. In the meantime, grieving people often feel ashamed of their strong feelings, reduced functionality, guilt for bothering people. This makes it difficult for them to ask for help. Therefore, be careful: if you notice that a friend has no food in the house for the second day, go and buy it. You know that the cemetery is far away, but there is no car - offer to take him, he closed and does not leave the house, find time to be with him. Simple household support will make you feel that he is not alone.
No need to torture a person, what exactly you can do, just show some ingenuity and initiative.
3. What awaits you in the long term?
The mourning process does not end with the funeral. Its duration depends on the characteristics of each. Be prepared for your friend / companion to go through grief for up to several years.
Don't forget to inquire about it. Be in touch, check it periodically, support, if not with deeds, then at least with a kind word. This is much more important than a one-time funeral support. In the beginning, a person may be shocked and not even feel grief and need for someone's care on this excitement.
Do not put pressure on the grieving person. “You are so strong”, “It's time to move on”, “Everything seems to be in order now”, try to avoid interpreting someone else's experience and hidden instructions.
Respect the value of the deceased in the person's current life. Be prepared for your friend to remember the deceased in different situations, fantasize about what he would advise or do. If this annoys you, find the strength to hold back the irritation. Of course, if the relationship with your friend is really dear and you respect him.
Remember memorable dates. They reopen the wound of loss, especially in the first year, when the grieving person goes through all the holidays and anniversaries without a loved one. On such days, support is especially needed.
4. When do you need specialist help?
The process of grieving is depression, confusion, a feeling of loss of connection with others, and in general "a little madness." And that's okay. But if all these symptoms do not subside over time, but rather intensify, then there is a possibility that normal grief turns into a complicated one. there is a risk of developing clinical depression. There is already little help from loved ones and even a psychologist - a psychiatrist's consultation is needed. This does not make a person crazy. It's just that with clinical depression, our brain begins to work a little differently, the balance is disturbed. chemical substances... The psychiatrist prescribes drugs for alignment, and the psychologist can work in parallel in the mainstream of conversational psychotherapy.
How can you recognize. that a person needs help? The main thing is to be attentive and make allowances for your own anxiety, because "fear has big eyes." As a rule, this is a combination of several symptoms that persist for more than 2 months:
... Difficulties in daily existence and self-service,
... Strong concentration on death theme,
... An extremely vivid experience of bitterness, anger and guilt,
... Self-care neglect
... Regular use of alcohol and drugs,
... Inability to get any pleasure from life,
... Hallucinations
... Insulation
... Constant feeling of hopelessness
... Conversations about death and suicide.
There is a sure way how to tell about your observations without frightening and intrusiveness. Just note that you are worried about the person, as you see that he has not slept or has not eaten for several days and may need help.
Well, hallucinations and attempted suicide are a sure sign that it's time to call an ambulance.
Features of support for children experiencing loss.
Even very young children can experience the pain of loss, but they still know how to deal with their feelings and learn from adults. And they need support, care and, most importantly, honesty. Therefore, you should not avoid the topic of death, lie about “dad left” or “the dog was sent to a good place". It takes a lot of support to make it clear that feeling about loss is okay.
Answer the child's questions honestly and openly: about death, about feelings, about a funeral. Try to keep your answers about death simple, specific, and meaningful. Children, especially young ones, can blame themselves for what happened, but the truth can understand them that they are not guilty.
It is important to remember that children have other ways to express their feelings: stories, games, drawings. You can delve into this process and then you will understand how they cope.
What can help a grieving child:
... Allow the child to participate in the funeral process if they don't mind.
... If your family has cultural and religious traditions, then share them in the question about death.
... Connect the maples in the family so the child sees different patterns of bereavement.
... Help your child find the symbolic place of the deceased in his life.
... Encourage children to participate in daily activities.
... Pay attention to how children's experiences manifest themselves in games, this good way communication with them.
What not to do:
... Do not make children "grieve rightly", they will find their own way.
... Do not lie to the children about "grandma fell asleep", do not talk nonsense.
... Don't tell your children that their tears can upset someone.
... Do not try to protect your child from bereavement. Children are not idiots, they perfectly read the feelings of their parents.
... Don't hide your tears from the child. This will signal that it's okay to express your feelings.
... Do not turn your child into a basket for all your worries and problems that arise - there are a psychologist, friends and therapy groups for this.
And of course, you need to remember that human life and the relationship is greater than any schemes and advice, and there is no correct scheme, there are only principles that can be adjusted taking into account cultural characteristics.
Psychological assistance in death.
When dealing with grief and bereavement, it is important for the counselor to have at least general idea about the cultural characteristics of the client's experience of this experience. Because different religions and cultures have different views on death, which has an additional impact on the client. But in this article, we will focus on the clinical options for looking at grief and understanding how to survive death. loved one.
“Mourning stages” are the most familiar terms for most psychologists. This model was developed by the American-Swiss psychoanalytic-oriented psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. According to this model, a person, having experienced a loss, goes through 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The concept itself is simple and easy to apply, like any clear model. At the same time, it also raises a number of questions. Does everyone go through these stages and in this sequence? Can we talk about the stage of depression as a clinical diagnosis (including neurologically)? Is there a time frame?
Since then, many years have passed, her model has been criticized, and other methods of assessment have been proposed. What other views on the grieving process are there at the moment?
Columbia University clinical psychologist George A. Bonanno Phd, for example, suggested that there are no stages, there is a natural process of recovery from a breakup. He takes the concept of "psychological flexibility" as a basis, arguing that the absence of overt grief is the norm, as opposed to the psychoanalytic model, which pathologizes such a process, positioning it as "interrupted work of grief."
An alternative approach to the stages of mourning is represented by the concept of phases based on attachment theory by Parkes, Bowlby, Sanders, and others. Parkes has identified 4 phases.
Phase I is a period of numbness that occurs immediately after a loss. This numbness, inherent in all survivors, allows you to ignore the fact of loss, even for a short time.
Further, the person goes into Phase II - longing. Longing for the loss and the impossibility of reunification. In the same phase, the denial of the permanence of the loss often occurs. Anger plays an important role in this phase.
In Phase III, the grieving person becomes disorganized and desperate and begins to experience difficulties in functioning in the familiar environment.
Finally, the client enters Phase IV, starting to reorganize their behavior, restructure their personality in order to return to their normal state and return to everyday life, and make plans for the future (Parkes, 1972, 2001, 2006).
Bowlby (1980), whose interest and work overlapped in part with Parkes' work, viewed grief as a transition from one phase to another in a circle, where each pass is felt more easily than the last. And just as with stages, a clear boundary between phases is very rare.
Sanders (1989, 1999) also uses the idea of phases to describe the process of mourning and distinguishes 5 of them: (1) shock, (2) awareness of loss, (3) conservation in denial, (4) healing, and (5) recovery.
In the work of a specialist, knowledge about the stages sometimes confuses the understanding of their work with the grieving person, which consists in a simple installation "to lead the client through the mourning stages." However, this task has one big problem - the stages and phases are conditional, the models are different and you first need to introduce the client's theory. And this is not always necessary and even possible. In addition, working with grief depends on the counselor's own ability to endure and respond to the experience of losing clients, otherwise there is a temptation to work on an intellectual level, when the client realizes that the loss has occurred, but emotionally cannot yet accept and experience it.
An alternative is to view the process of mourning as a natural biological mechanism for adapting to loss and recovering from the breakup of a close relationship, that is, attachment. Attachment theory was originally developed as an evolutionary behavioral theory. And grief is an integral attachment mechanism that is triggered when a loved one is lost. And, like any biological mechanism, it has tasks related to the Bowlby phase concept described above.
Objective I: Accept the reality of loss.
When a loved one dies or leaves, the primary concern is accepting that reunification is no longer possible. From the point of view of contact with reality, at death it is easier to do this. When parting is more difficult, because here it is, the object of affection. The primary object loss anxiety is associated with the natural biological activation of the search for the object of attachment. Often, parents who have lost children try to have another child as soon as possible; those who have lost a partner are more likely to find a mate, a dog - to have another animal faster. This substitution brings relief, but can interrupt the mourning process for years.
Another reaction is denial, which Geoffrey Gorer (1965) called "mummification." When a person keeps memory and lives as if a lost object of affection is about to appear. A variant of interrupting the grief can be a withdrawal into denial of the real significance of the object like “we were not that close”, “he was not that good for me as a father / husband, etc.”. Another defense against the reality of loss is fragmented repression. For example, when a child who has lost his father at a fairly conscious age of 12, turns out to be unable after a while to remember even his face. The funeral ritual is often aided in completing this task. In therapy, it can be a simple human "tell me about him / her", support of feelings (not reinforcement), exploration of the image of relationships. Everything that helps the therapist and client to come into contact with the lost figure in detail, to return to reality.
Objective 2: Recycling the pain of loss.
IN modern society there are different views on how to deal with the loss and with what intensity. Sometimes, not only the environment of the grieving person, but also the counselor may be confused by the low (subjective) level of intensity of emotional involvement in the grieving process, which sometimes leads to the wrong choice of tactics of “reaching out to feelings”, “releasing tears”. However, it is important to remember that the strength of the experience of losing an attachment depends on the style of attachment. For people with certain styles, loss may indeed be less traumatic than others. At the same time, the loss itself is a strong acute stress, which is accompanied, among other things, by painful physical experiences. When people experience emotional pain, the same areas of the brain are activated as when they feel physical pain: the anterior insula (the anterior insula) and the anterior cingulate cortex (the anterior cingulate cortex). It is clear that the people around it can be unbearable to come into contact with someone else's pain, which is why they try to cheer up the person in every possible way, to shame him “enough, you feel sorry for yourself, in fact”, “you need to disperse” and other useless but cleverly stopping grief advice. The normal human response is to try to stop the pain, distract yourself, go on a journey, immerse yourself in work at best. At worst, start using psychoactive drugs and alcohol.
John Bowlby (1980) said of this, “Sooner or later, the one who avoids the fullness of the grief experience breaks down and becomes depressed” (p. 158). Accompaniment in this task is assisted by the empathic presence and empathy of the consultant, again his ability to experience uncertainty and contain negative affects. You don't need to do anything special either if you are a specialist or if you are a loved one. Just sharing the pain with the one who goes through it.
Objective 3: Adapting to life without the departed or "How am I going to live without him / her?"
Since loss changes a person's idea of himself-in-a-relationship, in the process of experiencing grief, he is faced with the fact that he has to learn to experience himself in a different way and arrange his life. Uncomplicated grief is accompanied by changes on three levels: internal - the experience of the self (who am I now?), External (everyday life) and spiritual (the system of beliefs, values and beliefs)
External adaptation is the search for answers to a change in the situation, the setting of priorities, the direction of efforts: How to raise children? How to make a living? To pay the bills? Organize leisure time? Disorder of adaptation can be found here in an attempt to preserve the usual way of life. Reduced testing of changed reality.
Parkes (1972) places an important emphasis on how many levels are affected by loss: “Any loss very rarely literally means the loss of the one who left. So the loss of a husband also means the loss of a sexual partner, a companion responsible for finances, responsible for raising children, and so on, depending on the roles that the husband played. " (p. 7) Therefore, revising and redefining the roles played by the loved one is an important part of mourning therapy. Another part of the work falls on the search for new meanings in everyday activities.
Internal adjustment is work at the level of experiencing the self, the self-concept. It is important here to understand how death affects the definition of oneself, self-esteem and the vision of authorship of one's own life. Avoiding dyadic vision "What would my husband / wife say?" to that "What do I want?"
Spiritual adaptation. Loss as a result of death can change the habitual perception of the world, life values and beliefs that affect our relationships in ourselves, with neighbors, friends, colleagues. Janoff-Bulman (1992) highlighted three basic assumptions that are often crushed by the death of a loved one: that the world is a supportive place, that the world has meaning, and that he or she is worth something. However, not every death changes our basic beliefs. The expected death of an elderly person who has lived a dignified life is more likely to strengthen our expectations and emphasize our values, for example, "he lived a fulfilling life, so he died easily and without fear."
Objective IV: Find a way to start a new phase in life while maintaining an adequate connection with the deceased.
In the process of grieving, all the emotional energy of the grieving person is directed towards the object of loss. And at this stage, there is a balance between the experience about this object and attention to one's own life, restoring contact with one's interests. You can often find the attitude "it's time to forget about him / her and move on", which is rather bad advice... Because the deceased becomes an internal object, a part of the Self, which means forgetting about him, we abandon ourselves. The task of the consultant at this stage is not to forget about the relationship, go for devaluation or switch to other relationships, but to help the client find a suitable place for the deceased in their emotional life, a place in which the image of the deceased will be effectively included in everyday life.
Marris (1974) illustrates this idea as follows: “In the beginning, the widow could not separate her intentions and awareness from the figure of her husband, who played an important role in them. To feel alive, she maintained the illusion of a surviving relationship through symbolism and irrational beliefs. But over time, she began to reformulate her life in terms of accepting the fact that her husband was dead. She underwent a gradual transformation from talking to him “as if he was sitting in a chair next to him” to thinking about what he would do or say from the perspective of her own interests and the future of her children. Until, finally, she appropriated her own desires and ceased to need a husband's figure to manifest them. (pp. 37-38) "As we can see from the example, the most appropriate expression for this state may be" non-life in a relationship. " Life seems to have stopped at this point, and it seems to a person that he will never love anyone again. However, solving this problem leads to the realization that there are people in the world who can be loved, and this does not deprive the lost object of love, in turn.
Grief is the inner experience of loss, as well as the associated thoughts and feelings. Social Psychiatry Specialist Erich Lindemann devoted a whole work to this emotional state, calling it "acute grief."
The psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:
1. Physical suffering - constant sighing, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change of consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feeling of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one, evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest missteps;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire that they do not bother;
5. Loss of patterns of behavior - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for something to do and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the grieving traits of the deceased, especially the symptoms of his last illness or demeanor - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological response.
The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time, it has its own phase... Of course, the duration and sequence can vary.
1. Shock and numbness
"Can not be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic condition can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, physiological and behavioral disturbances. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the shock and denial that followed sometimes take on paradoxical forms that make others question the person's mental health. This does not mean insanity, it is just that the human psyche is not able to withstand the blow and for some time seeks to fence itself off from the terrible reality, creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can search for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, "hear" his steps, put an extra cutlery on the table ... The things and room of the deceased can be kept intact in case of "return."
How and how can you help a person in the shock phase?
Talking and comforting him is completely useless. He still does not hear you, and to all attempts to comfort him he will only say that he feels good. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be there, not for a second leaving the person alone, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss an acute reactive state. At the same time, it is not necessary to talk to him, you can just be silently close.
Sometimes tactile contacts are enough to bring a person out of a severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you managed to induce tears, then the person moves into the next phase.
It is necessary to evoke any strong feelings in a person - they are able to bring him out of shock. It is obvious that it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.
2. Anger and resentment
They can last from a few days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more sharply. The one who is experiencing grief again and again in his mind replays the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with the loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for this, asking himself a lot of different "why": "Why exactly he?", "Why (for what) such misfortune fell on us?", "Why didn't he keep him at home?", " Why didn't you insist to go to the hospital? ”... Anger and accusations can be directed at fate, God, at people. The reaction of anger can be directed at the deceased himself: for having left and became the cause of suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including material ones; for having made a mistake and could not avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It's just a reaction to your own helplessness in this situation.
3. The stage of guilt and obsession
A person suffering from remorse that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death can convince himself that if only there was an opportunity to turn back time and return everything back, he would certainly behave in a to another. At the same time, in the imagination, it can be played repeatedly, as if everything were then. Those experiencing loss often torture themselves with numerous “ifs”, sometimes acquiring an obsessive character: “If I only knew ...”, “If I only stayed ...” This is also quite a common reaction to the loss. It can be said that acceptance fights denial here. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilty before the deceased for not preventing his departure; for not doing something for the deceased: he did not care enough, appreciate, help, did not speak about his love, did not ask for forgiveness, etc.
4. Stage of suffering and depression
Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. The fact that suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage, suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in the heart of a person and causes severe torment, felt even at the physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but, as a rule, comes in waves. Tears can come at any memory of the deceased, of the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Feelings of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity can also cause tears. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying, suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Despite the fact that suffering sometimes becomes unbearable, grieving people can cling to it (usually unconsciously), as an opportunity in this way to maintain contact with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget is to betray.
How can you alleviate the suffering of the grieving person?
If in the course of the first phase one should constantly be with the grieving person, then here it is possible and necessary to allow the person to be alone if he wants to. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.
If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to comfort him. What is consolation? This is an attempt to prevent him from crying. We have an unconditioned reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide an opportunity for the strongest emotional release.
You can unobtrusively involve a person in socially useful activities: bewilder with work, start loading with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from basic experiences.
And, of course, a person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him like to an ordinary person without giving him any favors.
5. Stage of adoption and reorganization
It can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how hard and long-lasting grief, in the end a person usually comes to an emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection of times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived for the most part in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he is gradually returning the ability to live fully in the surrounding reality and look to the future with hope. A person restores social ties that have been lost for a while and starts new ones. Interest in significant activities is returning, new points of application of one's strength and abilities are opening up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person acquires the ability to plan his own future destiny without him. Thus, there is a reorganization of life.
Basic help at this stage is to facilitate this appeal to the future, to help make all kinds of plans.
How the process of experiencing the loss will proceed, how intense and prolonged the grief will be, depends on many factors.
The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most essential determinants of the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complicated, confusing, more conflicted the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a result, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental anguish.
Circumstances of death. A stronger blow is usually struck by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and / or violent death.
The age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. Conversely, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.
Experience of losses. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how the person coped with it in the past.
Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, manifests itself in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to the loss depends on this. As writes J. Rainwater, “The main thing that prolongs the grief, - inherent in humans a very tenacious illusion of guaranteed reliability of existence ”.
Social connections. The presence of people nearby, ready to support and share grief, greatly facilitates the experience of loss.
Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what you should not speak in communication with grieving people:
Untimely statements that do not take into account the current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: "Well, you are still young, and", "Don't cry - she / he wouldn't like it," etc.
Projecting statements that transfer their own ideas, feelings or desires to another person. Among the various kinds of projections, two stand out especially:
a) projection of your experience, for example, in the words: "Your feelings are so clear to me." In fact, any loss is individual, and it is not given to anyone to fully cognize the suffering and severity of the loss of the Other.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: "You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end with mourning" - they simply express their own needs.
In addition, one should separately highlight the most frequently used cliches, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing the grief: “You should have already dealt with this”, “You need to occupy yourself with something”, "Time heals all wounds", "Be strong", "You should not give vent to tears." All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.
How to survive the death of a loved one?
How to survive the death of a loved one?
A person died or died after a long illness - almost always for us it is, in a sense, a sudden death. This is a crisis.
But a crisis is not a disaster. This is the suffering we have to go through in order to grow.
A husband or father died, a wife or mother died, a girl died, a son died, a child died - none of these situations should cause depression or illness. Our loved one who has left wants us to maintain courage and strength. And only by preserving ourselves, we will be able to help the deceased.
When a person experiences the death of a loved one, it is only natural that he suffers. Suffering for many reasons. This is also grief for that person, loved, close, dear, with whom he parted. It happens that self-pity strangles the one who has lost support in a person who has died, has passed away. This may be a feeling of guilt due to the fact that a person cannot give him what he would like to give or owe him, because he did not consider it necessary in his time to do good and love. Problems arise when we do not let go of a person ...
Archimandrite Augustine (Pidanov).Many grieving people are familiar with the desire to connect with the soul of a deceased loved one, some are waiting for this communication in a dream. About the nature of prophetic dreams, about whether to cross the border underworld, and what you need to know at the same time, as well as many other things, the rector of the Patriarchal Compound, the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semyonovskaya Archimandrite Augustine (Pidanov) is thinking
Archpriest Igor Gagarin.There is a commandment "Do not create an idol for yourself." An idol for a person is any value if it is put higher than God. And these values can be anything - a husband, a child, a job. That is, if a person has a hierarchy of values, God should be above all in it, and then everything else. And then death can be experienced. Then you will not lose anyone, because everything is preserved in God. All our relatives, loved ones, they are lost for the unbeliever, they lie in the grave and that's it. And for the believer, they are with God.
Often, after the death of a loved one, people almost cease to be interested in everyday events, mentally plunge into the past and live only with memories. We bring to your attention a new conversation by crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky on the most important topic about what to do in order not to drown in the pit of sorrow and stop living in the past. It is difficult to overestimate the importance and relevance of this material.
Gnezdilov Andrey Vladimirovich, Doctor of Medical Sciences.The death of a loved one always comes suddenly, even if you are waiting for it and preparing for it. The mountain is too wide to get around, too high to jump over, and too deep to crawl under; one can only pass through the mountain, says folk wisdom. But how to do that? What do you need to know to cope with it?
Furaeva Svetlana Sergeevna, psychologist. Shefov Sergey Alexandrovich, psychologist.Surviving the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult trials encountered in a person's life. The realization that a person has died and cannot be brought back to life causes a reaction of grief. When rendering psychological assistance Bereaved people are helped by knowing the patterns of grief. On the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, complex process. On the other hand, there are relatively universal stages that it goes through in its course.
Furaeva Svetlana Sergeevna, psychologist.If you have turned to this article, it means that you or your loved ones have a misfortune in the family - the death of a loved one. If a child, spouse, parent, relative, a girl or a friend died, this is always a great grief. The death of a loved one is always a sudden death, even if a person has been seriously ill for a long time. It is impossible to psychologically prepare yourself for this event. Our mind asks questions: "What next?", "How can I be without him (her)?" In this article I will try to tell you about the tasks, having solved which, you can get answers to such questions.
Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich, crisis psychologist.In difficult periods of life, almost all people suffer from the invasion of obsessive thoughts. These terrible, disgusting, sticky thoughts cling with special force to a person who is experiencing the death of a loved one. So what are they?
Baranchikov Alexander Vladimirovich, psychotherapist.An interview with a psychotherapist about medications that will support a person in grief and help to survive the death of a loved one. And also about the dangers of inept self-medication.
Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich, crisis psychologist.Those who do not believe in the One God and eternal life grief is usually very difficult. Truly religious people experience grief many times easier.
From The Morning After The Loss by Bob Dates.When a person is killed, grief is the nuclear energy of our emotions. If it is understood, curbed and directed, it will become a creative force, help to survive death. But if grief gets out of control, if it is distorted and not understood, it can become a destructive force. Therefore, it is so important to recognize when grief is a healthy process and when it is distorted. If you have a cold and sneeze, you know how to take care of yourself, you don't need a doctor. But if you catch a cold and develop pneumonia, it is foolish to refuse the help of a professional. The same is true of grief.
Bishop Hermogenes (Dobronravin).Consider the reasons that make us shed tears over the ashes of our loved ones, and God will help us find this source for ourselves. So, what are we crying about when we are separated from a dear heart?
