"Love" is a very interesting word. We say it quite often. "I love chocolate". "I don't like oatmeal." "I love Sasha". "I love mother". "I do not like rain". But if we are asked what “love”, “love” is, we are unlikely to be able to give a quick and clear answer. And for sure different people will give different answers. Perhaps you have never thought about this topic. “What is there to think? Don't I know what love is?

On the one hand, you are right. Love is inherent in all of us, love is a natural state of man. On the other hand, the average modern man has gone so far from his natural state that there is little love left in him. And the word " love" has survived in the language. That's what they call any attachment.

However, this problem is not only modern man. Delusions have always existed. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? In ancient times, this story was composed, but even then the author called the relationship of the characters love. But was there really love in Romeo and Juliet's relationship?

Alas, art has the ability to convincingly present lies as truth. Trusting the beauty of art, we involuntarily trust the thoughts of the author. And the author does not have to be a sage and a know-it-all. For us to remember him centuries later, he must be a brilliant artist, nothing more. How many artists of all times and peoples are misleading us, poetizing their delusions of youth!

The geniuses of ancient times are echoed by the modern "pop" of all genres, which will be forgotten faster than dirty puddles dry up in sunny weather. But we trust this foam too. And how not to believe if everyone sings the same thing?

Let's dispel this romantic fog and talk about love soberly and seriously.

What is love

Love belongs to the sphere of non-material, to the spiritual area of ​​our life. And the spiritual is cognizable by us only in part. No one can say that he knows everything about love. But, nevertheless, many properties of love are known, some patterns of its strengthening and disappearance. And the knowledge of these individual qualities of love is of great value for that person who wants to love and be loved.

What love is not

Let us begin by considering those qualities or definitions that are unfairly attributed to love.

"Love is just side effect sex drive."

This delusion does not deserve even detailed consideration. Its fallacy is already obvious from the fact that there is love between parents and children, love between friends, and people with an undeveloped or extinct sexual sphere are also capable of loving. Love can be directed to objects with which sexual interaction is impossible. Condolences to those who think so.

"Love is a feeling."

Certain feelings are just one of the qualities of love. It is more correct to say that love is a state.

When a person is in a state of love, he is in this state entirely, and his whole life changes. He has more love for all people. He awakens new talents or flourishes previously discovered. He has more vitality.

If there are only feelings, but not all these changes, this is not love.

"Love is passion." "Love is torture." "Love is pain". "Love is a disease."

This is the most common mistake, so let's take a closer look at it.

The root of this mistake is in our childhood. Unfortunately, almost all of us are unloved children. Very few can boast that their parental family was perfect. That mom and dad were each other's first and last. That they were always together and truly loved each other and us children, giving us the necessary fullness of their time and their love.

And if we have received at least a little less, then, without realizing it ourselves, we are trying to compensate for this in love relationships. That is, to compensate with the love of other people for us the love that was not received from our parents. If in love a person strives more to give, think and take care of the happiness of a loved one, then in passion a person engages in vampirism. In passion, we tensely control how they treat us, whether they give everything to us, whether they let someone else into our hearts. Passion is characterized by jealousy, imaginary sacrifice (or salvation), when we are ready to do a lot for a person, but in exchange we demand his soul, completely depriving him of his freedom. Passion is selfishness, and selfishness is the opposite of love.

And who likes that they deprive him of his freedom, jealous, demanding, pulling all the juices?

Therefore, passion relationships are always painful. Where there is passion, there is torment, and pain, and illness.

The saddest thing is that all the love hopes of a passionate person are doomed from the start. With the help of other people, parental love cannot be repaid. Everything falls through like a leaky vessel. You need to close the gap first...

Great dislike in childhood leads to intense passion, which psychologists call addiction. The expression of this passion can be not only love addiction, but also drug, alcohol, gaming, etc. These are diseases. And, unfortunately, very common. There are far more dependent people than people who truly love. Therefore, the voice of addicts is louder. Their untruth about love is more widespread than the truth of those who know how to love.

Romeo and Juliet also suffered from love addiction. This can be judged already by their gloomy end. Love does not hurt or kill. Love is a creative state. The lover is already happy that there is a loved one, that he is alive and well, that there is love. And addiction requires possession. Addiction torments and often leads a person to thoughts of suicide. However, Shakespeare's work speaks enough about the dislike of these unfortunate young people by the parents. Therefore, the whole picture of the disease is obvious - from the beginning to the end.

"Everyone can love."

Rain falls on everyone from time to time, but water is retained only in the whole vessel. From the leaky one, it quickly flows out. Therefore, only spiritually holistic, adult people are capable of loving. To gain the ability to love, you need to grow up, conquer your addictions and passions.

"There is love at first sight."

There is love at first sight. But the path from falling in love to love is long and difficult. According to psychologists, true love comes on average 15 years after the start of family life.

"Sex does not interfere with love, but rather helps."

People are constantly looking for excuses for their weaknesses. “The fact that I often eat sweets has nothing to do with the fact that I have an extra 15 kg of weight. I'm just not lucky with the figure. “The fact that I allowed intimate relationships with men has nothing to do with the fact that I still cannot create a normal family. I'm just unlucky in my personal life."

Actually, it's connected. The fact that for several millennia of human history women who lost their virginity were not married was not some kind of taboo taken from the ceiling. People knew for sure that family life with such a woman would differ in quality from life with the one who was married to a virgin. With her, such love will not work, such a family will not work.

There are psychological explanations for this phenomenon. They say that a woman will remember previous men. They say that, having shown weakness before marriage, she can show it in marriage, that is, change.

But there is also something on a spiritual level. Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is not a purely physiological process. It somehow affects spiritual structures, forming invisible bonds between people.

Many women remember that their first man was very important in their life. If it was a relationship of love, and virginity was lost, then parting was experienced by them very hard. If there was no sexual intercourse, the separation was much easier. This means that intimacy formed an invisible but strong bond between them.

It's great if this strong connection is with the person with whom you want to live your whole life - with your husband. And if not? With the second man, the connection is already weaker, with the third - even weaker. What kind of connection do you have with your husband? 3rd or 10th?

If Bulgakov's words about sturgeon are true, that it is only of the first grade and no one else, then about love relationships - even more so. And our ancestors agreed only on the first grade. And we, imagining ourselves as gourmets and subtle connoisseurs of various benefits and conveniences that civilization gives us, in the most important thing, often eat just garbage.

Of course, all of the above applies to men as well. Indeed, at the second end of the invisible thread emanating from the woman is a man. Therefore, a man is no less responsible for maintaining his purity than a woman.

What happens? The husband is connected with several women by connections of past intimate relationships. These women are still connected with someone. The wife is also connected with several men. And they are not the last in the chain. It turns out that we do not have families, but some kind of perverted super-Swedish families. In them, we are invisibly united with people, some of whom we might not even shake hands with ...

There are no scientific explanations for this phenomenon. But the fact remains, and everyone can see its confirmation in their lives: with each new intimate relationship, we waste something in our souls, and it is more and more difficult for us to love. Each new crush (accompanied by sex outside of marriage) is inferior to the first love. At the same time, passions may increase, but passion will not replace love for us ...

The path to love is not through sex, but through friendship. The reason that people are in a hurry to get closer physiologically, psychologists call their inability to get closer spiritually. People, especially young people, have not learned to communicate, to talk. They know how to get close only in the most primitive way. But, alas, sex without communication, without friendship, is not much different from masturbation ...

I understand that most of you reading this article are no longer virgins. Don't be discouraged! Fortunately, spiritual injuries are treatable—by spiritual means. Although, like bodily treatment, such treatment requires time and labor. The integrity of the soul can be restored, invisible bonds can be broken.

The path to healing is repentance. It is necessary to stop repeating old mistakes and repent. The amount of labor is proportional to the amount committed crimes against your soul. I don't know if complete healing is possible without such sacraments. Orthodox Church like confession and communion. With them, it's definitely possible.

What love really is

"The lover seeks to give, not to receive."

If a passionate, dependent person has nothing but a hole in his spiritual body, and therefore is a consumer, then the lover has in himself a source of warmth and light. And he who has a source of light in himself cannot but shine.

sacrifice loving person, in contrast to the false, selfish sacrifice of the addict, is sincere. The lover does not count what he has given, and does not bill the beloved. It is important for him that his beloved be happy in the highest sense of the word. His joy is to please his beloved.

"Love does not limit freedom."

Being independent, self-sufficient (he does not need anything from his beloved), the lover is free himself and does not seek to limit the freedom of his beloved. His sun is with him in any case, therefore, no matter what the beloved does, his “sun” remains with the lover.

Of course, a lover seeks to be with his beloved, but not to such an extent as to violate the freedom of a loved one.

"Love is the pinnacle of virtue."

Love is the highest of the good qualities of a person. Perfect love includes all virtues. If even one vice has been preserved in a person, his love can no longer be perfect.

Here is how the apostle Paul enumerates the good properties of love: “Love is long-suffering, kind, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, does not pride itself, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:4-8).

Why is love incompatible with evil? Because if there is something evil, this evil will manifest itself in relationships with those whom we seek to love. Suppose a husband loves his wife. But not free from such vice as envy. And it will happen that his wife will achieve great success in the professional field. And in some social circle she will be given more respect than her husband. Because of his envy, the husband will resent his wife, hold a grudge. His love will suffer damage because it is imperfect.

If there are several vices? Love is doomed...

And imagine the person whom the apostle Paul describes. He is patient, merciful, not envious, not selfish, not selfish, always calm, does not suspect others of something bad, does not gloat, covers up the mistakes of others with silence or a kind word, trusts others and hopes for them, endures all difficulties. Agree, you can live with such a person. And as with a friend, and as with a spouse, and as with a father or mother. With such a person it is good, his love is reliable. It is impossible to quarrel with him! And it is easy for us to love him - with friendly, conjugal or filial love.

"Love is a gift from God."

Our understanding of love will be flawed if we limit ourselves to the idea that love is within us, and do not think about where it comes from to us, where it even came from. After all, the data modern science refute the possibility of spontaneous generation of a living cell from nothing. They also refute the possibility of the appearance of a person by an evolutionary path uncontrolled from the outside (the universe does not yet exist for as long as it would take for this, according to the theory of probability). And even more so, there is no reason to believe that such a miracle as love appeared by itself, as a result of accidents at the micro or macro biological level.

The only theory of the origin of love known to mankind is that love is given to us by God. By His love and infinite creative power, we were created by Him. Out of love for us, in order to save us, He sent His Son to us to preach and heal our sins of suffering. Those properties of love that we know, and which we have listed above, fully correspond to the properties of God. God loves us selflessly. He wants nothing from us, except that we be happy. He does not depend on us. He shines on all of us, both evil and good, giving us all the blessings of the earth. He is merciful and easily forgives us. He gave us a complete, even terrible degree of freedom.

And love for another person He gives us. What is love? Perhaps this is a look at another person through the eyes of God. God, under external dirt and tinsel, sees in us an immortal, beautiful soul. He sees not only how badly we live, but also how beautiful we are in separate moments of life and could always be. Mutual love is when God opens two people's eyes to each other. He, as it were, puts us on his knees opposite each other, hugs us and says: “Look, children, this is what you really are!”

It is no coincidence that in mutual love a person who loves us helps to reveal our talents and good qualities: after all, he sees all the good that is in us, almost as clearly as God Himself.

And holy people love everyone. This means that, being in God, they see through the eyes of God of all people. And that's why they love us so much that it's strange even to us how it is possible to love us like that. After all, it would seem that we ourselves know what we are. And for some reason, God values ​​the soul of each person more than the whole universe!

"Love is almost always mutual."

Since love is given by a God who wants us to be happy, it is not surprising that true love is almost always reciprocated. In rare cases, non-reciprocal love can be given to a person to solve important creative problems, to comprehend some truths.

In most cases of "unrequited love" we are dealing not with love, but with passions.

Does love depend on us

I have singled out this question because it is the most practical of all questions related to love.

If we accept the truth that love is the pinnacle of virtues, we will have to abandon the myth that love is like good weather, it comes and goes on its own, regardless of our desire. This myth is invented in order to relieve oneself of responsibility for the murder of love. After all, we are able to recover from vices and acquire virtues. If we don't, we kill love. Love cannot stand our evil. Annoyed by our passions, we jump off the knees of God (after all, He gave us complete freedom, He does not keep us by force from Himself) and stop seeing each other through His eyes. And after close communication, we now see each other's shortcomings much more clearly! ..

What are we focusing on in our lives at the moment when we fall in love? On a career, on pleasures, on making money, on creativity, on some kind of success, on fluttering in the networks of some kind of addiction.

This means that we are almost never worthy of the love that we receive for free. After all, everything we are concerned about does not lead us to the virtues, and therefore does not bring us closer to love.

I am deeply amazed when I think about the faith of God in us, His patience and love, which prompts Him to give us a spark of His love again and again. After all, He knows how we will dispose of this love in most cases.

How should we, in theory, treat this gift of love, which "accidentally appeared"? Realizing that love is the most beautiful and valuable thing in our life, we should immediately reconsider the priorities of our activities. When a child is born, much in the life of parents is pushed aside, giving way to caring for him. Likewise with love. When love came, it's time to realize that love came when we were completely unprepared for it! Because we have few virtues, which means that we do not know how to love. It's like the lack of food for the child from the parents. Of course, we will put in the first place work on ourselves, caring for love. Otherwise, this child will die of starvation. Otherwise this love will die.

This is what we should do if we understand anything in this life.

How do we really do it? In most cases, for us, falling in love is just an opportunity to get another pleasure, the pleasure of sex with a person who is especially pleasant to us. Instead of cultivating virtues in oneself, one gets an increase in the vice of fornication. This is the same as taking a newborn child by the legs - and head against a stone. What care is there for his food, what are you talking about! ..

How God believes in us, how He endures this and still gives us sparks of love!

Or maybe he doesn’t give it to many, knowing what they will do? Maybe that's why many people say that there is no love, or they only know passion, that the sparks of love never reached them?

Even if you belong to these last ones, all is not lost for you. Let's start learning to love now, overcoming our vices, and God will give us His spark. And if we intensify our work when falling in love comes, then we will keep it and in time we will know the depth of true love.

How to work on yourself?

You need to overcome bad habits and do good deeds. Good deeds - only really good ones - are necessary to bring us closer to love. Because a person usually does good out of love. And if we, not yet having love in ourselves, are already trying to do good, love gradually grows in us.

But what if you are already married and are afraid of losing the love that you have?

If you are afraid of losing, then you will find the courage to work. Family life is in itself a school of love. She constantly, several times a day, puts us before the question: “Who will I obey, my love or my vices?” This question arises when the wife asks (or does not ask) to take out the trash can when we are lying on the couch. This question arises when the husband came home late from work. This question always arises when our selfishness tries to get the better of our love. Always say to yourself, "I choose love." As one confessed in his essay a famous person, he, after many trials of family life, made it a rule never to allow himself to say even mentally about his wife: "I do not love." This is a wonderful recipe. It just means that a person always chooses love between passions and love. He made this a rule for himself, because he knows that he wants to keep this love for life. It takes effort and patience. But love rewards all efforts with a vengeance!

Overcoming love addiction

To the question of how to overcome the tendency to love addiction, I will answer with a figurative example.

Imagine two countries - Russia and Belarus. Russia has oil fields, Belarus does not. Therefore, Belarus is dependent on oil supplies from Russia. This is an unpleasant state for Belarus, which leads to conflicts between the two countries.

How can Belarus get out of this dependence?

Whatever values ​​Belarus offers Russia for oil, dependence will still remain. And if, instead of Russia, Belarus buys oil in another country, it will again be a dependence. Therefore, there is only one way out of dependence - to look for and discover oil deposits on its territory and start extracting it. If Belarus produces a lot of oil, then Belarus will not only cease to be dependent on oil-producing countries, but will itself become a country on which others will depend.

The same is true for people. In order to stop depending on the warmth, love of people, you need to start generating this warmth, this love in yourself and sharing it with people.

Another example is from astronomy. There are stars - hot celestial bodies that emit light. And there are black holes - super-dense cosmic bodies, which, due to their monstrous gravity, do not release anything from themselves, not even light, they only attract and absorb. In this example, the addict is like a black hole, and the stars are kind, generous people.

This means that a person ceases to be dependent if he begins to shine on other people and warm them with his warmth.

What is oil in the first example and light in the second? The “resource” that all people need so much is love. This is the scarcest and most expensive resource in our time. No matter what anyone says about the value of money, fame, power, pleasure, without love, all these things are not encouraging. And the one who has love is happy, even if he has nothing else.

Therefore, when we, overcoming our addiction, learn to shine on people, we need to carefully look so that our love is exactly true selfless love. And not by mercenary trade - I do or give you something material, and in return I expect gratitude or love. This is what dependent women do in marriage, and then they are surprised: “How is it, I gave everything to him, lived for him, and he left, ungrateful!” No, you didn't give him everything. You gave him only time and labor. It's great if it's done out of love. And you gave him your time in an unconscious calculation of his love. That is, at the level of love, you were a vampire, tormenting him with expressed and silent expectations. And it is not surprising that he could not endlessly be a donor (although outwardly he could seem like a lazy person giving nothing).

Therefore, let us learn true love, true selfless luminosity. Remember, as in Mayakovsky: “Shine always, shine everywhere, until the last days of the bottom, shine and no nails! Here is my slogan and the sun!”

The question may arise - where can Belarus get oil if it simply does not exist on the land of Belarus?

This is where love differs from oil. If there is oil, it is there until you use it up. And love comes when you give it. And the more you use it, the more it is in your reservoirs. By striving for true love, by doing genuine good deeds, you will see how your heart is filled with love.

Love does not come from nowhere, just as life does not come from nothing. Love has a Source - like an inexhaustible reservoir of oil, like an endless ocean of light, in which there are more stars than molecules in the ocean.

This Source is so rich and so generous that it gives us love without demanding anything for Itself and only rejoices because it fills us with love.

The time will come - and if you follow the path of love and want your love to be perfect, you will discover this Source for yourself, then you will see that you have found more than you were looking for ...

Overcoming our addiction, we learn to shine ourselves on the unfortunate who need our love. Giving to people is no less rewarding than receiving from them. This is the true independence, joy and value of life.

Your feedback Dmitry Gennadievich, I read your article, it was very informative and super cool for me! Please give me an answer to one question. She says that she loves me very much, but she is used to being alone and will always love the 3rd 10th, well, don’t waste your time on me, you need a family, and I can’t give you this, how can I understand her? Thank you. with Uv. Rapper (Joe Frey) Dima (Joe Frey), age: 03/27/11/2019 Thank you - for the sun-pierced, bright, unclouded View of the World - for the most sincere Prayer - Prayer own existence! olga , age: 49 / 09/09/2018 Thank you) I found the article by accident and was surprised, because my mother said the same words to me. You just confirmed my thoughts and my mother's advice, for which I express my gratitude. Unfortunately, not a virgin, age: 17/21.03.2018 Thank you, you wrote what was somewhere in the depths of me Tanyusha, age: 01/31/2018 Thank you very much, I liked the article very much, I agree with everything, it is interesting how the romantic and intimate side of true love between M. and J. looks like, maybe there is an article. Katerina, age: 24/02.11.2017 Thank you for the article. Lyudmila, age: 37 / 12/19/2016 Very often people try to explain things that they simply can’t explain. Just as you can’t hear radio waves with your ear or see infrared radiation with your eyes, so a carnal person doesn’t understand spiritual things. God when we come to Him. God in Christ pours into us and with Him we receive everything that He is, including including love, because God is love! Without God, we remain evil, no matter how hard we try to change ourselves! Vladimir, age: 68 / 04.12.2016 Interesting article. One of the most capacious and at the same time widely answering such a question as "What is love?" Thanks to the author, very cool, a lot of useful information in the article. My only opinion is that you need to give and radiate love correctly, and serve people in the same way. Otherwise, there will be people who, to put it mildly, will begin to abuse your love, to vampire. And the same husband can build a career receiving energy from his wife. And then leave, finding a fresh source of energy. It is very important to understand the kind of people you surround yourself with. And just like all cosmic bodies, so do people influence each other. Therefore, you need to consider what influence the people around you have on you. Respect and gratitude from a pure heart is the most important thing in communication. And most importantly, be honest with yourself. Love and thanks to all!!! Tatyana, age: 35 / 09/23/2016 Sashenka, age: 36 / 08/06/2016 Thanks for the great article. As one friend said, "The thinner and higher the matter, the more difficult it is to describe it in words." V Lately I often think about the essence of love, and this article is very in tune with my thoughts. The idea is expressed precisely and clearly, although the theme is complex and subtle. Once again I come to the conclusion that if I want to be involved in the miracle of love, I must work on my soul, on my vices and passions. Anna, age: 31/20.06.2016 This is a good article, but not for the portal of realists, who have power in truth. Here, as elsewhere, philosophical conjectures, and without evidence. I am very glad that the author of the article has found the state of love. Here the main emphasis is on the spiritual leaving (moreover, of a Christian persuasion) and the method "from the contrary" about psychological deviations. The main conclusion: love is a spiritual work. But it's more like self-sacrifice or compassion, but where the hell is love? George, age: 28 / 17.06.2016 Thank you very much for your conclusions and thoughts. They left a deep mark and response in my soul and I understood how to proceed further on my life path. I found answers to many questions that will help me live on. Once again: Thank you very much!! ! Natalia, age: 38 / 21.05.2016 Reading this and similar articles, an already fading desire to do something reappears, we can say that this is some kind of inexplicable "motivator", even though, in principle, I understood everything written in my subconscious, when reading everything again becomes into place, the light in the soul is lit again, and God grant us this time to keep it longer. "Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me!" Oleg, age: 18 / 14.04.2016 Thank you Dmitry, a lot is now obvious, a lot is clear, both mistakes and behavior), thank you and God bless you))))) Alexander, age: 30 / 18.02.2016 “Love does not limit freedom”... I reached this place and completely ran out of steam... Excuse me... Well, how does love not limit freedom, huh? That is, live, my love, where you want, with whom you want, do what you want, eat and drink what you want - and I'm already glad that you are somewhere ... This is more like a mental disorder, not for love. If you love a person - you want to be with him, it's obvious! And if they don’t love you in return, then they don’t want to live with you - this is also obvious! This is called loneliness - and this is bad, and not from some kind of childish dislike. Why dig so deep? A person lives here and now - if you are loved, you have money, an interesting job - then what does childish resentment have to do with it?))) yelling at your wife, the wife was offended and left you, etc., etc. - then again, childhood has nothing to do with it. Current, age: 36 / 26.08.2015 Thank you for this article, God himself showed it to me, because now I want to open this source of love in myself, the one that does not seek its own, and be happy! Natalia, age: 01/26/2015 I completely agree with this article, only after 10 years I began to understand how much I love my husband, and when he broke his spine and became a wheelchair user, we became even closer, I thank God every day that he remained alive and next to me, little who believes, but I am happy. Together we are 18 years old, he has been in a wheelchair for 3 years, I thought that over the years it would be more difficult, but oddly enough, on the contrary, it is easier. Angelica, age: 38 / 16.01.2015 Thank you Dmitry!!! There is hope!!! Ira, age: 34 / 11.01.2015 "But, alas, sex without communication, without friendship, is a little different from masturbation..." In my opinion, masturbation is much better... But, unfortunately, if a person could not start a family, he cannot remain a virgin forever.... Zhenya Zh, age: 32 / 05/28/2014 Everyone is looking for true love! Without her, the world is not nice. and the meaning of life without it is simply NO. Avatar, age: 25 / 05/08/2014 Dear Vladimir! Thank you very much for the article. I read it, trying it on myself, I realized that I was still very far from true love. Continue to write such articles, they really help young people to decide. God bless you in your work! Maria, age: 20 / 23.03.2014 Vladimir, God is love, this is the essence. True love is from God, the ability and desire to love are also, whereas how can one speak of love, rejecting the One Who gives it? Anna, age: 27 / 24.02.2014 Very good article! The connection between vices / passions and love is simply obvious, but unfortunately few people understand it. 7 vices from the point of view of Christianity very well describe the ways of deviating from a life of love and joy. Indeed, most say "I love", meaning "I am attached." The truth agrees with Konstantin, religion was dragged here in vain. It doesn't really matter which God controls it. Maybe there are green men, or maybe Love is God. The main thing is the essence. Vladimir, age: 01/31/2014 thanks for the article, in fact, I had everything written before and only after reading I realized that I had lost it, but I will definitely return it, thank you. alexey, age: 31/24.12.2013 Love comes like mother's milk. The more you feed, give, the more milk is produced. As soon as you stop feeding, it disappears altogether. Thanks to the site as a whole and, especially, to D. Semenik and A. Kolmanovsky. light, age: 38 / 30.08.2013 I read and read, like a good article, postulates the right things, and then bam - and it is impossible without the church. And I can't take the article any further. Konstantin, age: 04/24/2013 Andrey, age: 42 / 02/24/2013 God save you, Dmitry!! In fact, you set out the dogmatic basis of Love in a simple and intelligible language!!! because they are evil! It’s just that not everyone knows WHAT priorities should be adhered to STRONGLY, to the point of bloodshed ... In order to grow to real saving Love ... Your position is very close to me !! Once again, a huge gratitude to you from one exhausted soul ..)) ) Ilya, age: 52 / 01/20/2013 I'm afraid I won't find the right words to express my gratitude... Thank you! Thanks! Thank you a thousand times!!! And thank God for pushing me to find and read your article! I read and find answers to many of my questions ... This is how I understand love for myself. But for a long time I didn’t understand why she wasn’t in my life .. Now I know: I myself was not capable of such love, I didn’t know how to love .. And I don’t know how. And how much and how long I still need to work on myself so that God will give me the opportunity to feel this happiness ...... By the way, one gift of God (although what I say, of course, not one) I have already received: it was during reading I realized from your article that I forgave very important people in my life .. What I could not do for a long time WELL! And.. several holes in the vessel of my soul, with God help, managed to patch :) Elena, age: 22 / 07.11.2012 I got it. Forget about sex and start loving. Joke, of course. But such a conclusion can be drawn by running through the article. But after all, God just rewarded us with sexuality and sexual needs. So to reduce the Love of a woman and a man to respect and friendship, in my opinion, is not entirely correct. What happens to us when we fall in love? Roman, age: 30 / 07/26/2012 Very good article, read it. Here you write "Love is almost always mutual" it's good that you wrote "almost". I'm in that state of unrequited love right now. This is when you give everything to your loved one, and you really want to get some of his warmth. And how to love when love is not mutual? Just keep giving? Vladimir, age: 32/14.07.2012 That's right. I also think, and not that I doubt it, but I have not met people with such an understanding. Now I am happy because I have read your article and my confidence has increased a hundredfold. Thanks! How would it be now to meet a person who also understands this! Grana, age: 36 / 04/12/2012 thanks a lot Valery, age: 18 / 12.04.2012 (Morgan Scott Peck) Consequences of premarital sex Nancy Vanpelt) Love is not a feeling Morgan Scott Peck) True love ( Philosopher Ivan Ilyin)

"I love you!" - what are the necessary and expected words, especially when they are heard for the first time. Any woman, having heard them, instantly becomes happy and does not even think: is this not a lie ?! Or maybe it's just a rush of feelings? It seems like the deed is done - said - swept up: this man is already mine.

But what is true love? To put it briefly, these are selfless acts for the sake of a loved one, sometimes backed up by words. Does it happen for life? Of course, if a truly loved one does not trample this feeling into the dirt: self-interest, deceit and betrayal.

What are the deeds of true love?

you were watching english movie"Real love"? If not, then it would be worth it, because he makes it clear in what and in what actions one can recognize true love, and what sacrifices one sometimes has to make.

Ten storylines about true love, and here are some of the brightest ones:

The prime minister is in love with a secretary from a poor neighborhood. He seems to need to solve world problems, but here feelings are over the edge, especially for a simpleton. But in the end, the whole country will know that the prime minister also has a burning heart, despite his career.

Married Juliet and Peter have a friend Mark. Juliet always resented Mark for his irritable coldness towards her and thought he hated her. But in the end, she learned that his sullenness was a passionate love for her. Mark promised to love her all his life, but he remains alone at the same time.

The writer and his maid have a language barrier. But the craving for each other is very great and without further ado. A forced short-term breakup pushes the writer into a crash course in Portuguese, and a desire to propose to her. It is not surprising that during this time the maid herself mastered English language for him.

John and Judy are stand-ins for sex scenes, and very explicit ones. It would seem - what is easier, to have sex for real, because they almost did it. But they are seriously in love, and even timidly try to at least make friends. The first romantic kiss and an invitation to a date seem to be tenderly ridiculous.

Daniel, a widower, is having a hard time with his wife's departure to another world. But for her sake, he does not abandon his stepson and brings him up as his own. Any wishes of the boy are fulfilled almost every second. Daniel even helps his stepson win the love of his classmate.

Like this: simple life situations, but how much sense they have, proving that true love really exists. You can sacrifice your career, hide love behind shyness, do incredible things, put an end to your personal life, and all just for the sake of making your loved one happy. Even if he is already in heaven.

When signs of true love show

Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Almost, only this until love. You can read about it and its development in the article.

It doesn't take long to truly fall in love. Nature itself gives time even for a mother to love her child. Long 9 months of addiction "blindly" and postpartum depression are given by nature for a reason. And only in rare women does not work the same maternal instinct.

It is the same in love between a man and a woman - it must be “endured” in order to understand: this feeling is forever. Yes, you will have to sacrifice something, and step on the throat of your own ego, and get used to the habits and shortcomings of your beloved.

But these are not terrible sacrifices, sometimes they are even for the benefit of the lover himself. A person learns a lot, changes himself somewhere, becomes wiser. But for this “good” it is precisely mutual love that is needed so as not to break one’s heart.

There is, of course, no specific time when this true love matures. You yourself will understand this when you show signs of "ripening":

• your own "I" comes second;
• want to give more than take;
• your help to your beloved man becomes an "ambulance";
• it is difficult to part with him even for a day.

All right, you got it. If your lover has all these signs, then you can be congratulated - you are a happy couple.

Is true love always mutual?

Unfortunately no. If we go back to the movie "Love Actually", to the plot about Mark and Juliet, then we can understand that Mark's sacrifice, although voluntary, is painful. There are people who were not lucky enough to fall in love with a non-free person, and even with coldness on his part.

But they are somehow happy in their own way in their suffering. They just need to occasionally see their loved one, know that he is well, help him in difficult times, and even at the same time not reveal his feelings. They are selfless - and this is their love.

Such passion can last a lifetime. Well, then they are monogamous. It is more terrible when the beloved feel this passion and use it with might and main, as if they were right. best friend- selfishly and shamelessly.

But such impudent people usually return everything as a boomerang. A greedy hysterical woman takes every penny from her husband during a divorce loving husband, and in his old age he uses the services of a gigolo. He, in turn, takes everything from her. So she needs it!

But if you yourself suffer from unrequited feelings, then you should read the article. It's time to arrange your personal life.

What true mutual love does not tolerate

Almost every couple has minor quarrels from misunderstandings. In principle, this is normal: logic and thinking are different for people of different sexes. But quarrels are still a slight shake-up of emotions; they have nothing to do with love.

Another thing is when there are dirty “qualities” in a relationship that kill love:

Selfishness. All these arranged marriages beautiful words for the sake of sex, flirting for the sake of profit - this has nothing to do with deep feelings. Even if it seems to a person that somewhere in his soul there is something similar to love, this is a delusion.

Treason. A true lover will never allow even the thought of adultery. He does not compare his most important person in his life with other contenders for the bed. On the contrary, over time, he becomes “untouchable” - even harmless kissing hugs with other people become unpleasant to him.

Indifference. Everything happens in life: accidents, illnesses, lawsuits, poverty and other troubles. A true lover will never leave his loved one in trouble, even at the cost of his life, if he has to sacrifice this too.

Insults. This applies to the hassle, when the words fall below the plinth. All these "stinky goat", "stupid fool", "skew-armed freak" and so on. Not to say mother. But it is even worse when all this rubbish is taken out of the hut and crumbles among relatives and friends.

And love does not endure separation. Lovers do not need freedom from each other, they cannot “breathe” with communication or even just being next to the game of silence. The smell, the voice, the touch of a loved one - they need all this like air.

Does true love pass

With singles, never. Even if they create a new family, they will still think about the object of their adoration. Unfortunately, in this situation, everyone is unhappy - both the monogamous himself and his new chosen one. And if there are children in such a family, then perhaps they are not so desirable.

But in other cases, if a loved one nevertheless poisoned the feelings with his dirty qualities, love can pass. But is it for the best? Why endure next to you what is not originally yours?

It hurt, it relieved, and that's it! One can only sum up this novel in the words of S. Ya. Marshk:

Don't spoil the blood
Trying in vain
Bring back the past

S.Ya. Marshak, "The Tale of Stupidity"

And does it exist at all? There are legends about her, many, many books, songs and poems have been written ... Each of us, deep down in our souls, dreams of meeting our soul mate, and the whole earthly path turns into a search for that very main feeling on earth that will make us live happily ever after.

Does true love exist or do we all live only illusions, mistaking other feelings for it - love, affection, friendship. The answer is unequivocal - YES, there is. The gift of love is given to us from the first day of coming into this world, when we look at our parents. This is the first and most important feeling in our life - love for our loved ones. And when we become parents ourselves, we begin to understand and appreciate all this.

Another real love is a feeling for children. Incomparable to anything, like a gift from heaven, it makes us look at the world differently, realizing that we now live for someone, one or more fragile creatures, whose life is in our hands. And at that moment, when you hold a newly born child in your hands, you begin to believe in miracles, and tears of happiness well up in your eyes. And who dares to say that true love does not exist?

Love is in the human blood, in our every cell. We come into the world to share it with each other. Although, when they talk about whether real love exists, they usually mean what happens between a man and a woman.

What is true love like? Calm and balanced or passionate and stormy? Should the heart beat faster with a person, or just when he is around, is it enough that it becomes more comfortable and calmer? Probably, to the question of what true love is, no one will ever give an unambiguous answer. Everyone has their own idea of ​​it.

Often people confuse love and it happens because everyone wants to find their true soul mate, so they distribute grains of their souls to the wrong people. And it happens that it seems that here it is, my eternal love, but in fact everything lasts for several months, at most, a year. The most important thing is to distinguish the real feeling from fakes.

Does it exist? Let me answer that it doesn't. A person at first sight can please, sink into the soul, but it is impossible to fall in love with him, the real one. True love is real because you recognize your chosen one not only externally, but also internally, and only by being able to love him, coupled with shortcomings, it can be argued that this feeling is real.

Book heroes dictate to us their opinion about him. So, true love must be eternal, to the grave, with sacrifices, adventures, etc. And in life sometimes it happens that people cannot overcome a single obstacle. But this feeling is very fragile, and without effort from the outside it can break immediately. The ability to love is given to us from above, you just need to try to find a person who will appreciate and love you as much as you love him.

So, you fell in love. How to check if it's true love or not? There is an opinion that by kissing a person, you can immediately understand whether this is your half or not. But what if you can't do it right away? Try to get to know the person first, to understand their strengths and weaknesses. Only then decide whether this is your half or not.

Remember, in order to test love for strength, you need to go through several tests that fate will send you. If you can go through them together hand in hand, then you can safely continue this path through life, your love is real and nothing threatens it. Just try to keep the feelings for years to come. Or rather, not feelings, but romance. Love develops into friendship and affection, but essential role plays romance.

We hope that fate will very soon collide you with your other half. Love and be loved, happiness to you!

Most people now misunderstand the meaning of the word "love", they confuse it with falling in love, and these are different things. Being in love is more of a physiological state, while love is a state of mind. Falling in love is just a game of hormones.
What is true love? When a person begins to experience love, his previous behavior pattern changes, a person begins to feel what another person feels, takes over all the pains and joys of that person. Love is suicide, it is the murder of your former "I", your individuality. It's like connecting to nervous system another person. Love is pain, it is suffering, it is a feat. Love is the sacrifice of one's own development for the development of the other/others.

How to distinguish falling in love from love? Falling in love does not always turn into love, but it is often considered love. It came from sentimentality, from people who turned love into some kind of lisping, into red hearts and angels with arrows. Falling in love is actually just a physiological human need, caused by a hormonal surge. It is known that when he is in love, oxytocin is produced in his body, and because of this, he experiences a feeling of euphoria. Oxytocin is the hormone of friendliness towards another person. Even when two brutal men are drinking in the kitchen, and their conversation reaches the stage of "do you respect me", then at this moment oxytocin is produced, interacting with alcohol. Therefore, there are conversations about respect, friendship, various hugs, fraternization, and so on. In the same way, two tipsy guys and girls have sympathy more often than sober ones - because alcohol stimulates the production of oxytocin, which causes sympathy, similar to falling in love.

A person is drawn to another person, because more and more needs for dopamine and oxytocin arise. But then in many cases it passes. Love is an animal attraction to an individual of the opposite sex. Sexual attraction is also attributed to love when it is confused with falling in love, but you can not feel absolutely any attraction to a person and still love him, because love is not determined by the degree of attraction. Here are some women who say: "He doesn't love me anymore, he left for another." The fact is that he had not loved her before, but only experienced attraction.

I know from the experience of many girls who claimed that:

"Yes, I really love this man! We have true love with him, I know that for sure!"

But then some kind of force majeure happened in their relationship, and their former "true love" went somewhere, and disputes and abuse came in its place. Is this true love? The term "love" for so many years of perversion has turned into various kinds of lisping, pink hearts, angels, etc. The capitalist, bourgeois model of the social system has turned this term into a commodity, into something that can be sold or something that can be used to make a big profit. Those. It turns out that there was a substitution of the concepts of "love" and "falling in love". If love is something high, then love is and there is an ordinary human feeling. Exactly the same as feeling hungry, sleepy, feeling when a person wants to go to the toilet, etc. This is a simple primitive feeling, a simple primitive instinct, and mass culture is largely built on this primitive feeling of falling in love, incorrectly calling it love. Modern culture, or rather, pop culture, has degraded to such an extent that the mind is no longer enough for anything but to praise primitive, physiological human feelings and needs, because falling in love is just a need.

But judge for yourself, just imagine, this is just a normal physiological attraction, when one individual, having sniffed the pheromones of another individual, begins to experience sexual attraction. It is sexual, because falling in love one way or another implies sexual intercourse in the future. Those. it is continuously connected with it and is only a stage in the development of the sexual act between a man and a woman. Everything is as simple as two and two, and they made such a huge commercial product out of it, so much money has already been earned on it, so many careers have been made, films have been made and music has been recorded. If the author of some work wants to get easy money, he will definitely play on human feelings: he will write about falling in love, calling his works “love songs”, “movies about love”, “romance novels”.

Falling in love involves the secretion (excretion) of certain hormones. They say for example:

"If you really love me, then you will go even to the ends of the world!"

And people are coming. There is nothing wrong with following a person to the "end of the world", but the point is that people are walking, driven precisely by feeling. Because here you can really talk about a strong stage, but not love, but falling in love. Those. under the influence of a large production of hormones - natural drugs (endorphins, serotonin, dopamine), a person, intoxicated (literally) with them, goes to any madness for the sake of the object of his love. And when the object (partner) suddenly abandons such a person, then from the lack of the usual dose of drugs (from breaking), he is ready for drastic measures - up to suicide. This happens, as a rule, in the puberty (adolescent) period, when the hormonal surge is already very large, and there is also stimulation due to this dangerous feeling.

It follows that true love has nothing to do with the sexual attraction of one person to another, while love is not a feeling at all.
Here's another example. Imagine this situation: A child grows up in a family, the family also keeps a dog. They love to play with each other, run, etc. But once, for some reason, the child had to leave this place for 10 years. But, when he returned as a modified, more adult person, the dog, seeing him, immediately rushed to him. And the man experienced the same joyful feelings for her. This is love, what do you think? Not! And this is not love, this is also just an instinct! Once they were happy together, they played, laughed, they produced hormones of pleasure (endorphins), and their memory retained this hormonal surge. But now the story continues. Once, when they were also playing together, a child was approached bad people and tried to kill him with a knife, but the dog saw this - and rushed to help him, jumping, she shielded him with herself and soon died. Those. she sacrificed her life for hers. And this is really love!

Love is the ability to sacrifice the most precious thing you have for someone else. And the most precious thing is life. You can sincerely hate another person, but in a difficult situation you sacrifice yourself for him - this is love. And everything else is lisping and "pink snot." And no more. All these lisping is worthless, while love is strength, power, it is a manifestation of the will and determination of a person. This, if you like, is more like a character trait than a feeling.

There are still divisions between maternal love, friendly love, the love of a man and a woman. But in fact, there is no separation at all - it's all the same, because love has no material, physiological source, love has a different nature - it's a spiritual feeling, it's not even a feeling, but some kind of spiritual component, some kind of intangible a form that overwhelms a person. Love is a humanitarian term. Simply put, love is not what modern people used to think: "Oh, what I feel inside myself!" - this is not that - this is not love, but some kind of instincts, and instincts are material. Love is not the definition internal state man, but his actions, his manifestations of the external. Any attempt to present love only as a feeling, i.e. something that you feel is wrong.

To love means to wish a person the highest good, it is the ability to make the greatest sacrifices, the ability to give one's life for the sake of a person. A person ceases to live by his own interests, and switches to the interests of another person and shares everything with him.

"There is no greater love than if a man lays down his life for his friends" In. 15-13

About marriage

Love in marriage is not the satisfaction of lust and sexual desire - this is a purely humanitarian term, while lust is quite material and is explained by the production of certain hormones. Love in general is a purely humanitarian term that has nothing to do with attraction. In all nations at all times, marriages were concluded not at all out of love, but because the father of the groom and the father of the bride decided to unite their households, their families, their homes, capitals. They gave their children away according to this principle. And nothing after all, somehow they lived and gave birth to children, and families were strong.

Marriage- this is an official (i.e. recognized by the state or a religious denomination) union between a man and a woman for the sake of procreation and joint housekeeping.

A marriage will be strong when it stands on a strong foundation. And if the foundation of marriage is only the love of two people, their passion, lust and attraction to each other (and after all, attraction tends to pass, disappear!) - then the marriage is destroyed. This is evidenced by the sad statistics of divorces, about 60-70% .

The basis of a successful marriage, its foundation should be two points: a) children, b) economy. The second point is quite logical: you must admit that it is much easier to run a household together than one. And the first point is the most important point, because when you enter into a marriage, then its purpose is to give birth and raise children, i.e. in the production of new members of society. Therefore, you need to give yourself all to children, and the whole marriage should exist precisely for the sake of children. It has always been like this, at all times, in any nations, in any regions of our Planet.

But now the institution of marriage has been perverted and turned into something else. Marriage today is a union between two lovers, created solely on the basis of their feelings, needs, attraction, lust. This is something that is easily concluded and easily terminated, even more and more changes are being applied in the legislation to facilitate the procedure for concluding and dissolving a marriage. Wanted - married, wanted - divorced. Now even witnesses are not needed. Therefore, this "modern marriage" cannot even be called a marriage.

I'll tell you this: love is a sacrifice. If you donate, you love, the more you donate, the more you love. If you do not sacrifice anything, but only receive, you do not love. That is, “give, give, give” is not love, “na, na, na” is love. If you take, take and want to take more - this is passion. Insatiable passion. And if you give and are ready to give further, this is love. This is a very simple definition. Love is measured by sacrifice. You can donate money, time, health, nerves, psyche, finger, second finger, third finger, arm, arm to elbow, arm to shoulder, leg, one more leg, head, heart - this is love ... Sacrifice - love, not sacrificing is not love. This is how you check your family relationships. - Archpriest Andrey Tkachev

love in marriage- this is not at all love and attraction, love in marriage - it's a sacrifice. This is the ability to sacrifice oneself, one's personal space, time, a piece of one's individuality for the sake of children and a spouse. Therefore, I would even rename the term "Lovers" into "Lovers", i.e. those who are in love and give free rein to their desire, are engaged in "falling in love", but not love. By the way, "conjugal duty" is not in vain called duty, because the spouse is simply obliged to do "this", is obliged to perform this sacrament. Gruzdev called himself get in the body! He called himself a husband / wife - do your duty, bring offspring, create new members of society. Well, if they are lovers, then what is their duty? This is exactly what they want, this is not a duty, but a direct following of their instincts, needs. Whereas the fulfillment of duty is not always at will and is often even performed reluctantly. That's why it's duty, whatever you want, you don't want, but you must do it!

True love is like slavery

Yes exactly! And what, this phrase causes some indignation and discomfort, insult and discontent in you? Or maybe because it's about you? Indeed, as is customary among many, that a husband (or wife) for spouses is almost property and is needed in order to fulfill any of their requests and instructions. But real love, i.e. the one that is not in love is slavery, and slavery is mutual. And when slavery is mutual, i.e. both spouses are equally slaves to each other, then there is no one who will exploit. This is not the kind of slavery where there is a slave and a master - this is voluntary, mutual slavery. And that's the point. When one of the spouses ceases to be a slave himself and begins only to demand, then he becomes the master - and there is no more love.

Therefore, the essence of marriage for love is precisely in self-sacrifice, love is a sacrifice. Just as a slave in ancient Egypt sacrificed himself to his master, so does the person who loves sacrifice himself. The only difference is that this is slavery, sacrifice is voluntary, and therefore it is not slavery at all, in the classical sense of this concept.

However, many people are so hung up in their egoism that such a formulation may seem wild to them: "How is it: I will be a slave!?" Spouses perceive each other as private property, as slaves, but at the same time they themselves do not want to be such. Due to the different role behavior of husband and wife, their slavery manifests itself in different ways. The wife is meek, the husband is protective and supportive. That's why I say that love is akin to slavery, but not the same.

Think about what love means to you. If you wish, you can write down your thoughts and feelings about love. You can find several meanings of love in the dictionary. For example, love is:

• Strong positive emotion, attachment or pleasure. "He likes her affection for him."
• Love is an object of warm affection, devotion or sympathy: "Her first love was the theatre." "I love French food."
• To be loved: a loved one; as an expression of tenderness and affection.
• Deep feeling of sexual attraction; for example: "She was his first love" or "She loves her husband."
• Zero in tennis or squash: "The match is over with a score of 40-love (40:0)!"
• Sexual love: sexual interaction between two people. For example: "They make love." "He hasn't had sex in months."

The Greeks divided love into 4 categories. Consider which category suits you best.

1. Agape- love of neighbor. Such love is pure, selfless. For example: "God loves us with all our shortcomings."
2. Philia- virtuous, chaste love, driven by our likes or desires and needs.
3. Storge- family love, physical manifestation of affection, need for physical touch. In rare cases, love is between very close friends.
4. Eros- physical, sexual desire. Cognitive words erotica and eroticism.

Pay attention to those moments when you feel love for something or someone.

Think about your motives. What do you and your partner get out of the situation? If you want to achieve something, then in this case you confuse this desire with love.

Think about whether you will stop loving a person if his appearance changes. Maybe it's just a fascination with looks?

Translate your feelings into metaphors for poems or songs."Love is like..."

Define love from the point of view of psychology: divide love into 3 components.

1. Passion generates physical attraction, sexual behavior and arousal. This is the physical side.
2. Intimacy- this is the emotional aspect: closeness, affection, warmth.
3. Commitment- the part of love that is responsible for making decisions in relationships and love.

Ask yourself: it's forever? No matter how much time passes or what obstacles stand in the way of real and pure feelings, love will survive everything.

• Although it is better to see the positive side of love, it is worth remembering that sometimes love ends. Most likely, this happens because people who are not made for each other mistake a false feeling for love.
• Love can cause war. In the case of love of religion or love of money, war can make people steal and kill. It can lead to suicide, the breakdown of marriage and family life. She can spread disease and create evil.
• In addition, some philosophical teachings say that nothing lasts forever, not even love. There is a kind of paradox in this, since eternity cannot end. If a person lives for billions of years, the relationship will end due to the fact that human nature gives rise to anger, boredom and irritation.