Question to psychologists

I am 38 years old, unmarried. All novels ended in a candy-bouquet romance, there was never a continuation of the relationship. Very often I suggest love relationship married men, it's just some kind of obsession. First, I explain the refusal politely and culturally, but they do not understand this and have to express my refusal in a rude form. As a result, she became known as an evil shrew. What a dead end .... I want a family, children, already not a child's age. At work, productivity plummeted to the point of being fired. A real crisis. Advise how to be. Thank you

Hello Alya. To be honest, there is not enough information to really help. I will tell you what arises intuitively: you attract married men who offer you a frivolous relationship, because they do not see you as a woman with serious intentions. And the fact that you have to rudely refuse them proves that you are not taken seriously. A question for you to understand - do you take yourself seriously? And the men? Perhaps you feel like a little girl and are looking for a dad, not a partner in a man? What is family and children for you? Why do you need it? Is it just because "it's not a child's age anymore"? That's about what I advise you to think about, or even better to feel. It is clear that there are problems in the personal perception of men and more ... but about this, without personal contact, one can only fantasize.

Good luck to you. Best regards, Margarita.

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Hello Alya!

When real life results are at variance with the desired ones, there can be two reasons for this:

1. Ineffective behavior is used to achieve the desired goals (for various reasons)
2. Consciously desired goals diverge from true goals, which are not recognized, and this, in fact, blocks the achievement.

So to start overcoming your crisis, I would suggest to you precisely to figure out where you are wrong - with goals or with behavior. Both are "treated", in the sense that they can be corrected with the help of psychotherapy. It's a pity, of course, that you haven't been doing this correction for so many years and relayed your dissatisfaction with life, well, it's better late than never, especially since, in general, it's not too late, you definitely have half your life ahead of you, and for that To make this half more joyful and satisfying, I think it's worth doing a little work on yourself. I am ready to be useful in the course of psychotherapy. All the best, Elena.

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Hello Alya.

you have good wishes - to have a family, children ...

and the age, indeed, is not for children ...

my experience in the "Marriage and Family" consultation gives me the opportunity to tell you - such questions are not solved in short written answers ...

getting out of such dead ends is not a matter of one consultation.

if you decide on a serious job, find a psychologist you can trust.

miracles happen.

and from one letter you can find all the answers for yourself.

how much do you believe in miracles?

at 38 ...?

Yours G. Idrisov.

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Hello Alya! What you demonstrate to the outside world: to people, men, etc., is this how it should and should be? Or, is this your true desire and need? Having answered your question, it will become easier for you to move towards your true needs, although at the beginning you need to realize, accept, feel, and then look in the external environment ... Define your life values, study them. And when another man who you like begins to take care of you, you, while not falling in love yet, but at the same time, talk about your need, that you want to get married and have a family !!! And his choice is to accept or not. After all, some people simply have a fictitious marriage, or they simply do not. I am for the family - this is my value, if there is something to preserve, and if there is already nothing there ..?! Start paying attention to your feelings in the body, start trusting yourself, your feelings, and then you will begin to move in life in the right direction for yourself, with joy and pleasure from life! Good luck to you. Respectfully yours, Lyudmila, Ph.

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Alya, I would like to ask you: have you yourself ever fallen in love with a boy, boyfriend or man? I don't think you are feeling

Once again I met the ideal one. Fell in love. It turned out that he was married. Another. Let's figure it out: what's wrong?

Just having bad luck? Not.

The fact is that it is not married men who get to know you, but you yourself get to know them. You choose them consciously or unconsciously. And why is this happening -.

After all, there are a lot of worthy free men around, but you single out the “employed” from the general stream.

Most likely, a married man is a safe option for you, for some reason you are afraid to build them with others.

This means that there is a program in your head that your subconscious mind launches. Hidden benefits and motives that the conscious "I" does not even know about.
What kind? Well, for example:

• I don’t want to get married. Wives are abandoned, cheated on, their feet are wiped;
• Not worthy of a normal full-fledged relationship with a man for whom I am the only one;
• Not ready for a serious, long-term and stable relationship;
• Not ready to take responsibility;
• I'm afraid (of pain, deep connection with a partner, life together etc.);
• I like a relationship in which I am a victim;
• Single or divorced - unreliable;

What are you avoiding? How do you attract such heroes? And why do they end up in your field?

Or maybe it is in married women that you are attracted by something that is not in others. I agree, there is such a fact: they look very attractive against the background of the general mass. They seem to have taken place, serious ...

Why is a married person more attractive than a free one?

Because it gives the impression of already "tested" and claimed by someone.

If he approached one woman, it means, at least, that he is all right with potency, finances, responsibility, he is not mentally ill, not gay, and so on. Generally, . Maybe even reliable.

Some women find free men boring and uninteresting. A 35-40-year-old who has never been ringed arouses suspicion: something is clearly wrong with him.

But another part of her wants to avoid pain or too close relationships, responsibility (see ulterior motives above), childhood trauma, etc. - and this affects the subconscious choice of a partner.
What prevents you from meeting the worthy and free?

Fears and trauma

In the girl's childhood, there was no intimacy with her father, or he was not at all, or the relationship of the parents with each other was destructive (the subconscious mind decides: "marriage is bad!").

And having matured, choosing married ones, she protects herself from excessive intimacy with men, because she chooses those who cannot give it.

Because that's more familiar. She avoids them from sitting very deeply. And we attract what we are afraid of.

And I will prove it!

To prove to herself that she is the very best - that is the motive. If one of the men has not yet paid due attention to her, has not fallen at her feet, the call program starts: "He will be mine, no matter what."

Of course, at this moment it does not occur to him that he is possible.

Inability to understand people

A married man can be calculated at the first stages of acquaintance, even if he carefully hides it. There are plenty of ways to do this on the Internet.

If a girl does not delve into these details and sees only her imagination, she falls in love with the image, and not with real person- a big disappointment awaits her.

Stop being deceived!

A married man with a mistress is the same deceiver, like everyone else: he often manipulates, hangs noodles on his ears and powders his brains in every possible way. Few women deliberately initially choose for themselves the role of mistress.

What to do, you ask? Deal with your complexes and fears, increase self-esteem and pump your femininity.

Create around you a field of worthy free men who will see you as a woman. And choose the best.

With faith in you
Yaroslav Samoilov.

Let's leave the married and therefore not necessary to you men alone, let them live. Let's pay attention only to ourselves, beloved, understand ourselves and begin to change everything that we consider necessary. Each person creates his own personal space around himself, organizes it, makes changes, sets acceptable boundaries. We give in the world a certain message that will be read and an answer comes to us in the form of certain people, information, circumstances, events, we attract this. Our life depends on our thoughts, beliefs, desires, internal attitudes and even appearance. And we, women, live not by logic, but by sensing, our perception of the world is sensual, as in the main both its cognition and our behavior. We just need emotions, like air. And often because of this, we usually create a problem for ourselves (all the problems in a person's head), come up with it, believe it, feel it and then heroically overcome it, wasting our energy. You by yourself can attract just this type of men only by the fact that you constantly think how to avoid communicating with such people, because keep this in your head these thoughts "I do not want to be married" - it turns out vicious circle... married right there. That is, an image has already been formed in your brain, although it is negative, but you are apparently in Lately looped. Let's step back a little from him and make a new inner portrait that we need to strive for. We, as a rule, choose partners for ourselves subconsciously: not only do you attract such men, they also attract you with something (maybe they are reliable and know how to take responsibility, but you just need a strong shoulder). Imagine what kind of man you want to see next to you - self-sufficient, intellectually developed, charming, with a subtle sense of humor, slim and fit, respectful, understanding, generous ... then add yourself, but most importantly - free. Imagine him next to you (this is a kind of exercise), what are his reactions to your behavior, comments, actions. Believe me, over time, this will appear in your life, think about it and desire it, and stop even occasionally remembering about uninteresting ones. And you also need to take care of your emotional sphere. You are missing a positive start. Little joy from the phenomena of the surrounding world, pleasant surprise, a sense of delight from an event, adrenaline from a fulfilled dream, drive from a fulfilled desire, satisfaction from our physical, intellectual or professional capabilities, warmth and tenderness from relationships, humor and laughter, All this makes our life happier. fills it with meaning, allows you to feel harmony with the world, decorates in different colors... Think about what else in life can give you pleasure and start doing it. What have you dreamed of doing, but still did not get your hands on it? Devote to yourself as much time as you didn’t allow before: hobbies, rest, self-care procedures, meeting nice people, additional training in courses and trainings (to gain not only knowledge, but also new areas of communication, people). And choose a sport that takes your breath away, makes your heart rejoice with delight, from the feeling of the capabilities of your body. Never forget about the need to laugh to your heart's content and heartily - humor not only raises your spirits, but also helps to establish contact with people, defuse a tense situation, switch to the positive for yourself and others, and also recover from real diseases, laughter makes our life happier (proven by research scientists). Take action, become more active physically and socially, and positive emotions, new opportunities, people, impressions will appear in your life. Remember that you are very good, clever and beautiful. deserve to be loved and happy! Take your time, everything will come in due time. The most important thing is to listen to yourself, give yourself pleasure and get joy from life, live with it, do what you like - this is the prevention of most problems. Do something pleasing at least 2 times a day for 20 minutes (I advise you even Tibetan monks), but only with pleasure - even if it is just doing nothing, the main thing is that you enjoy this process. It is a stable feeling of joy that will allow you to perceive the world around you, yourself and people in a different way. Allow yourself to be happy, you deserve it. Everything will be fine. Contact the chat, at least one consultation will not hurt you to sort the accumulated emotions on the shelves. All the best to you. Don't forget to rate the answers.

Good day. I was interested in your answer "Let's leave the married and therefore unnecessary men alone, let them live. Let's pay attention only ..." to the question http: // www .. Can we discuss this answer with you?

Discuss with an expert

Sooner or later, every woman realizes that she needs a serious relationship and her own family. However, sometimes thinking about past novels, the representative of the beautiful half of humanity realizes that all her men were far from ideal, married, or they had constant partners. A woman, for some unknown reason, does not attract free men, she attracts exclusively married young people.

As a result, unsuccessful relationships in the past without a future and prospects for creating a family left behind extremely negative emotions, pain and resentment, the woman promises herself never to fall in love with unfree ones again, but the following partners turned out to be married again.

Some seriously begin to think that they have been corrupted or the evil eye, complain about the evil fate and turn to psychics, others generally despair and go headlong into work. However, a woman always independently attracts married people into her life. Naturally, this happens subconsciously and unconsciously, but the fact remains. You should consult a psychologist, sort out psychological problems and complexes in order to break the vicious circle of misfortunes and relationships with unfree men.

Why do some girls attract exclusively non-free representatives of the strong half of humanity into their lives and build relationships with them? You need to understand the reasons for this and understand how to avoid vicious relationships and find yourself a partner for life in marriage.
There are several categories of women that are considered the most attractive and desirable for young married people.

Comfortable girls

Married representatives of the stronger sex tend to choose a woman for convenience. They do not want the spouse to find out about their casual relationships with their mistresses, they carefully hide the relationship on the side. That is why married people pay attention to smart and careful girls who will not arrange a showdown with the wives of their chosen ones and will not chat in vain. If a woman is a smart person, capable of keeping her mouth shut, then married men will flock to her like bees for honey.

High requirements

Many girls strive to find for themselves the ideal partner for life, so that they are rich and beautiful, give flowers and carry them in their arms, carry them in a white convertible, and so on. They are not going to look for a good and positive guy who, due to his young age, has not yet managed to achieve a fat wallet, but is ready to love the chosen one and take care of her.

Therefore, it should be remembered that wealthy, successful and attractive individuals have already managed to start a family, and their life friend could appear even at school. Together they have gone through many difficulties and now no one is going to destroy the family because of the beautiful face and figure. You should reduce the requirements for candidates and evaluate yourself from the real side.

Unhappy past relationships

It is likely that in the past, the girl had unhappy relationships with young people, which ended very tragically. She ends up being afraid Serious relationships, considers all men the same and does not want to fall in love, looks for flaws in all. As a result, almost all single candidates for husbands remain on the sidelines. You need to carefully look around, there will definitely be a suitable prince to create a family.

Your boyfriend

It is imperative to evaluate how a woman communicates with the opposite sex in order to understand why she attracts married people. If she listens with pleasure to male troubles, stories about unhappy love, constantly jokes and is considered “her own” in a male company, then her demeanor needs to be changed. Married people adore such mistresses, they turn to them with problems, ask for advice, are interested in how to behave with legitimate soulmates, what to give them, and so on. You should not break the distance in relationships with such individuals.

Children's spontaneity

You should think about whether the girl takes herself seriously, why married people who do not need a serious relationship are drawn to her. It should be precisely determined whether she needs a daddy or an equal partner for life. It is necessary to understand why the girl is so eager to get married, but shows childish infantilism at the same time.

Too pretty

Beautiful, confident and charming ladies are always attracted to married men. After all, it is they who also feel self-confidence, look well-groomed, satisfied and well-fed, beloved by legitimate wives, therefore they are completely relieved of complexes and are happy to flirt with beauties. Well, free representatives of the strong half of humanity may simply be afraid that they will not be interested in such a sexy lady.

Most men are sure that such women are necessarily already married, so they do not even try to get to know or start building relationships with such a person. Women need to look closely at their surroundings and help the shy ones take the first step.

Did it really coincide?

Sometimes a girl notices that she always becomes a mistress, has never been the main choice of a man. You should think about the fact that she independently and unconsciously sends certain signals to the opposite sex, so only those men who already have a permanent relationship are drawn to her.

Why should married men seek outside relationships? Naturally, they need new impressions and emotions. They love their regular partners, are not going to part with them and do not think about divorce, but they want to add variety to their lives. Cave instincts drive men to hunt and become conquerors. However, most of them feel great together with their soul mates, feel satisfaction and are content with only one-time relationships with strangers.

If a representative of the stronger sex has a ring on his hand, then other women immediately understand that a man is something of himself if he has already managed to win someone. It is categorically impossible to flirt with such personalities, they are not going to leave their official wives.

Men who live in a civil marriage generally consider themselves free, because they do not have a ring and a stamp in their passport. They adhere to the philosophy that they are free, therefore they have the right to have connections on the side from time to time, but they are also not going to leave the cozy family nest, they are very good next to the civil friend of life.

Male despair

A woman instantly shows with all her appearance that she needs a permanent relationship and is looking for a man. She dresses beautifully, looks after herself carefully, smiles and flirts with pleasure. As a result, a married man who is looking for a love adventure for one night will immediately approach such a person. He perfectly understands that a girl does not mind getting to know each other and having a good time with the opposite sex, but then she becomes uncomfortable when a man quickly dresses after sex and hurries to retire to his legal wife.

It is also worth thinking about your own complexes. If a girl has low self-esteem, then it instantly catches the eye. Men immediately understand that such a lady can easily be dragged into bed for one night, and then even humiliated and exalted in their own eyes.

The main rule of a woman

All women should know the basic rule that a man cannot be changed! Naturally, he may like spending time with his mistress, he feels young and happy, realizes his own attractiveness. However, he will never leave his girlfriend or legal wife.

In the case when a man says that he wants to leave his spouse, but cannot do it yet, finds many excuses, he will not do it. The mistress in this case must leave and not waste time in vain.

Naturally, if a regular girl or spouse does not satisfy a man in bed too much, then he will begin to glance to the side. However, if he claims to his mistress that he does not sleep with his wife at all, then this does not mean the truth. You should not blindly trust the cheater, because his behavior speaks for itself.

Mistresses are usually looked for by a certain standard. It should be a gentle and always ready for sex girl, pretty and cheerful, with whom it is very easy to communicate, she helps to distract from problems. While the wife constantly consumes alcohol, does not take care of herself and the house, the man does not have sex with her. Everything is bad, he is so unhappy, even if she has five children in her arms. However, any girl should put herself in the place of her wife and leave the cheater as quickly as possible. Even if a man leaves his legal spouse and goes to his mistress, then after a while he can betray her in the same way.

Psychology of attraction of married people

It must always be remembered that like attracts like. The Universe always guarantees this, this statement cannot be changed. A person seeks to reliably hide all negative qualities and not show it to strangers, but they still remain noticeable to others. You should not deceive yourself, because everything in the Universe returns not even through the person himself, but through other people. If a woman is selfish and ruthlessly hurt the opposite sex, then soon it will return to her like a boomerang.

If a woman is a mercantile creature and thinks only about money, then soon a tight-fisted and greedy man will appear next to her, who will make her count every penny. If she is ready at any moment to sacrifice herself for the sake of others, then she will soon find her executioner, sadist and domestic tyrant.

Changes for the good

A woman must definitely change so that unmarried and ready for a serious relationship men reach for her. You should think about the style of behavior and manner of communication with the opposite sex in order to stop attracting married people.

If it is difficult to understand what is the reason for such an attraction, then you should ask the man what exactly attracted him, why he paid attention to the lady. It is possible that the truth will open your eyes to flaws and force you to change. Well, on the horizon soon there will finally be a bachelor who will be independent and wealthy, and most importantly, single!

I periodically receive letters of approximately the following content: “I met a man, fell in love right away, but it turned out that he was married. Why am I so unlucky? Why do I choose married men all the time? Maybe something is wrong with me? "

Let's talk about this topic.

One friend of mine constantly finds herself in this situation. She is longs to get married, attends various events where you can meet your soul mate. But every time the same thing happens to her. A single admirer turns out to be boring, and the one who is attractive to her is certainly married. And every time after such meetings, she tells how she almost fell in love with a gorgeous man who gallantly invited her to dinner, gave her flowers, was cheerful, witty, smart and so on. Well, a real "colonel"! But with all this, he is married.

Another friend purposefully chooses a "busy" object and does everything possible to take possession of it. She does it easily, because she is a very charming lady with rare virtues that almost any bachelor would be happy to encroach on. But she is only interested in difficult victories, the easy path is not for her.

How is the personal life of such women? As a rule, these are rare meetings, after which first sweet, then bitter feelings about the inability to be together, lonely weekends and holidays. These are ups, downs, tears, despair and many "why?" Questions.

Perhaps I am wrong, and there are women who are happy and content with rare meetings and the way their life is going. But they don't come to me for consultations, so I don't know anything about them. Accordingly, today we are talking about those who write letters with questions.

So the question "Why do I choose married?".

There can be a lot of reasons here, and each case is individual.

Competitive spirit

Having reached a certain age, and without getting married, a woman begins compare yourself with other more successful girlfriends and evaluate yourself, to put it mildly, not very high. And then a man appears who raises her self-esteem, paying attention to her, paying her compliments, and simply treating her as a Woman. And then she unconsciously turns on the spirit of competition.

She used to compare herself with other women. not in your favor, and suddenly she is given a chance to rehabilitate herself in her own eyes. She thinks like this: "Since he drew attention to me, then I am better than his wife!"

This perception of the situation gives her energy, a surge of strength, makes her feel special, significant, sexy, super woman!

But periods of uplift are followed by stages of doubt, anxiety, uncertainty. The man does not call, disappears somewhere without explanation, does not behave at all in the way that, according to her, the beloved should behave. Because of this, and suffering, tears and complaints of unhappy love.

Then this period also passes, they meet again, the woman blooms again. And so on in a circle.

What's next? And further in her soul negative emotions accumulate that result in claims and scandals. Some women begin to grow a sense of revenge as a defensive reaction. They rejoice when a man has scandals in his family, when he manages to annoy his wife with something, who in fact bears no guilt in front of her. But for our heroine, this is not important, because she thinks like this: “I am better than you! It is your fault that you dare to think differently. And I will prove to you that it is not so! ". Of course, it may not be such specific formulations in her head, but her unconscious thinks that way.

Where does this competitive spirit come from? Everything is very simple - due to low self-esteem and self-dislike... A woman does not love and appreciate herself, allowing herself to be in a situation that brings her negative emotions.

Imagine a woman who loves and values ​​herself. Just imagine how she looks and how she behaves. Agree, the first thing that catches your eye is her Inner Light that cannot be hidden. She is calm, kind and cheerful, vibrations emanate from her love and warmth.

We are all made up of vibrations. Even if you don't say anything, you still phonize with what is inside you. All women who met married men were distinguished by one thing - they phoned with suffering, uncertainty, dissatisfaction. It was read from their eyes, postures, gestures, facial expressions, etc.

This begs the question: "Why, then, do married men meet with women who a priori do not love themselves?"

Remember the saying "A fisherman sees a fisherman from afar." Typically, both engage in a game called the manipulative triangle. The game is very addicting and brutal. She has a lot of passion and a lot of suffering. A woman who does not love herself allows herself to be used, succumbing to the manipulations of a married man. And he is ALWAYS a manipulator if you play this game with him.

A woman who loves herself does not allow himself to be manipulated... This means that it does not fall into such a triangle.

One very wise woman who loves herself said: “If he is married and does not want to part with his wife, for me personally this means only one thing - he loves her, not me. And no matter how offended I am, it follows from this that I will not give my love to him, but to someone who can accept and appreciate it! And I wish this man happiness! "

Fear of intimacy

Some women clearly have a trauma in their first year of life associated with their mother. I will not load you with scientific terms and proofs of my point of view, I will only say one thing - relationship with mom greatly influenced relationships with men.

And now, in adulthood, a woman is reinsured against excessive closeness with men, choosing married. On the one hand, she can tell everyone that she really wants to get married and will carefully look around for this. But her unconscious will certainly choose a married man, since this is her protection from serious relationships, which she really is avoids because it sits very deeply on the unconscious fear of loneliness... And what we are afraid of, we attract, as you know.

Answering a call

A successful married man stands out from the crowd because of his vibrations. high level – calmness, confidence, satisfaction... He is not hungry for sex, every day he sees a woman next to him and knows what is hidden behind the features. female character... Therefore, he reacts to women without clearly expressed interest and even with a certain degree of indifference. A woman with big claims that she is “the best” (smart, beautiful, etc.) cannot pass such a challenge.

They reason like this: “How is it that he has not yet fallen in love with me? I'm a star! Well, now we'll see who gets who! "

Ladies, for whom such a challenge is relevant, do not particularly strive for marriage, preferring a relationship without obligations. But at the same time, they can ardently prove to all relatives and friends that they are looking for and dream of marriage, although each time they choose married, refusing single ones. In fact, they strongly fear claims and encroachments on their freedom. They should admit to themselves that they do not need a family, and then this will resolve their internal conflict.

Inability to understand men

Other women believe that if someone has chosen a man, it means that he is already good to be considered a worthy gentleman. She sees that he is not a sloven, but on the contrary, a serious man who has taken responsibility for the family, and he can be absolutely considered reliable. And he looks very well-groomed - he always has an ironed and clean shirt, which is watched over by his lawful wife. And he is so gallant and understanding, as if he sees right through you. He is also witty, and generally very an interesting man with deep inner content. He also has three or five children, which makes his image completely out of the realm of fantasy. : “Women give birth to him, so he is oh-ho! From just anyone, a woman will not give birth. Moreover, the second and third child. " This is how our heroine thinks.

And he is also sad, his wife does not understand him, he is lonely and is looking for the only one who would save him. And before that, he had already had two unsuccessful marriages, in which he suffered and suffered, because both of his wives were terrible egoists who thought only of themselves.

In this situation, all bachelors appear windy, frivolous and useless, since they have not yet married.

A woman hangs up her ears and becomes a vest for such a man, thinking that it is she who will save him, and it is with her that he will definitely be happy. This awareness greatly raises her self-esteem, she feels necessary and begins to work with all his might.

What happens next, add it yourself.

Passion muzzle

There are ladies who are attracted to this relationship. adrenalin which they get from secret meetings... Entering into such a relationship, they acquire mystery, intrigue that they can't trust to anyone. And if you trust, it becomes the most the best topic for discussion. Meetings in safe houses, destruction of evidence - everything is like best detectives... And at first it is very exciting and kindles passion. But time passes, and this begins to weigh on the woman, because everything becomes boring, and then relations do not develop.

The question is, why isn't it happening? Yes, because a man needs exactly these sensations. secrets, intrigues, passions, games. If the relationship is legalized, then it will no longer be a secret, and the man does not intend to play such a game, it is not interesting for him.

Summary

I would like to write the following summary. How to live and what to do, everyone decides for herself. Only you know What for you better life and what is happiness for you.

Self-loathing is surmountable! This can and should be learned. Don't expect to be loved, learn to love yourself.

Walk through life easily and love yourself, and you will definitely meet a worthy free man whom you will love and create a family with. Observe the laws of the Universe, remember the popular wisdom - “you can't build happiness on someone else's misfortune”!

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